the roof is the only inhabitable part of my apartment when the temp hits 90
up there with a beer and the breezes
the only things missing are a blaket and a honey
who will be my honey
who wants to do it on my roof
looking out over the city as if we own it
maybe we will split a bottle of wine up there
we cant hang out inside my furnace of a tiny shitbox
so its my roof or your place
unless i find an airconditioner
and burn dinosaurs for my comfort
like the assholes who drive hummers

why not let them feel the burn?
not just at the gas pumps
torch a hummerlike those french kids did
when they took to the streets
100s of cars a nite
mother nature will sing your praises

but our top story is
who will i bone on my roof?

wedge heels and a nike tee
she confused me as she climbed in the bus
sporty yet unbalanced?
she deserved a second look

then i was wondering what she sat in
her left cheek had a half dollar sized beige stain
on black
she sat in something
not my lap though

further i was pretty sure she was rocking a thong
just a thin layer of material between her and the world
i was intrigued
bell-bottomy things
she carried a leather jacket
im sure she is too stylish for me

shes into a textbook now
and the accompanying workbook
she scribbles in it after thoughtful reflection
shes going places
a serious student

im sneaking snorts from my flask
writing this poem about her
if you can call this that

wondering if i have enough to go on
shes cute as hell
no ring
if i could only seperate myself from the herd
impress her on this bus ride

i take another snort
im not feeling especially impressive

fine bone structure
i cant stop sneaking peeks
i want to tell her but im not in that place
the zone
the garrolus asshole
the everybodies pal rol
that i can pull off in my sleep

im shy guy

so i write a note
i rip it out of my book
and fold it nice as we approach philly
im out of widsor
i try to craft my line
what can i say

inspiration fails
i watch her wrestle with her luggage
the wheels had a mind of their own
i wished i could save her but im paralyzed

holding a folded up note in my hand
silent in my dorkiness
comfortable there
but wanting more

words fail me
i watch her catch a cab and walk away

poem, unread in my book

she should read it
the poem about her red bra strap

i wait at the corner
longshot player
i tell myself
if the window is open ill hand her the note
yeah
shes in school
she'll dig this third grade love styling
yeah
im a player again
as i throw the note in the cab window which is magically open
karmically open
i throw the note and quickly cross the street

another successful romance
a perfect romance
all i got is hope
but what more do i need?

yeah baybee
im in the show!!!!!

it would be hilarious if i won the pokerstars blogger tourney
what a hoot

even better fun to learn to write web pages
yeah bi-atch, thats a link

all part of my learning curve

and then from there on to the world series of poker
thats a book that writes itself
and another link, (darn im good)
for now i must focus
jedi like on my goals

learn web shit so i can work from home and win free money online
they are giving away 37 grand worth of shit

why not take a shot at it?
why not sell out
thus the little ad on my spot
and let me tell you a secret
if you are really, really high
and really really drunk

do not

i repeat

do not
log onto pokerstars and play

even if you win for a few minutes there
and are invincible
say, you are up 400 dollars in ten minutes
do not open up two more tables
and put 500 bucks in play on each
for a total of 1700 in play
dont do it

because you might lose it all and have to find a job

because maybe you arent invincible at the poker table when drunk off your ass and smoking some high grade cheeba

im just telling you as a friend
woring is for suckers

i have my little nest egg building again
soon ill take my baby bird embryo holder to the casinos and play live again
if i get a new bank account maybe it will be more pokerstars for me
right now my bank sorta is looking for me
something about bounced checks
i was expecting that fat 1177 tax refund
and then the bastards at student loans stole it from me
and it ruined my financial picture almost as much as that disatrous evening on pokerstars

hmmm
counting that loss to uncle sam
that makes three times this year i lost more than a thousand dollars gambling in one session
the first time,
at least i was working
so i could handle it
aces full is a great hand
i can take it
the second time was just stupid
and ended my career as an online pro for a while
the third time was the gamble that the student loan people were too dumb to catch me
live and learn

I have registered to play in the PokerStars World Blogger Championship of Online Poker!

