housesitting while my parents head south i watch so much tv my brain hums
toxic amounts, i am sure
flipping thru the channels
decrying the lack of genuine entertainment
the hunter gatherer in me always flipping and flipping
panning for gold in rivulets of shit
as i watch, i ask myself couold i do that, live that wy
im still trying to figure out my destiny
im pretty sure that i wouldnt shake my ass for money
but it looks like that industry is doing well
if i was pretty enough, would i want people looking and thinking their lurid thoughts about my booty of beauty?
hard to say
i kinda hate most people already
for being in my way
breathing my oxygen
not recycling
driving hummers
but in the final analysis the ignorant fucks DONT KNOW ANY BETTER
and hating the ignorant is a waste of my precious time
oh yeah
my time so friggin precious
wouldnt want to miss a second of this amusement park called life
thats why i have to stop drinking
missing out on too much beauty
i may stop sleeping to
im missing beauty as i sleep
and im going to have to stop eating because everything is bad for you
and no more self indugent pleasures of the groinal area because the buddhists say that saps your essence and drains you of spiritual strength
so i will devote 2006 to becoming a being of pure thought

what an interesting year
a year of no money and an end to the delusion that i was helping the wretches
my mother theresa phase is over
the epic battle with illitereacy must be carried on by others
reading and writing belong in a different millenium
this is the age of food processed thoughts
intellectual shorthand
easily digestable ideas
all the great ideas have been thunk already anyway
the rest is just personal details
and no one is interested in that
they are too busily entwined in their own boring details
or in the details of the winners
or in whats happening to the pretty
or the rich
lottery winners we are
lucky to live in the MEGA MuTHuhhhhh
the dominant society
the trendsetter
the vilified
the celebrated
loved or hated
we got lucky being born in this country
but the luck to be born into a country of 928 million of six billion is nothing compared to the luck of the sperm that inseminated a very lucky egg in your mommys girl place
the egg could easily have been just another tampon soaker
and there were plenty of those just ask yer mom if ya dont believe me
and mr lucky sperm, one of billions and billions
so rejoice in your luckiness
your fortune
dont be mad that the rednecks are blowing stuff up outside
its a tradition
we celebrate our dominance of the world by blowing off some surplus ammo on ny eve
we are the champions my friend

went and saw some open mike comedy tonite
if i had signed up i would have bombed too
the audience was hostile
45 people in the audience
i brought eight
twenty of them were on the bill
hostile and sulking
wondering why their jokes werent funny
stewing in their own juices
glaring
not having fun
second grade shit
you didnt laff at me so im not your friend anymore
and im not laughing at your date rape humor
the pedophila bit was edgy tho
yeah
radical
the shocking stuff doesnt shock anymore because they jump right to it
plus we become less shockable over time
so the comedians have to rely on humor
setting shit up
creating a mood
no one did political humor
but politics today is as funny as a horny priest these days
gallows humor i guess
were all gonna die, aint it funny
one dude did a joke about africans raping infants because they think it is a cure for aids
and the pickup lines theyd use....
well he found that spot where people are uncomfortable
and used it to stretch our minds
to see things in a new
way
and that is the essense of comedy, its a perceptual shift
those of us who thought he was just an unfunny dork gradually became aware that he was also a waste of sprem
no one would miss him
theyd be happy for the silence that replaced his obnoxious wasting of oxygen
its a shame i didnt get up there
my global warming stuff would have killed
whats black and white and has sun poisoning?
a post bush penguin
what did one polar bear say to the other one?
glub glub glib
yeah eskimos, think your so smart with your perma frost and thiry words for snow?
what cha got now?
perms and frosties and alot of old jews moving north to alberta
its the new miami doll
polar bears are getting skinnier
their hunting season is dependent on the ice
they hunt seals when they come up for air at their blowholes
the bears are gonna have to adapt
rent snow blowers
zambonis
maybe they could rent out this cold cold audience
thaw baybee thaw
i thought i thaw a putty tat
the first openly gay cartoon
tweety
was honored today by the gay wall of fame in key west
wall as in rectal lining
the award is a silver sperm with his name on it
his is right next to elton john and rock hudson
the mount rushmore of gay iconography
tweetie, with his lisp and granma fetish was a hero to gays everywhere by out witting all attempts of the pussy to capture him
he was a pussy avoiding mudda fukka
o mi god here comes some pussy, save me granny

