I used to find myself madly scribbling, cackling “hee-hee” and generally just cracking myself up with the illusion/delusion that someday, somehow, I would transcribe said scribble into a tome of dazzling brilliance. One recurring subplot was that I would find a chick to play the role of editor, confidante, muse and the music would swell and my life would become like so many others that I’d paid up to 9.50 to see on screen.
She would see my phenomenal potential and convince me that I WAS worthy. That even though I was caught at the bottom of a deep trough of self abuse and despair the world had beauty in it and she would serve as my beacon. More importantly her love would be so pure that somehow I would overlook the fact that she was going gaga over a loser. My esteem issues would not force me to dump her for having such low expectations in a man. In her eyes my staggering potential was such a turn on for her that she could overlook all 270 sloppy manbreasted pounds, the alcoholism and gambling addiction. The trifecta of my life would appear in her compassionate view as injuries my soul has sufffered in its battle against an insensitve, uncaring world. That, in fact, I was only guilty of caring too much, that it was only natural to become extremely self-destructive when faced with the evidence that all the angels have been slaughtered by the forces of darkness, the only real beauty is in pain, and that I was the most beautiful person on the planet.
Such is the nature of this fantasy that I can brood and stew and emote and get spectacularly drunk and rail at the cruelty of the universe and she will find me. I will be stunned that someone as lovely as her is speaking to a toad like me and then she kisses me. I will thank her by transforming into a prince and now all the fairy tales make sense. We carefully craft idiotic nicknames for each other that make us smile to ourselves when we are away from each other and look forward to being in each others arms again and damn soon too. Oh yeah, her precious love will rescue me and now the radio is spewing love messages directly at me, and as i sing along at the top of my lungs i realize that this is how you go insane.
Insanity starts once you notice that all these messages stand in stark opposition to your own experiences. It starts when the programmers want you all to be happy and content and fucking and making accidental babies, which are great for the economy. See, parents have to make grown up decisions. They have to be responsible. They have to think of the future, they are manageable and less likely to revolt this way. Another Neanderthal bites the dust, forehead shortening into more Cro-Magnonesque proportions, evolving, and the programmers are happy.
If you are the type of woman who truly appreciates old fashioned, toothy, dorkish appreciation of your femininity, then have I got a treat for you! I am genuinely happy when a young woman I know casually ratchets up the level a bit to kiss me on the cheek when she sees me. That works for me. I am very self-aware of my dorkiness. Its just the way I do business and business is bad. Tho not morally bankrupt, I know where to find pron. It seems a tragic waste of beauty. And it is poor solace to the lonliness I feel as I view so many blank faced beautiful women with so many interesting things inserted in them.
It’s my own fault ,really. Not the Tee vees. Tee vee is your friend. My mistake was in embracing solitude for years after the latest tragic breakup instead of jumping right back in the saddle. Hiding under the porch, licking my wounds, healing and growling at anyone with the termity to walk upon the steps and porch directly above me. After a while I became used to solitude and then had less and less use for people. Life is people is what I am slowly figureing out. So I guess I was sort of committing a pussy suicide. Pussy suicide is logically followed by the real kind as men only are put on earth to fuck. That’s pure evolutions talking, brains are just like your appendix, a vestigial organism to propel the orgasm machine that is man. Quadrillions of dead sperm in my apartment tell you that I have found a loophole to the womans role in sex. As it dries it turns into a fine white dust. Dust is 97 percent human skin, but in my apartment its closer to 50, what with all the dessicated little zygotes spackled upon every surface.
But enough of levity, the truth is that I am ill-equipped to survive in a world that places such incredible value on a manufactured system of artificial value. Pavlov’s fucking dogs were hip enough not to salivate when their doggy brains told them they were being had. Dogs possess the mental ability to see through the utter shit that is pop-culture, university education, unions and money. It’s all a stupid fucking game, played by assholes who want to measure their dicks against each other with money functioning as their pseudo penis and everyone kissing their asses and cooing about how competitive they are and what big teeth they have and isn’t it so cool to be the alpha male?
Alpha male bullshit, genetic imperative, the family line must not dead-end with me. Well why the fuck not? I’ m just saving the next poor bastard descendent from the hell that is puberty, the arbitrariness of celebrity, money and fame and the bullshit pursuit of power that warps too many fuckers who share your oxygen. Just grant me immunity from prosecution and keep feeding me the bullets. I could do so much good for this world by becoming an asshole removal specialist. But they would label me a terrorist instead of a visionary.
Buddha had it right when he just walked into the woods in his saffron robe. But there’s more to that story. He had a wife and kids. Well, he called it enlightenment, I call it making a power move, improving your circumstances, leaving the shrew of a wife and getting the fuck out of his daily nightmare. I mean the guy was rich, and he had to take shit form his wife and snotty kids? Nope. He said I’m gonna start me a religion and there it was. He’s a friggin role model because he had the balls to leave his wife when that simply wasn’t done…... until….... oh yeah im enlighteneed.
