when they're not raping exotic dancers the fine people at duke university are studying poison ivy
they say the extra carbon dioxide in the air makes the plant grow more vigorously
and oilier

i have tangled with the noxious weed many a time
the farm is loaded with the shit
its a perennial
i piss on the leaves to show it who is boss
they shrivel from the salt
i repeat applications and feel the power of being on a death trip
heady stuff
and once again man dominates his world
temporarily

my old way to battle the inevitable summer plague was
scratching my skin raw and then putting bleach on top
may not have made it heal any faster
but it sure stops itching for a while

i have evolved to the point now where i will not give into the maddening itch
on principle
im on top of the food chain
not some plant
i wont have a plant making decisions about how i spend my evenings
when it gets too bad i take an all hot shower
burn the blisters
but ive been lucky lately

on my graduation party i took a blanket down by the creek with my girlfriend faith
it was just me, faith, my drunk ass brother
joe hayes is a dead racist wrestler i used to hang out with in highschool
he had a dog named after an epithet that will get you fired from your teaching job
he killed himself when he couldnt handle being gay anymore

bombed to the gills
as you would expect from 5 kids on a quarter keg
i walked faith creekside
to make my moves
it was hell putting a rubber on in the dark but i manged to after breaking one

i dont know why i bothered
i never got the hang of popping faiths cherry
we tried
awkward teen love
she mentioned something to me about the size
i guess i have a fat one
ive since learned to use it
and there was a time in my bartending days when my nickname was "girthman"
but thats a different story

after rolling around and poking and poking and more poking from various angles humiliation finally got the upper hand
at least i could pretend i got laid when she left
why wouldnt i have
it was plausible

so i rolled to work the next afternoon. a little green in the gills
i stopped once to puke out the car door on the way
and i was washing away at the restaurant when i started feeling itchy
down there

i spent the next three days in a bathrobe after showing doctor cappa the worst case of poison ivy he had ever seen
from my belly down i was a mass of angry red blisters
some looked like tapioca pearls
nasty translucent ropes
boiling skin
these stripes of fun were where i was skin to leaf
some would pop and ooze foul warmth on me

nothing like poison ivy in the middle of june
the sweat trickles down
you dont know if its a poison ivy tingle or sweat
and the sweat can spread the oil around
aint that grand

many people learn from their mistakes
not me
ten years later i repeated the trick at a sacred cowboys concert
i missed a rugby game from that case
im pretty much done with fucking in the bushes these days

that oil is nasty shit
it can stay on your clothes and give you blisters days after your seemingly clean getaway
you can get poison ivy from your dog

when i was about nine i got some and decided to miss school the next day
id scratch
then rest my hands on my face
sure enough, the next day i was all puffy
i got over
yeah
pure genius

this wiccan witch i know never gets it
she talks to trees and shit
she says the secret is to eat the first tiny leaf you see in the spring
maybe next year

so be a pussy and let a plant make decisons about how you live your life
or develop your mind to the point where the itching doesnt happen
be a man
but respect this terrorist of the plant kingdom
osama aint got nothing on ivy