so i hit a trifecta for 288 today
doing my bukowski imitation
put a longshot over the chalk and a nine to one at aqueduct
a deep money track
since the favorites only win 33 percent of the time i am getting value here
and the deep money means the payoffs are sweet
the chalk. or favorita, finished second by a nose
if it had finished third ida had to sign for it
meaning the payoff way more than 600
the going rate is 10 percent of the payoff
the signing is on tax forms
senior citizens love to sign for youngsters like me
and it spreads the karma around
its karmically pure
so i hit the tri
and then went to work
i was scheduled to tend bar
when i got there the bar shifts were gone
bartenders make tips
all waiters aspire to tend bar
its the restaurant food chain
so the ones that beat me there glommed up the bar shifts
so i left
already ahead of the game for the week financially
and playing some serious poker too
i turned 5 bucks into 6 HUNDRED and eighty five
in six hours on wednesday evening
waiting tables coste me money
i have a skill
a prowess for poker
a sense of the game
i should maximize this sense while it is still receiving signals
before it dies
let my neurons flow
go axons
go dendrites
make harry boy rich tonite
its about guessing right
like in the seminal steve matin flick, "the jerk"
"you can puffout your cheeks,"
you can stand on your toes BUT YOU CAN'T FOOL THE GUESSER
pay a dollar and win some crap
yeah
crap
what is on every dollar bill in circulation
fecal remanats
look it up
the more cash you have
the more fecal remnants you possess
good for you
in the competition for fecal remnant
contaminated currency i want to finish just ahead of my bills
i have lost my flow
i shall stop now
no closure
no artistic flourish
just a bye bye

til death do us part
ive seen some of that in action
man, does that look like fun....
one of my dogs, a homie from way back claims i cant understand it from the outside
i would counter, why get involved in something you cant understand?
i was there
i saw most of the ceremony
i heard the forsaking all others part
then i left to go have sex in the elevator with that little greek nurse while everyone hit the buffet line
i miss her
she was down for anything
sex on the beach at three in the afternoon under a blanket
geez
its a shame she was psycho
and liked to fight
cuz our libidos matched so perfectly
but that death do you part shit is some heavy heavy verbiage
or verbage
one of the previous was an actual word
one is the way my brain has heard it mispronounced
by intellectuals at conferences or seminars
im not a dictionary guy
look it up yourselves
anyway
my dog claims that people change
the theory is that they grow together
becoming this unit
this brave front against the cruel world
uniting against all others
protecting the family unitinsuring the continuation of the genetic line
the biological imperative linked with the church and state and laws
married people are so much easier to control
they have to takwe the whole familial unit into consideration when making any decision, no matter how trivial
like my brother john, for instance
cause he has two big drinkers for brothers, he is hounded by his wife for spending any time with us
"i had to watch the kids all day"
"thats inconsiderate"
"you could have called"
etc.
how much of this he brings upon himself is open to debate
hes been known to shift blame before
and me and my drunken bro are perfect targets of irresponsibility
its a cute little trick he plays
bitching to us about his shrew wife on monday
about us to her on tuesday
explaining the "family as a team" concept to us again on wednesday when sneaking out again
blaming us on thursday for the way things happened
which is cool
hes always blameless
hes always commiserating about the things that bug him
talking things out
seeming resonable to the present audience and then just as reasonably talking out of the other side of his mouth for the next audience
a life of blamelessness
he always seems reasonable
but we all know about the raging temper, the bouiling anger the frustration caused by being the little brother
i take full responsibility for creating this asshole
i teased him his whole life
i thought that was my job
to toughen him up
to make him fight the neighbor kid
he benefitted by being self assured in highschool
he was the king of his highschool because me and my bro toughened him up
and how does he thank us?
by lifting weights and getting ready for "the next time" that we are all together and drunk and his new strong body will make a difference
by picking up a door chime in the middle of a wrestling match that he started by poking my drunken brother in the face with a roll of paper towels when he was sitting down
bellowing when my brother actually pushes him back
a nice drunken wrestling match that both parties talked shit about for weeks about how they should have kicked the living shit out of each other
both forgetting in their blind rage that there were kids underfoot
i broke it up like the voice of reason that i am
but both of them start shit
so do i
but with each other there can be no winner
so these vows
these vows make you committed for life
heavy words
a lifetime commitment
ive seen the soulsearching that goes on when the drama is strong and unavoidable
yet they stayed together
when the going gets tough the tough stay married
ive seen people endure the seemingly unendurable
with the simple words
i made a lifetime commitment to____________
and simply honoring those words uttered in front of witnesses
people change, sure
but you are supposed to grow stronger in your bonding wit yer significant other and
make it work
not grow more selfish
the selfishness then comes into play for your kids and wife as you jealously guard their interests as your own
i aint that strong so i aint married