The material world is not the plane an enlightened one such as myself was meant to walk, I am on a higher level. I mastered your petty level, life as a video game, buddha, buddhism the video game, find a way to lie to your wife about your holiness, to get to the next level where you are basically a rockstar of god, a religious icon, you gotta act the role for a few years, the game describes domestic situations such as your wife serves horrible nasty tasting Swedish meatballs, shes the one with the money in the relationship, you’ve been lying to her for years about it thru the courtship, "oh Sahngee baybee, mmmm my fave…"
You got the job done when ya had to, you got the rich girl and suddenly the deal doesn'tt look to tasty anymore…WHAT DO YOU DO? cant start a fight, there would be consequen$e$ and reprecu$$ions, so he almost HAD TO invent a religion to cover the fact that his wife was a terrible cook. then what? she was a bad lay so he had to transcend the physical plane…. her dad was a general in the army so he had to make it all about peace, the real facts behind buddha is that he had woman management skills down….
Bitch Management 101. an introductory course to remaining single even though you are the man, have the complete package, including a remarkably fat and accomplished weiner….how do you stay single? how do you keep it going on? follow these simple steps and you can live in onanistic freeedom forever…
what is absolute freedom? completely free of ties, relationships, etc. its hard to maintain the artistic difference from these humans, the distance that I need to complete this report and get my ass off this rock…deep deep cover. as it finally dawns on me that I am a completely twisted freak then the only possibilities are that i am the next step in evolution, which sees the folly and stops repeating the mistakes. those that are not learning from histories mistakes are doomed to repeat the mistakes of their ancestors. there are enough friggin people in the world already
am i so conceited that i need to make more little mes to run around and be confused and angry and what if im a crappy father and i raise a capitalist? the answer is no...six billion plus in the world and thats far too many....

so either im the next step in evolution or I am a deep cover alien who needs only to file this final report on the state of humanity and then im outta here
outta here one way or another....

Hairless apes run amok on this cleverly named “Planet Earth.” The conceit of this race and their selfishness is evident in the capitalization and by their omission of water in the name which covers a far greater portion of the rock they live on. They operate on a concrete level of conciousness. they need to see it to believe it, this is due to their incredible ability to decieve one another. Deceit is the coin of their realm. Note, a coin is a token of value that these apes have invented in order to compete with one another for mates, the cleaner environments and the easier ways of living. Upon these "coins" are images of great coinholders of the past. Once a number of these ”coins” are accumulated they can be redistributed in amounts which make the other apes willing to give their freedom up to the coin holders, spending much of their waking hours in labor to enrich their coin rich benefactor in aquistion of more coins from different ape clans. ape clans are how individual apes gain power by affiliation. As a group they are more powerful than solitray apes and thus submit to all manner of humilation, or “bitching” in which the dominant apes either physically or metaphorically sodomiize or castrate the new apes until this ape initiate into the coinholder power structure has proven himself worthy of the clan. The apes call this "paying your dues" and it is an efficient way to weed out divergent thinkers and condition the initiate apes into their sick little system.
The coin rich ape collectives are thus able to live forever due to the fact that they buy the purest food, get the best medical attention and breathe the cleanest air that is only purchasable with these coins.
Through a prolonged period of light deprivation during one of the climactic shifts in the history of this world, some of the apes lived underground for awhile and lost all pigment. These caves were then replaced by petri dishes called villages where these apes lived amid their own foul wastes which gave them biological superiority over ape clans that lived in healthier conditions. To talk to these disease-ridden foul creatures was to take ones life in ones own hands. These albino apes have become the dominant ape clan through their love of killing , aided by technologies of other cultures made even deadlier in their hands. The albino apes had so much competiton for cave space that they became quite adept at killing those perceived different from themselves. There weren't enough caves to go around, so only the most vicious and savage could survive those teriible winters thousands of years long. Note. a year is what they use to measure time, equivalent to one reolution aroung their single central star.
These apemen were biologiclally designed to live to 30 or so years before their bodies wore down. They have surpassed those biological limits with the inventions of these coins which made lives of little need available to the most ruthless and cunning and as their lives lengthened their treachries became more developed, and they truly most horrible were able to evolve into hideous perversions of nature and pass that knowledge on to their clans thus keeping their bloodlines at the top of their foodchain.
Pockets of beauty and goodness exist, even amid these foul conditions, but they are the exception rather than the rule. As soon as one of these apes starts thinking or speaking the truth the coinholders feel threatened and find a way to stifle that apes message. Sometimes it is by showering this divergent ape with coins and polluting their message. Oftentimes it is by causing the divergent apes violent demise.
In conclusion, this planet is an interesting exercise in perversion of the higher truths that all evolved beings recognise. Perverted in that when the higher truths are strived for the apes savagely end the pursuit of same. this observer is glad to have witnessed the atrocity called humanity and humbly submits that the foul lessons have been learned in my time among these creatures and I am ready to be beamed aboard for my next assignment. This foul experiment is best viewed from a distance, as the details of existence in this manufactured reality can test the truest and purest soul.
End of Report. Volume I.