the results are in
im a fat old man
feet mired in molasses as i attempt to change the course of younger, faster more motivated fellows
they run by
momentarily impeded by my arm
as the shoulder fails to connect
a step slow, am i

the badass is buried beneath layers of apathy
visible to the world as these extra 40 pounds
fat and sassy is no way to play rugby
its fine for old cats on window sills
soaking up the rays

finally someone decided to try to run me over
and there was that satisfying smack
flesh on flesh
full contact
and down goes frazier
down goes frazier
the two week old dull ache in my mid back gets realigned with the smack
a sort of high speed chiropractor
and i have a glimmer of pride

i need more than a glimmer
but theres nothing compelling about working out
no one to impress
unless i wanna sell myself on the ageless warrior vibe
i sure have a bad taste in my mouth from the recent defeat
the game is passing me by and i watch it and say, what a shame
as i finish my millionth beer
and start on the second million

where is the grrrr?
where is my anger?
where is the need to physically dominate my fellow man?
the need which served me oh so well and made me oh so nasty?

i did fuck up some garlic mustard plants this weekend
thousands of the suckers
i could hear them screaming
as i pulled their roots from the rain-soaked soil
piles of death dot the landscape
is this what asia looked like during attilas time?

applying constant pressure while
bending over and dealing destruction felt like rugby

i got muddy and wet like rugby

my back was sore after the carnage
just like rugby

maybe this is the first step back to greatness
build on this success
work my way up the food chain
maybe trees next week
then insects
then smalller amphibians
by june i should be into warm-blooded creatures
then in september, people
its a plan

the shit hits the fan tommorrow
i find out if i am still a badass
or an old man

i got skills
im leaning towards the badass assessment

the doubters think that im a fat old man
they dont reaize that im 280 pounds of rage
time to give back to the world
that shits on me
that has no place for me
like the psycho in the movie that boils the bunny
I WILL NOT BE IGNORED
someone wakes up with a sore neck tommorrow
cuz im going to try to push his jaw thru his spinal chord
his heart out his ass
i know im gonna walk around like a senior citizen on easter sunday
but this troll loves to share his pain

the nerve
those billygoats
tromping across MY bridge!

don, the old man downstairs, is worried
the new tenants are spanish
he has a theory about them
and several racist suspicions

they have to be better than the crackheads who stole our mail
and broke into my place, i counter

"Ahhh, tran(the landlord)
is an asshole"
is his answer

the crackheads said that the older, skinny , wrinkly, walking bag of bones was the father of the younger skinny bag of bones
but we knew the truth
when the younger one was arrested
and replaced within a week with a similarly skinny fellow

ahh, gay love
not as cinematic as the gay cowboy movie
which was pretty hard to take
with all the mouth kissing
and spitting on the hand before mounting
but i watched every minute
as a test of my willpower
if i can watch every minute of that movie i guess i could do just about anything i set my mind to
next stop, pluto

i try to stay connected to my fellow humans
but they're such a pain in the assim just a little different is all
my tolerances are greater
a higher threshold for action i suppose
i have to be just about broke to even consider looking for work
each day without a job is a victory for me
a sweet victory over the system which equates the hours of my life with a dolllar amount

so you are looking at a winner
when you look at me
but only in my eyes

people offer me jobs and leave their numbers
but that would be a commitment
i cant do that
unless it "that time of the month"
rent time
when i have to work or start packing

so many employers need me to have "reliable transportation" that it seems like a conspiracy
why would i want to own a machine which requires so much upkeep?
gas, oil, insurance, maintenance, the list is endless
and they befoul my precious earth
the earth that gave me this sweet nonworking life
the life of a prince

as a nation we are like thelma and louise heading towards the brink
the brink being the environmental holocaust that is coming
as a result of the abuse
but we head for the edge, flooring it,
holding hands with out precious lovely cars
that caused all the shit in the first place
them and the millions of methane-rich cow farts
caused by all of the cow eaters out there
maybe its a cow in the front seat with you thelma
a cow named louise
with deep brown eyes that you just fall into
as you slip your hand between her lags for a little fresh milk
it drips off your lips as you toungue kiss your bovine lover just before the ravine

i spent saturday in helper mode

our rugby team had a need for someone to stand behind a table and sell cold cheeseburgers and undercooked/burnt hot dogs to college kids

i jumped in

ima people person
just give me someone to fuck with and i will

old, young, hot, im letting them know they are in an alternate universe when they are intereacting with me, or just even catching my eye
all patter for the longest running unrecognised genius of a comedy act known to man

i am the entertainer
my mind just zings and before you know it some rugby coaches ten your old son is doing old saturday night live skits with me as we sell our wares