remember those words that you repeated to the priest and families
when the world gave you presents
in sympathy
"you married that..." (check as many as apply)
___bitch ___asshole ___drunk ___liar ___fool ___psycho ___gay cowboy
thats why they give you gifts
to soothe the burn
because when you marry into our family you have got to have thick skin
sometimes the wedding recetion is when the first inklings of trouble start to pop up their heads
why would you have an open bar at your wedding BEFORE THE CEREMONY?
didnt you notice what booze does to us?
what booze does to your husband?
he of the brother fighting and breaking of windows
bakers get drunk, curse and frequently walk long distances home
thats just what we do
an open bar before the wedding is BEGGING FOR TROUBLE
if i hadnt had a concussion that day i might have been making witty drunker comments too
i might have been hip enough to steal the spotlight and take the blame
i will take all blame for all things
and say "my bad" afterwards
my bad fixes everything
my bad are magic wors
MY BAD
as in my bad web log

david lee comes to town in january and his voice sounds great, as usual
one of the ugliest rockstars ever, but what a voice
put the man in spandex,
blow his hair out like a broad,
and watch him wail
he will be helping people wake up and become the deep voiced man in the am on the radio that everyone must listen too
good luck
hope he doesnt go the "gang of chuckling idiots" approach that is all over the radio these days
boring dudes trying to be wacky
telling the world how "bad" they are human beings
celebrating their lack of development, pandering to a fourteen yr old potty humor dynamic in their late forties
trying their best to be outrageous
hopefully he will be a little more chilled out than these tired hyenas of the airways
cracking themselves up
i find them worse than the laugh tracks on bad sit coms
forced hilarity
forced laughter
dont force it, its the only pure thing in the world
faking laughter is worse than faking an orgasm
which ive had to do twice
because some of dem wimmin folk be crazy sumtime
i dont even know if i can take the credit for taking them there
i think they came that way
and its a real treat
until it becomes exercise
and all you want to do is sleep
but shes looking for one last plateau
and its the third time
and that takes forever
to fool my brain that its ecstatic again or whatever
my lizard brain is just dumb
so i fake it so i can get some sleep
making sure that the tempo and timing and passion are there for her to get where she needs to get
then roll off
sensitively
heroically
relievedly
but faking a laugh?
why?
oh, wait, for money
that makes it ok
as long as the price is right, anything is endurable
well i was covered with feces and peoples dna for hours, but i made good coin
it all came off in the shower and i was six figures richer
and that money will come in handy for the therapists bills
and to buy sleeping pills when i cant fall asleep
yeah
money
id rather sleep than earn it when my rent is paid and i have food
i love my part time lifestyle
i think the key is im not bored
that the next part time job is around the corner
two half jobs and i dont get ground down or trapped by the day after day jail sentence that jobs turn into when youre locked in by benefits and it would be idiocy to quit a good thing
golden handcuffs
i can pick up and go at any time
im just waiting for the right offer
the quakes didnt call me back yet
but i felt good on the phone
i told them 2 years would be a good feeling out period
and time to write
and of my landscaping prowess
and of my willing ness to become a sort of quaker historian, tour guide, lesson planner
i should go to their meeting this weekend
just for fun
chi chester or concorde?
i forget
but a cool job where they leave me alone and i get to chill and best of all NO RENT
dream of all dreams
rent sucks
its like the hole where the rain gets in
and stops my mind from wanderin
because i hae to use a portion of my brain too work, get ready for work, etc and that brain energy would be better used on notions
and thoughtstreams
and to ponder
maybe if i was more organized id build some pondering time into my schedule on my daytimer
yeah, im scary organized
type a
pondering cant be scheduled
so to make my dreams come true and be finally left alone for the most part ive gotta downsize
sell some books
donate some of my rags
oh crap, work in 2 hours
no time to ponder
gotta sew my pants and clean my ass crack and hair
brosse les dents
perfume my pits with the manly scent of speed stick
so ta ta for now
no great thoughts today
like usual