This Online Poker Tournament is a No Limit Texas Holdem event exclusive to Bloggers.

Registration code: 7330476

the girl down stairs saw me doing laundry and stated
"you need a woman"
i like the way she thinks
because she "keeps it real" we were soon discussing pussy
as she put it
"it really don matter what she looks like either,
as long as shes got all the parts"
i agreed
the things women will do to get me to notice them
the inevitablity of it
me coming home frisky
her on the steps and puffing away on a blunt
we share
i ask her if shed rather sit in a chair and smoke
listen to music and have a drink
ill but a bottle of hennessey
and a bottle of alise'
we drink an incredible hilk or two
i tell her that when she calls me mr baker all the time it makes me feel ugly
she is curious
i explain that it makes me feel old and unsexy
mr may as well be the words old ma
at least call me old head
and then its her turn
see what she says
as she storms out
slamming the door
that door is always losing screws anyway
or maybe she will let me holla at her a while

she is a perpetual motion machine
physics be damned
maybe science wasnt her subject
the impossiblity of her existence is denied three to five times a week , depending on who is playing
as soon as the notes hit the air she is bouncing, swaying and all out jamming to the tune
long, straight, dirty blonde hair on a head that doesnt stop bobbing to the beat and continually swivels, scanning the room for other fun-seekers
when she spots one her face toothily expands in glee and she will boogie on over for a quick hug and kiss
it is a true measue of your status in how she greets you
a squeak is right in the middle of the range
she is constantly squeaking hellos
another reason to hate the oil business as her squeaks are ear heaven
the high end of the scale starts with the hug/kiss combo
followed sinuously by her rubbing her backside against you in a private little dance of pure joy which welcomes you to her party
it is clearly her party
a half shirt exposing the peirced navel in the dead of wiinter tells you of her committment
undeniably one of the sweetest little flowers in this small garden called grape street in manayunk

man i miss seeing this chick
i think she went on to booking bands on south street
she probably now owns an agency or something
maybe she'll hire me
eventually someone will
youd think

temping in iraq
if im going to be a temp
i should be the best i can be
chase the gold ring
the first 80 K is tax free
eighty thousand filthy lucre
im gettin a chubby
and i aint on a bus
iraq here i come

a principal told me an interesting fact

they look at third grade reading levels
too see how many jail cells to build

takes about ten years to get them up with all the not in my back yard stuff and the politics and whatever
then they are ready to be tried as an adult
arizona is ready for a building surge
based on how they write
based on the stuff ive had to endure for filthy lucre lately
ahh filthy lucre
im salivating
it sits in my freezer
with the an uncashed check
im in no rush to spend it
because when its gone i have to suffer again
bathe again
commute again
my temp agency will call back
or i may apply for another job on craigs list
part of me wants to take my rent money to a poker game
it seems like a good idea
to be paid for my brain and my patience
instead of for what some boss would have me do
be my own boss
the downside is that my landlord
or my apartment boss
wont like it
he needs his filthy lucre to buy moer crumbling apartments
to live his monopoly knockoff life
the assholes who own the wires and pollute the air with mercury tainted coal which poisons all the streams in PA want me to pay them their filthy lucre
to thank them for the devestation
thanks for the acid rain too
coal is cool
mmm
yummy coal

