handcuffs have an annoying habit of clicking and becoming tighter when you or her toss and turn in your sleep on a bean bag and the floor in some nice fellows montana home on a rugby tour.
i think it was the first pac tour there. jake hooked us up but good. rugby in paradise.
this wasnt the tour when we laxed the cats, the side from canada, by mixing exlax in pitchers of beer which we graciously porued for them and chugged our own non laxxed beers...
at a scrum down i asked my opposing prop if there was something in the water up here or what? and he agreed that many of his teammates were still shitting themselves as i chuckled and took another tighthead off him....that would be two years later...
this was my first real tour so i made sure to pack the handcuffs, just in case....
the tour started off when we drank the plane dry and were almost grounded in utah because someone was having too much fun with some wheel chairs...i believe it was the mayor of missoula on the flight with us who told them we we all ok or the tour would have stopped there....
they served us no alcohol on the flight to missoula and as we deplaned grabbed our kit bags and were introduced to the maggot bus a deluxe school bus with couches in the back area known as the pit

no shit from the pit
ruckking cans
we travelled in style peeing in the funnel in the front door lavatory no stopping
simple casual elegance, great tunes

that night i believe i was wearing the life vest from under my seatmates seat
not as comfortable as you would imagine
this was the tour where my host happened to have a refirgerator full of mushrooms, freshly picked for the festival
the maggot fest
hosted by the missoula all-maggots www.maggots.org

the granddaddy of all rugby tourneys anywhere in the universe
mecca
one should make a trip to the maggot fest once in ones rugby career it is truly lifechanging
so my graciouis host says help myself and i did
i retired to a room with a waterbed and i was watching the ceiling wiggle when my host again appears asking if i am going to town, and if so hes out, here are my car keys and theres a line on the dresser to help you drive
I LOVE THIS PLACE
im not advocating polydrug abuse in anyway
but if you ever have a chance to do a handfull of fresh shrooms and just when you start seeing the colors all pretty and vibrant if you should happen to do a rail that is an easy half gram
get into a car and drive
its beautiful a cocoon of happiness
nothing wrong with the world
some dead on the tape deck and you are truly space trucking with cosmic charley and the bebop orchestra
but then montana gets better
we played the maggots as a tune up for the festival and stepped on and rucked each other savagely then drank each other under the tables and all was good
there was some rafting and some buffalo and plenty more rugby great rugby where the air is still clean
then theres the womens teams all in town to party hardy
university of washington in particular is that the studmuffins? or did i imagine that was their name
they were all cute and flirty and fun to sleep next to in a drunken mess
but as fine as they are i would advise you to remember that they are rugby players and they will hurt you in your sleep if you fuck with them
so anyways i think i missed the huge mega keg party because i was handcuffed to a local lovely in my hosts home, smoking some weed...
i handcuffed her in town because she had tremendous brestesess and a warm smile that didnt leave her face when the handcuffs clicked on her and i invited her back to the house
so an hour or two into the party, me a handcuffed cary grantish brute, suave debonair witty and smelling like a man because of course there are NO SHOWERS ON TOUR
she liked manliness but nature was calling...she had to go
i made a show of looking for the handcuff keys
she said it wasnt funny but of course it was
and she couldnt hold out much longer and dam where did i leave my keys?
how am i gonna get into my house back in DC?
natures call had to be heeded so i suggested that i could stand in the bathtub behind the shower curtain becasue i am such a sweet decent caring person who respects a wonmans right to privacy and need for decorum
util she wipes and flushes that is
the shower curtain slides away and we are kissing
shes on the sink and you cannot take a shirt completely off in handcuffs but its alot of fun trying to and did i mention she was magnificently well endowed in the mammary department and its getting really interesting and we hear the first click of the handcuffs tightening but do not care at this point
were on the floor and the rug is bunched behind her head and her knee keeps hitting the cabinet door with each copulative thrust and many someones are knocking on the bathroom door and laughing their asses off asking if we are alrgiht and the dam cabinet door banging sounds like we are doing remodeling in there
we sort ourselves out and at this point i really look for the key and it isnt anywhere
and the evening winds down and we're sleeping on the floor and beanbag and the cuffs click and tighten three or four more times which is really getting painful
morning comes and we call the police and the chief comes and says these arent real handcuffs do you have a screwdriver and he gets them off of us in two minutes and we say goodbye and that is not the best story of carnal lust on that tour
that storyy would be the one involving another prop on my team, the middle of a road and a full colostomy bag
i forget if she had a glass eye or one leg but that gemtleman is a personal hero of mine
he describes the colostomy bags sloshing in rhytym and we wind up being the most honored side that weekend becaause at the maggotfest everyone is a winner they serve buffalo steaks at the party they have hundreds of kegs of beer and its friggin MECCA up there and life was grand