"cheeseburger, cheeseburger, hot dog hot dog hot dog"
"sports drink<<<<<<<< HEY ADVERTISERS <<<<<<<<<< SEND ME MONEY AND I WILL EDIT THIS POST TO SAY YOUR PRODUCT NAME HERE!!!!! ______________ send a check for 100 bucks to baker : 321 reed st: phila PA 19147..."sports drink sports drink...
no red...purple....
purple purple purple...no red...
purple.....pretzel?..... no chip, pretzel, pretzel pretzel pretzel"

the funniest thing was that the kid didnt know about the parody/celebration of the akroyd belushi energy....he just knew it was funny paricipatory humor and jumped right in the little improv master...and he keptthe thing going all day when i was over playing rugby, id hear him yelling "JUMBO_DOG! JUMBO-DOG!" from across the rugby field and laugh as he ordered around the three adults at the food stand....he will be a great supervisor someday.....

and i was further juiced by the old school hip hop that was the stuff when i was young and living at the beach, old ll cool j, when he was hard as hell.....eric b...terminator X....we are brothers from the same mind, unblind...now they got me in a cell, cuz my records they sell, z a brother like me says well...take off the badge and whattaya got, a sucka in a uniform waiting to get......

so of course that brought out my inna city hustler mentality and soon me and the kid were asking "you want a strip?" to pretzel purchasers and extolling all the virutes of selling the strip instead of just the twist because they could break 'em down to all their homies how all the REAL Gee's bought at least a strip and got into the "dough game" in philly town, that they could become the pretzel scarface of this college rugby tournament

a dime a dot, a hunnert a rock and all of a sudden im channeling rap 20 years older than the olde school i started on and the kids know what it is that i am now saying, yow mean? yawm-SAYNE'

people were just hanging out at the stand listening to me riff on people. i heard them saying words like hilarious...maybe this is my humor niche...rugby food stand guy...ill give ya four hours of fucking with people and raising money if you give me a game....

four more hours if you give me a place to crash and a bottle of JACK DANIELS
(someone contact JD and tell them they owe me one benjamin, thanx)
if you want more let me know ill come by for any range of time from a week to a month and try to record your teams exploits as i see them happen and hear about them...

like the scary good scary quick dude who plays for us now...truly intergalactic potential, i could see him starting for andromeda's murderous killers squad in the next year if not the crab nebula nebyooulizards in the next two or three...
he runs like a greyhound out there, and once he learns the rules his instincts are a perfect fit for this game of ours..he spent all of college getting quick for football and when college ended, he was a mass of muscle and sinew looking for potential havoc...rugby provided him that havoc and we are lucky to have him...for the next year or so he will be the belle of the ball after most rugby games, as people tend to gravitate towards a winner, hard competitor, likeable guy....if he has any sense he will quit his job and play internationally WHILE HE IS YOUNG as soon as he hears a few offers, and compares them and gets a good first job on his resume, pays back some bills, gets a few $$$ in the bank and LIVE THE DREAM for a few years while his body is flexible enough to take the punishment and ask for more....

or about the brutal retired asian assassain whose sole purpose was mayhem. talking to him about the game today his eyes get a faraway look as he talks
"I love it when I used to make the tackle, lift the guy over the ball and then rake and stomp the hell out of him with my studs with the ref just standing there watching me as i do it"
...studs being the aluminum spikes of our boots of war....all legal...hes supposed to roll away, and if he blocks access to the ball he is considered a part of the ground... this dudes back made him quit even tho he made several post surgery forays which just were going to wind up putting him in a wheel chair sometime if he kept it up at his work rate....he talks of what happens to the faster, skilled players of the opponenets back line when he catches them at the bottom of a pile and finds ways to slow them down by punching and stompig their calves and quads, nicking up and bruising their legs o slow them down and how the opposing team always retaliated with a gleam in his eye....
rugby is a game of collisions, but we try to make them controlled collisions if we want to play for more than a few years...but every now and then someone lines you up just right when you are passing the ball or trying to steal one...this happened to me three times this weekend, i got dumped hard twice, but i made the pass, and then i took a direct hit on the bone below my knee as i turned to present the ball on a play we wound up scoring on...but walking kinda sucked after that hit so i left the game for the first time in ten years....

this game is brutal to you at 42, sunday is cripple day for me...usually saturday night it starts, as everything tightens up and i start the saturday night shuffle, here comes granpa....i guess i needed more preseason conditioning, or at least some.....

but if i start doing pushups by the thousand and core stuff i got a few seasons left in this olde body of mine...so im buying some creatine i guess and starting to work out a little and maybe not eat pure shit anymore, think about the diet a tiny bit and maybe i can blossom into what resembles the shambles of an ancient roman temple...the temple ruined by the invading hordes of visigoths and germans...
the temple to the god adonis that if i really try might resemble a shambles of a temple if you look really hard and have a good imagination and are suseptible to jedi mind tricks....