i am a terrible human being and a shitty frienD
basically, i have shielded myself from close human contact from the beginninG
cruelties suffered in school when i was a wee laD
after the glory of kindergarden thru third grade where i was a genius, thanks to my moms reading to me and the print rich environment of my homE
in fourth grade i had a mean teacher and turned away from school as a careeR
i was no longer the shining staR
a teacher so mean the shy girl next to me was so afraid to ask to go potty that she wet herselF
middle school was too many kidS
in too small a spacE
so i began setting fires, stealing and peeing on thingS
a suburban sociopatH
i hid from my first "girlfriend" under her pool table at a party in her house when the dancing starteD.
i was SMOOTH with the ladies my whole lifE
in highschool i was wrestling at 129 and could have gone lighteR
but the underclassman in the lower weight was being groomed for a varsity job next year so the coach said dont botheR
his family was athletes two generations bacK
hearty farm boyS
i was the weirdO
with acne so bad one bitch asked me one day "whats wrong with your facE?"
so i went to college and was still painfully shy and awkward and that appealed to a girl or twO.
community college of philadelphiA
a two year school i spent 3 and one half years attendinG
where i worked out all the things you are supposed to get a handle on in high schooL
mr late bloomeR
when that ended due to academic probation, i was only allowed to take classes that directly led to a degree, i dropped out and started my bukowskiesqe drunkenwaitering phasE
the phase of the horrifying questionS
my best bud asked onE
after a night in wildwood and extreme drinkinG
my get high buddy, my video game partner, he wanted morE
"what would you do," he asked, in the middle of a particularly brutal hangover on the way home to philly, "waht would you do if one of your closest friend in the world"
UH OH
"told you that he was gay?"
well i sure wouldnt suck his weiner was my instant response, unuttered, instead i opted for total silence all the way home....
question two was post coitaL
a lovely time for revelationS
like i did when i had my cherry popped by one of the secretaries that shared an office with my dad at the schooL
i told her, "youre number one" several times and she didnt know where i was going with that statemenT
mr smootH
anyway, post-coital, she was a waitress, i was the drunken waiter, she asks horrible question number twO
"what would you say if i told you i was borderline mentally retardeD?"
OY
i lefT
mr smooth rides agaiN.
anyway, mr smooth went away to another college and tended some bar and eventually had a modicum of game that he could spiT
in certain situationS
and mr smooth had his heart shredded twice and became more and more warY
skittish eveN
like the android says to harrison ford on the roof in blade runneR
"quite and experience to live in fear, isn't iT"
fear of human contact because that brings obligations and paiN.
and thats cool i guess, call me when you want a pair of hands to help you movE
call me when you want to go out for a feW
im friend litE
half the obligations and responsibilities of a true frienD
i have two or three of theM
i also have a good half dozen scattered across the country that could be reactivated due to proximity i thinK
and some of them i never talk to but i know how to get to them when its code reD
but this whole notion of woman as friend is problematic for mE
because of the possibility of the luxury upgrade that exists and lurks beneath the surface of conversationS
especially when one of the friends is gods gift to men, as i was once gods gift to womaN
so one of these problematic women called me on friday nite latE
the one from 20 years agO
a gentle soul, but troubled and in trouble and needing helP
needing a mans helP
specifically this mans helP
the problems are not mine to share, that is her story, but she needed me to come up big and i failed her in her time of neeD
i was sympathetic, but not moved to actioN
it didnt seem like my set of problemS
it also seemed like a stretch of my friendship lite positioN
the action required was heroiC
MR SMOOTH TO THE RESCUE
mr smooth aint in the rescue businesS
it felt like family business and i have always been on the outside of that dynamiC
it felt like a friendship upgrade, but was probably just a friend in crisis, but the permutations and possibilities were all about a future as her GO TO GUY
that aint mE
im selfish i guesS
frightened of the dramatic possibilitieS
a shitty frienD
but i think my role was defined a little clearer to us both by my inactioN
the see-saw of neediness tipped her way and she needed a shoulder to cry on and man to be around and do manly things, but im not that man for her and sometimes reality is a bitcH
im good at pretending to be a real persoN
i fool alot of peoplE
but im an alieN
a strange dude in a strange world and no grok to go arounD
no grok anywherE
groklesS
karmically i know i am doomed noW
but to make up for it a little i am telling the world what an asshole i aM

warning, i am an assholE

an asshole who folded the laundry i found in the dryer when i went to use it because it seemed like the right thing to do when you share a roof with twelve strangers in a shitty little rathole in south philly on a cold snowy eveninG
you define your humanity by your interactions with other humanS
it seems to her like i hurt her badly, but in the long run, i was only going to let her down a lot worse somewhere down the linE
i know it because she wanted to know if i loved her one night at two thirty in the AM two months agO
and she waited on the line as i avoided answering the question for forty minutes or so and kept at me until i said those word just so i could get some sleep or because she wanted me too or because i do a little or whatever, it was uncomfortable, a police interrogatioN
"SAY IT"
slap
whimper
"SAY IT"
"OOF"
sob
"hold on, hold on, hold on," says the good love cop, grabbing the bad love cops arm in the interrogation room at love cop centraL
"you see, we KNOW, and my partner is just a little anxious to get your three word confession on paper so that he can start building sandcastles of hope on the beach of love"
"But..."
"Its low tide, his favorite time for construction, and he wants to get out to the beach while it is still sunny..."
"um but you see..."
"i cant hold him back forever, just say it and let him try out that new bucket and shovel he won as love cop of the year last year"
"but the tide..."
"i know that and you now that, but he doesn't, the big lug, and he punches hard doesnt he?"
"but if im battered now into love submission, who is to say what awful weapons he will use next time, as the sandcastle erodes into oblivion, hope destoyed by very wave, bitterness building towards an awful climax"
"the tide might not come in tho, havent you heard of global warming? and you might catch bird flu, or a meteor might strike and wipe us out like the dinaosaurs"
"LEMME AT THAT PUKEY PUNK, I'LL EVISCERATE 'EM!"
"i cant hold him back much longer, why dont you just say it and then file a counter suit claiming coersion in love court later, get a good lawyer..."
"but i hate lawyers, they're worse than a case of poison ivy on the genitals, and i know, i caught that twice and had to live in a bathrobe, but thats a different story and this confessional is over, just remember this kids, i am an asshole, not to be trusted with love or money, and if i wasn't mildly amusing i would be an utter loner instead of a socialized functional one like i am now"
"What?"
"WHAT?"

fade to black

finis