worked 16 hours and the van was running late at 100 AM in delaware
heard a car accident at the end of the road, a vey loud metallic thunk,
the sound you hate to hear as a car owner
turns out the dude in the neon dies
a big lateral wrinkle half way up drivers side door
so it doesnt quite seem so cold after all
the fact that the van is an hour and a half late doesnt seem so bad
the feet that hurt so throbbingly are at least still sensate
tonight was a very thirsty day of work
they had an open bar
ripe for my machianations
but i stood resolute
the only alcohol crossing my lips was the delicious wine flavored cheese
and i felt guilty about it
eleven days so far
feeling cleaner and lighter in the mornings
pockets of thirstiness at key times
like at the bar with a pal 4 lunch
or when turning in my football pool at another
or when getting home from work
pass
pass
pass
cool
now the savings accrue
all the $$$ i spent in search of the perpetual buzz
now will theoretically wind up in my pocket
ILL BE RICH
ha
it turned out i wasnt fired after failing to show up last weekend
so now i have three jobs
see how long that lasts
do two busy weeks
to prepare for school closing in christs honor
when main gig will be nonexistent
man with a plan
start with tiny plans
then dream bigger

no booze, day 9, no problem, its just as easy to decide to drink as to decide not to drink, crap, i did it for the whole summer one time.
you ignore the thirstiness, shout it down with your intellect, yeah im adddicted, dependent, because my mind is weak, im sick, i NEED it.
hahahaha
it fits the cheap bastard in me
booze costs money and my boy isnt a barkeep anymore
long gone are the days that i can drink for free in public because of my extensive good works and deeds, they are all dim memopries, all people can see when looking at me is a broke bum, and i like it
no cash is a good filter
a screen
snow day today and it means i dont get paid
for once i hope they keep schools open
haha
laughing to myself in a suddenly clean apartment
ive replaced drinking with cleaning
i can see my floor again
things are in piles, drawers or closets
the haze has lifted
temporarily free of hangovers
alot less stumbling around and breaking shit
lets see what happens next

now i have options, exciting choices, possibiliteS
got a call from a job i found onlinE
caretakeR
for quakerS
a quaker caretakeR
living in a small apartment above a garagE
painting, lanscaping, chilling the fuck ouT
for no money at alL
and it sounds perfecT
ive been looking for a way to drop out of society for a long time noW
investigating communes, korea, homelessnesS
if i could have a spot to just chill out in peace it would either drive me completely over the edge or be just the therapy that im looking foR
im gonna take a few minutes and script the conversatioN
so i sound perfecT
and then make the decision whether to continue along in this city of many unhealthy distractions or choose a new waY
a quieter waY
fun to think abooT

