cooked some tasty tasty greens the other day
left the juice in the crock pot
seemed a waste to dump the dark green stuff
a waste of vitamins
i come back after a few days in the country
and my mouse problem is solved
two bloated floaters in among the onions and stems
two tiny drowned critters
at least they died in nutritious waters
and not at my hands
you cant pin their deaths on my mr mouse district attorney
i have a track record of live capture and release of previous mouse room mates
these tiny roomies are easy to catch if you have a few hours some night
all you need is the patience of a statue
and one of those quart containets from chinese soup
they are noisy critters
then its just a matter of stalking them
removing the bags one at a time
sitting on the floor
spread eagled to prevent escape
but they are fast
and now one is on your bare leg
and it tickles until you swat it off and catch it in the container
slip a file folder underneath
and take him for a walk outside
release him in the wild
go catch his brother
id reccommend bare legs because when i wore proper pants on made his way up my pantleg
thats what they do
they like tight dark places
then the mouse is at your knee
then you better start dancing
because he smeels the cheese now
the from unda cheese
fromunda my balls
and hes a hungry mouse
and now hes at mid thigh
better shimmy
better shake
to catch a mouse you have to be smarter than a cat
cats arent rocket scientists
except for the one on itchy and scratchy
hes pretty smart
so if you know a mouse is on your counter
and he doesnt see you cuz hes under some sort of debris
(i know thered be less mice if i had less debris
but why you gotta hate on me?)
so take your spaghettis box
line it up along the wall
mice love to run along the wall
now remove the debris from the non box side
soon the mouse knows hes not alone and he must run
he wont run towards the noise
he runs too safety
the spaghetti box is dark
they run right in
throw these mice out of the window
mice can fly
they are so light they catch air
and never reach terminal velocity
mice never splat
they glide
try it sometime
they might hit a little harder that the PETA people like
but they live thru it

_-----------EXCERPTED FROM THE UPCOMING HOW TO BOOK---------------

jp knoph publisher
2006
"Karmic Housekeeping for the Deranged Hobo"

When i First picked up the latest how-to book from the good people at Knoph I was a bit put off by the title. What possible use could I, a world renowned Book critic, have for tips from a hobo? I mean, I don't live in a railroad car, criss crossing the country, sleeping under the stars when it's nice, or under bridges when its not.
But a gig is a gig, so I read on. The genius of the book is that it speaks to everyones innner deranged yet karmically sensitive hobo. Everyone has one. If you remember your Freud, from his last and most controversial book when the cocaine addiction was ravaging and savaging his cortex, theres the ID, The Ego, The super ego
and the deranged inner karmic hoo or, DINKH for short.
The DINKH, Freud posited, is your primal self, even ..."IDDIER than the ID" in Frueds words. The DINKH controls what the ID does and does not do. It goes primal and then thinks for the previously percieved unthinking center of action and pleasure in the brain. It is thought that this area of the brain developed when neanderthals interbred with cromagnon in a pathetic chance to survive evolutionary trends. You see, the neanderthals were the worlds first hippies. Communing with nature and living all groovy with their sabre tooth tiger pets in caves, kinda like the flintstones, with no dinosaurs. Then along come the cromagnons with their technology and thweir money and all of a sudden these adorable hippies with their unibrows are being emminent domained out of their caves and the whole world starts its process of gentrification. The hippies were doomed, so they ran across teh icecap/land bridge to america and turned into iroqoius and aztecs and hiod out in the new world all living with nature and free loving it until the white man invented boats and suphillis and guns and smallpox and genocided them off the continent with their god telling them it was all hunky dory as long as the church got some.
And that briefly is the DINKH, as Freud saw it. The unconcious mind of the un concious mind. The inner hippy. though when freud was around the hippies hadn't tapped into their hippiness and werent hfully realized so he called them DINKHS.
So basically, this book should be called housekeeping for hippies, but that would never sell to the academic world or the wide audience of the deranged in this country. I'm all for money, so I'm not gonna hate on the author for this. It was probably the publishers idea, anyway.
Other than how to deal with mice, other chapters deal with doing your laundry in the shower, sticking it to the man(cro magnon that it) at every opportunity and a great deal of tender loving hippy sexual secrets, the theory being that fucking is free and you dont have to pay taxes on it so it is the last true expression of humanity left to you in the world. You have to buy clean water if you want to drink clean water and there are even places where you can buy air or filters for the toxic air that if you dont have them you get emphezema. So the only thing you can do is to fuck fuck fuck.
I was impressed with the book when i read it all the way thru. I overcame my initial disgust at the idea of living without money as much as possible and working as little as possible and as a reult this will be my last book review. I will no longer sell out to the man. I will no longer be a tool of the oppresive economic regime. I will live off the land like my neanderthal bretheren. Do not read this book if you are satisfied with your life. It will change your life with its informative viral logic. It will actually change the way you think, infecting your logic centers, making you want to smoke dope and get fucked. Making you question your pathetic workaday tool like existence. It will make you want to live like a true human being. SO don't read it unless you are ready to live differently for the rest of your life. It is quite possibly the best book and most important book ever written, and i would know, im the foremost...wait i was the foremost book citic uin the history of the world and now i dont even capitalize any more
losing control of my punctuation skillz now
too
regressing to thought bites
little phrases only
thats the power
feel the power of the hippy side of the force
dont sell out like ben and jerry did
just BE man
just Be
just b
and fuckalot