depending on the time of day and my mood the flashes i catch of my torso fill me with self loathing or impress me with my manly bulk

the power is there, unmistakeably

but so is the flab

i think the flab is carrying the day, but....

its a powerful fat body

not a soft fat body

the is a prick that lives inside of me that wont let me get too sloppy

that is not above starving or exercise while at the same time being disgusted at the narcissism of exercise as practiced in the world today

the echos of infomercials selling fat pills, gyms, miracle herbs and food plans

sandwiched between meat and pizza and beer ads

designed to trigger the voracious binger

the locust

the crop ruiner



there are health reasons to lose the gut

but again

do i want to live forever

more of the same?

yeah 30 more years of this bliss, o boy!

maybe more!

wheee



the gut has a purpose

the gut keeps hordes of women away

keeps them from polluting my thoughts with their own neurossi,

repeated and becoming almost tangible as the relationship progesses



maybe i catch a break in september when i play my next big buy in game

maybe i break through and stop the penny worries

maybe i embrace the moment and allow the cards to find me at the right time and take advantage of a situation and give myself the opportunity to really go crazy in the nova scotia beach house all winter long

one nice score and hello long monklie winter of self reflection

one nice score and i have space and opportunity to really tweak the finer thoughts i occasionally think

when my mind is away from the day to day bullshit that accompanies a dwindling funding stream

i will PROBABLYquit drinking just to keep from having to find a job

if i quit drinking i buy myself another month of rent and i cool thru september and by then the tennis hustle will happen again and the banquet season starts anew

and shit

why am i stressing?

ive got life by the balls

living the dream

my own boss

its just that my boss is a drunk and if thats the case then u can never predict what the future will bring

im the dude who can live on less money than any other person

im frugaller than scrooge

if the lesson of life it that you sell your hours for dimes

i aint selling

id rather live on my own terms

working for who i want when i want

not contributing to some fascists capitalist wet dream

BUM LIFE

yeah

i forgot who i was for a second

i dont panic

i do me

i have my eye on the big picture

ill figure this last little piece out

ive got a team of neurons on the job now

some of my finest neurons are working 24 a day 7 a week tangentially on this

the solution is nigh