i am a terrible human being and a shitty frienD
basically, i have shielded myself from close human contact from the beginninG
cruelties suffered in school when i was a wee laD
after the glory of kindergarden thru third grade where i was a genius, thanks to my moms reading to me and the print rich environment of my homE
in fourth grade i had a mean teacher and turned away from school as a careeR
i was no longer the shining staR
a teacher so mean the shy girl next to me was so afraid to ask to go potty that she wet herselF
middle school was too many kidS
in too small a spacE
so i began setting fires, stealing and peeing on thingS
a suburban sociopatH
i hid from my first "girlfriend" under her pool table at a party in her house when the dancing starteD.
i was SMOOTH with the ladies my whole lifE
in highschool i was wrestling at 129 and could have gone lighteR
but the underclassman in the lower weight was being groomed for a varsity job next year so the coach said dont botheR
his family was athletes two generations bacK
hearty farm boyS
i was the weirdO
with acne so bad one bitch asked me one day "whats wrong with your facE?"
so i went to college and was still painfully shy and awkward and that appealed to a girl or twO.
community college of philadelphiA
a two year school i spent 3 and one half years attendinG
where i worked out all the things you are supposed to get a handle on in high schooL
mr late bloomeR
when that ended due to academic probation, i was only allowed to take classes that directly led to a degree, i dropped out and started my bukowskiesqe drunkenwaitering phasE
the phase of the horrifying questionS
my best bud asked onE
after a night in wildwood and extreme drinkinG
my get high buddy, my video game partner, he wanted morE
"what would you do," he asked, in the middle of a particularly brutal hangover on the way home to philly, "waht would you do if one of your closest friend in the world"
UH OH
"told you that he was gay?"
well i sure wouldnt suck his weiner was my instant response, unuttered, instead i opted for total silence all the way home....
question two was post coitaL
a lovely time for revelationS
like i did when i had my cherry popped by one of the secretaries that shared an office with my dad at the schooL
i told her, "youre number one" several times and she didnt know where i was going with that statemenT
mr smootH
anyway, post-coital, she was a waitress, i was the drunken waiter, she asks horrible question number twO
"what would you say if i told you i was borderline mentally retardeD?"
OY
i lefT
mr smooth rides agaiN.
anyway, mr smooth went away to another college and tended some bar and eventually had a modicum of game that he could spiT
in certain situationS
and mr smooth had his heart shredded twice and became more and more warY
skittish eveN
like the android says to harrison ford on the roof in blade runneR
"quite and experience to live in fear, isn't iT"
fear of human contact because that brings obligations and paiN.
and thats cool i guess, call me when you want a pair of hands to help you movE
call me when you want to go out for a feW
im friend litE
half the obligations and responsibilities of a true frienD
i have two or three of theM
i also have a good half dozen scattered across the country that could be reactivated due to proximity i thinK
and some of them i never talk to but i know how to get to them when its code reD
but this whole notion of woman as friend is problematic for mE
because of the possibility of the luxury upgrade that exists and lurks beneath the surface of conversationS
especially when one of the friends is gods gift to men, as i was once gods gift to womaN
so one of these problematic women called me on friday nite latE
the one from 20 years agO
a gentle soul, but troubled and in trouble and needing helP
needing a mans helP
specifically this mans helP
the problems are not mine to share, that is her story, but she needed me to come up big and i failed her in her time of neeD
i was sympathetic, but not moved to actioN
it didnt seem like my set of problemS
it also seemed like a stretch of my friendship lite positioN
the action required was heroiC
MR SMOOTH TO THE RESCUE
mr smooth aint in the rescue businesS
it felt like family business and i have always been on the outside of that dynamiC
it felt like a friendship upgrade, but was probably just a friend in crisis, but the permutations and possibilities were all about a future as her GO TO GUY
that aint mE
im selfish i guesS
frightened of the dramatic possibilitieS
a shitty frienD
but i think my role was defined a little clearer to us both by my inactioN
the see-saw of neediness tipped her way and she needed a shoulder to cry on and man to be around and do manly things, but im not that man for her and sometimes reality is a bitcH
im good at pretending to be a real persoN
i fool alot of peoplE
but im an alieN
a strange dude in a strange world and no grok to go arounD
no grok anywherE
groklesS
karmically i know i am doomed noW
but to make up for it a little i am telling the world what an asshole i aM

warning, i am an assholE

an asshole who folded the laundry i found in the dryer when i went to use it because it seemed like the right thing to do when you share a roof with twelve strangers in a shitty little rathole in south philly on a cold snowy eveninG
you define your humanity by your interactions with other humanS
it seems to her like i hurt her badly, but in the long run, i was only going to let her down a lot worse somewhere down the linE
i know it because she wanted to know if i loved her one night at two thirty in the AM two months agO
and she waited on the line as i avoided answering the question for forty minutes or so and kept at me until i said those word just so i could get some sleep or because she wanted me too or because i do a little or whatever, it was uncomfortable, a police interrogatioN
"SAY IT"
slap
whimper
"SAY IT"
"OOF"
sob
"hold on, hold on, hold on," says the good love cop, grabbing the bad love cops arm in the interrogation room at love cop centraL
"you see, we KNOW, and my partner is just a little anxious to get your three word confession on paper so that he can start building sandcastles of hope on the beach of love"
"But..."
"Its low tide, his favorite time for construction, and he wants to get out to the beach while it is still sunny..."
"um but you see..."
"i cant hold him back forever, just say it and let him try out that new bucket and shovel he won as love cop of the year last year"
"but the tide..."
"i know that and you now that, but he doesn't, the big lug, and he punches hard doesnt he?"
"but if im battered now into love submission, who is to say what awful weapons he will use next time, as the sandcastle erodes into oblivion, hope destoyed by very wave, bitterness building towards an awful climax"
"the tide might not come in tho, havent you heard of global warming? and you might catch bird flu, or a meteor might strike and wipe us out like the dinaosaurs"
"LEMME AT THAT PUKEY PUNK, I'LL EVISCERATE 'EM!"
"i cant hold him back much longer, why dont you just say it and then file a counter suit claiming coersion in love court later, get a good lawyer..."
"but i hate lawyers, they're worse than a case of poison ivy on the genitals, and i know, i caught that twice and had to live in a bathrobe, but thats a different story and this confessional is over, just remember this kids, i am an asshole, not to be trusted with love or money, and if i wasn't mildly amusing i would be an utter loner instead of a socialized functional one like i am now"
"What?"
"WHAT?"

