the stripper next door was on the steps across the street with the old-timers. she had that thousand yard stare going, on and there was a cop car in front of her building. i immediately put down the two postal boxes i was carrying, the big white ones that say WARNING maximum penalty for theft or misuse of postal property $1,000 fine and three years imprisonment(18 USC 1707) ...yeah im an outlaw baby. thats why the chicks dig me. you see me, my distressed vacant eyed lovely? im a rebel, mommy , a bad boy, an outlaw.

so i decided to drink my coffee on the steps this morning because it was a nice cool one for a change and there was this smokin hot chick unloading her car. a tattoo across her lower back, tight belly shirt and massive cleavage. it is my duty to secretly leer at her. i never shirk my booty duty. she was also sporting a low riding pair of nurses pants and golly was i ever enamored with her well executed, casual hottitude. she was unloading luggage from the trunk, returning, no doubt, from a hottie convention where the seminars were on topics like "falling in love with guys your dads age who live across the street" and "romancing unemployed fat drunks; a guide to happy hour buffets that wont break your budget and will keep your man lubricated, full and too sleepy to do you"
as she approached her steps, black suitcase rolling behind her she made a face at the debris left behind the trash men. "please be a neat freak, please be a neat freak" i chanted as her distaste made her pretty face contort. alas, it was not to be, so i returned to the styrofoam cuppa joe and the sports pages.
the stripper was talking to the usual assortment of retired folks who hang out on the steps until it gets too hot, and are the reason i decided to rent my tiny shiite hole. like an unoffical neighborhood watch. they've been here forever. they were on old annies steps which was ironic because old annie is the only one on the street with larger jugs than the stripper gal. back in the day, oh man, annie musta been hell on wheels, 23 skidoo, charlestoning the bejeezus outta some lucky fellas.
don came over and gave me the scoop as i was finishing the comics. he broke everything in the place. don had apparently seen her work and enjoyed her masterful lapdances. hes on his way to the doctor again ,and is a walking skeleton, but a well armed one. he's lived here forever and is a great source of news and knows he should stop smoking but that aint gonna happen and for the time being he is too ornery to die, but he gets dizzy and sometimes forgets to eat. he puts out all the trash for the building and takes the barrels in and keeps the olde girls laughing across the street and is the very definition of old school south philly. a tough old bird that doesnt take any shit, and he will cut you.
so one cop is on the steps and shes instructing him which keys work and he heads into the apartment and comes out a minute later with a large shiny handbag. it matches his badge perfectly, but he gives the bag to her for some reason. she retreats back across the street and the engineer of this retreat comes out a few minutes later accompanied by cop number two.
wearing a wife beater, cigarette making his devlish eyes squint, he winks to me. as the cop walks him to his car hes telling the cop you know how it is. the cop agrees that he does indeed know, but still insists on seeing him off, and somehow hes laughing with the cop, the cop trying not to bond, but doing so. hes a charming rogue. politely he says goodbye to his girl, coolly intoning "seeya babe" , before getting in and driving off, after depositing small plastic bag of clothes in the trunk.
when your wardrobe consists solely of wife beater tees, its easy and quick to pack for a week.
reed street romance.
the street is populated by loud and lovely ladies, their lovable lads and leering lonely losers.
this time at least the cops didn't put one of them in the back of the car. i don't even look out the window when i hear yelling anymore. it takes a siren.
the last time i looked down at a commotion, i saw a nature special taking place. i can hear the deep baritone of the narrator...
"in the harsh environment of the concrete jungle, the traditional mammillian family unit is often a victim to outside forces, be they chemical, automotive, psychological or otherwise violent in nature, a family unit must do what it has to do to survive, and teach these skills to the young before they fall victim as well. here we see a typical unit, alpha male, his offspring and surrogate alpha though past breeding age beta female. the beta has found a source of intoxicants. as frequently happens she is loudly relating her dissatisfaction with her erstwhile mate, his offspring and her vexation at running out of fermented malt beverages. this is a common mating ritual between the two but the addition of the offspring made for a grand impromptu family values lesson. watch as the beta accuses the alphas female progeny of interracial courtship. note the colorful language as she bids for more status in the troop. the alpha postures and chides the beta for talking about his offspring, warning, "she'll EFF you up." the beta, inconsolable due the dearth of beverage, continues. watch the alpha. "oh yer still talking about my kid? go ahead jen EFF her up" note the eldest son kicking at her head when shes down and when pop has seen enough he says so, and the troop relents. as she rises from the ground, shirt torn, mammary exposed, she has clearly sensed weakness in her lover's compassion and she renews her verbal attacks. this time the young son steps up uses the magical EFF bomb on the beta. again she is warned. again she continues. again the alpha unleashes his female progeny upon his mate. this time the mutual hairpulling fest is punctuated by the banging of the betas head against things. first the railing, then the sidewalk.
the older sibling again tries to help, but father prevents this. there is a strong message here for the younger male and he is learning well at his sires side."
"as this series progresses we will learn the ins and outs of the complex social interaction of these hairless urban apes on street level and in actual undercover investigations as this observer poses as one of them, and enriches all of our understanding of one another, in the next action packed episode of Hairless Urban Apes in Love."