i did have some upliftin moments on my roof the past monday though
big rain clouds were headed north
miles hi
a plane dissappeared into the middle of one like a jack slowly sinking into a can of white paint
neil the margarita man did a good job on me that nite
slowly making my way home
when i noticed the clouds thru my oblivion
a giant face on one end, white at the top, lotsa orangy puffinesss and then way at the bottom dark grey, heavy with water
i had to stop and sit, slackjawed
these were the clouds that dumped record floods on parts of new england but they sure were pretty
is this one of those moments where i must realize that there is good all around and that i just need to focus on the more uplifting things and forget about the shit?
how do you do that when theres shit all over?
do i become a shit afficianado?
a shittianado?
yes i specialize in diahreahheal blast emergence patterns on fine porcelan
should you spatter a toilet in an artistic way please take a cell phone picture of it before you do anything
i sold one with the blessed mother mary appearing amid the flecks on ebay for 20,000 just last week
its an emerging market and the best thing is that every one is an artist
like with this blogging
who really cares what comes out of an asshole?
leave comments now

hung way over
off the cosmic vibe
my bus catching karma a half block off
i missed two city busses by this margin
need to get downtown in a half hour
ususally no problem
but there is a fog i must negotiate
a mental one
arriving minutes late for the bus back to the farm
i have to take the long way

i was drinking with a dude who just got back from the desert
lost 35 pounds
no drinking allowed
so the liqour was copious
my stomach isnt liking this bus ride

i try to sleep
balling my flannel shirt up as a pillow
i cannot

40 more minutes on this bouncy bus are going to be a real test of my esophagus
each bounce enticing my stomachs contents to rise
rise and be free
i need a distraction in the worst way
i cant read, motion sickness is right there
taunting me

i find my distraction when i flip to the rear of the paper
and theres women in bikinis
your place or theirs
100 for 45 minutes
and the thought is pleasant
so i keep thinking it
the rythym of the bus is in no way unwelcome at this point in my reverie
the bouncing and bumping
are working for me know

not to many people on the bus
no one with a direct line of sight ontop my lap
my fly is suddenly down
waiting for the next bounce
i heard about perverts on the subway in japan and new york
this is a public transportation rite of passage
a new step in bold sexiness
a new level of depravity

probably not a new hobby
probably

just another thing to add to my lengthy list of acheivements in life

sure made me forget my nausea
and if i carry my flannel shirt you cant see the wet spot on my pant leg
the fog is gone too
replaced with a sense of hilarity
tinged by righteous accomplishment
and joy at being alive
so alive

i got friends that i havent seen in years
and we will pick up the conversation and silliness right where we left off
in miami, kentucky, las vegas and san diego and pittsburg
i have associates in several more cities
offers of couches and guest cottages
and the rugby community all over the place
so why do i live in a stifling rathole?
choice baybee
freewill
if i were to crank up the writing business
do it more regular like
id need new material
my philly material is not yet gone
i just cant get to it right now
and i need to finish this city before i go on the road forever
a wandering nomad
going from couch to couch
rugby event to rugby event
poker event to poker event
open mike nites, why not?
speading the joy
dissappearing into the cracks

ahhh, dissappearing into a crack again would be nice
a warm pink crack
disappearing, then reapperaing a few hundred times
then taking a nap and doing it again

soon ill take this act on the road
coming soon to a pig roast near you

the last thing i want to do after sitting at a computer screen for seven and one half hours is to come home and sit in front of mine

aversion thereapy

im afraid of my computer now

i douse it with holy water and pelt it with cloves of garlic from across the room
whilst averting my eyes

the MAN is trying to turn me into a data analysis interface
and to optimize my performance with handy charts
the data monitoring team printed out a 4140 which showed that i turned into mental jelly after lunch
250 what i did on my summer vacation essays written by thrid graders will do that to your brain
when the jelly starts leaking from your ears its time to take a break
splash some water on your face
whack off
by lunchtime most days everyones eyes are glazing over
after luucnh you begin to smell the stench of brains rotting in their skulls
brain sushi
gone bad
by four we barely hit the keys at all
drool coming from the corners of our mouths
insane giggling from all quarters
gibbering idiocy

some motherfucker is going to be walking down the street towards me someday soon
and he will be savagely attacked
ill see his sea world shirt
featuring shamu
and it will trigger three thousand essays worth of pent up rage
theyll clear me too
ill put other test scorers on the stand at my trial
ask a few perfunctory questions
then ask the witness