fade to black

finis

a cautionary tale
the true to life actual email to an actual person who actually made the mistake of lending me money to play poker when i was dead broke
and then i won
and i will pay him, one way or another
eventually
but i need to get on my feet first
and im still bum like in my bankroll
and i need the breathing room that 300 bucks gives me in my pocket
the potential it represents as cash to spend on a date or on running shoes or exotic greenery which to ignite and inhale and enjoy
someone suggested once that i post an email i sent them
and i still may do that
but here it is the first ever actual
the debut of my newest feature
emails from an asshole
volume one


TO: XXXXXXXX
Subject: i won

but......

my gas has been off for a while and im looking forward
to the hot water that 400 of the winning dollars will
provide
and i owed a guy 200 who was playing in the tournie
that day
first place was 1072
ill send you back the 130 in a check
which means im sitting on 342 in "adjusted gross
profits"
if you want a second check for 171 thats not a problem

but i have a better idea

why dont you take a few minutes and look at my blog
www.imbakeowski.blogspot.com

start from the beginning

september 12 i think
then why dont you start representing me as my agent
some of the ideas are funny and could be developed
and some of it reads like a phone book
tell me what you think and also tell me whether or not
i should start writing about
you know who and you know what
i think i aint gonna do that
because thats someone elses story
but
i would like your input as a member of the publishing
industry
and isnt an agents fee on my vast potential as the new
drunken asshole writer alot more potential filled than
the 171 that my accountant says you are due?
so email me your druthers
become my agent or take the money

i could also send you a series of post dated checks,
100 a month for the next four months
with the last one a balloon payment of 106
130 + 100(1/06) + 100(2/06) + 100(3/06) + 106(4/06)
for a total of half before adjusted groass profits are
taken into account since that was the oral agreement
and no worries

send me an email confirming your understanding of
"half"
also include your address so i can send you back the
130

being a bum without hot water or heat is not as
glamorous as it sounds on my blog
so i had to pay them guys off
and dude was right there so i had to pay him his 200
you are family so you can chill for a minute of two
right?
AND THANKS ALOT FOR THE LOAN!
YOU WILL BE PAID BACK ONE WAY OR ANOTHER EVENTUALLY!
pick your way get back at me and enjoy my blog
see you at xmas
kiss the wife for me
xxx
ooo

as an early christmas present to myself ima stoppa the drinkee for a bit
anyone can do a new years resolution
im doing a december to remember
if i cant sleep ill read or write
give my liver a little break
try to lose a little of the puffiness in my face that tells the world im well acquianted with fermented malt beverages
akwainted
ackwieghnted
uhquainted
"uh, queen Ted" said one transgendered fellow to another
bought some running shoes too
this could get interesting
i may be signing a contract at the cute lil school ia subbing at
so i cant sing the job loss blues anymore
positivity breeds more of the same
i bought some nutrition bars and if i can avoid the sugar laden treats in the teachers lounge i should be in the midst of a radical body redesign by the new year
so look out lonely lovelies
i can help you with your empty bed
i can make you smile
and stuff
oh yes indeedy
dont forget the stuffing
i love stuffing
mmmmmm
my self imposed teacher time out is over
i thought about what i did
i did the time
i looked around the world and discovered that the world didnt want me to do anything else
i asked everyone i knew for a job and finally got one that actually suits me
and im wearing ties again
taking one more stab at bean da man
of course this means my little web log becomes boring
ill try to remeber what pain means in my next effort
pain is so much more entertaining than self actualization
no one wants to hear the story of the lottery winner after the win,
unless he does something really really stupid
but if anything this proves my bi-polarity to the world
admissible in court
delusions
psychopathic tendencies
a true sociopath by night
a responsible adult by day
so i guess this is dawn then
4;41 AM and i sat up in bed an hour ago knowing sleeping was done
my brain was on
and when my brain is on, sleep is impossible
too many thoughts swirling
things to do
so off with this machine
and on with my suddenly interesting existence
thats really boring to fans of the psychotic