"how do you feel about shamu?"
"would the jury please note the witnesses developing facial tics"
"do you think shamu is AMAZING?"
"that disney land is the HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH?"
"what about lego-land?"
"the jurassic park ride where the dinosaur head tries to EAT THE RIDE?"

that should push anyone over the edge
once they see two or three of us victims go over the edge we can start talking punitive damages
the saddest thing is that these kids are quoting commercials in their essays
the process of brain wiring is begun
setting up their associative processes in the pleasure and pain sectors
soon they will get it
their freakish childlike wonder at the beauty and simplicity of nature and the love of family and puppies
replaced
by commodities that can be bought and sold
love measured by the amount spent
not time together
the amwerican way
mommies gotta work baybee so you can get your ipod

so you too can
shut out the world
become more isolated
more individual, fragmented
divide and conquer baybee
we have just the jeans for you to show the world how individual you are
to hell with community
that word is almost communism man
what are ya?
an enemy of the state?

weave your own electronic cocoon of game cubes and playstations
develop the same instincts as the rest of your generation
the same tastes
all the better that we can market to you
from the makers of grand theft auto
a game so RADICAL and so expensive
that
you mommy will show her love and guilt by buying it for you
or you should teach the bitch a lesson
like in the game
remember the game johnny

level seven
left, down, right, up, down, "b" ,"b", down ,right, right

just hit that code on your gameboy will show you a mothers love
thats the cheat code to ecstacy man
stay tuned for the cheat code to heaven

and of course you know that you should never shoot anyone
that would be wrong
this is just a game
human life is sacred
you only get three a game
unless you have the cheat code

and theres the million dollar idea
a video game where if you die you are done
game over
its called sacred life
you only get one life
when you die you can buy back in but you will be judged from your actions
maybe you come back in purgatory a tortured soul
or maybe in heaven, with tupac, biggie and old dirty bastard
or in hell with elvis and john wayne
or in heaven with the 48 virgins like the dudes who piloted the planes are enjoying right now
heres another virgin for you mr attawa
nice job
thanks mohammed!

inhabiting cubicle hell
i assess the knowledge of arizonas sixth graders
on a scale of one to six
three hundred or more a day

three hundred glimpses into their lives

three hundred vacation snapshots
what i did on my summer vacation

one kid said he was too poor to have fun
remembers his dad when he was nine or ten

thinks life sucks

sounds like hes read my blog
wise beyond his years
ahead of the power curve

maybe he will start the next great philosophical movement
suckyism

my balls felt odd

for the first time in days they werent getting stuck under the elastic on the leg of my drawers
as i shifted at work in my drone chair
robotically and subtly i went for an adjustment
us robots have to stay on task
we have to meet certain quotas

so just like in the will smith movie about the robot i did what robots do
kept working
dealt with the problem
and came up with stinky fingers
cheesy even

im not a smelly
usually
this time i was
usually its three days before a shower is mandatory
i guess summer is back
and the biking to work
and i have cheesy ball syndrome
that mixture of ball sweat and ball sweat and old ball sweat
from the gonads
oh nelly

i once sat next to an old man who looked like kenny rogers
at a bar in boyertown
iezzis
he adjusted his balls surrepticiously
i was suspicious of old homos so i watched as he sniffed his hand
and then the waft
the cheesy badness
the nasty old man ball smell overwhelmed me

so now i know why the dude on my left at work got up
after i adjusted my balls at work
the hottie on my right
may have been too polite to do so
or she thought it was her that stank

maybe ill shower every day for a while

mondays are half price maragaritas at the copa on south street
3 weeks in a row for me
its an instant tradition
the barman is an irish bloke named neal
full of youth and vigor
entertaining stories rendered with authentic inflections from the motherland
not sure how many irishmen make better margaritas?

that should be a city-wide contest
which irish barkeep makes the tastiest margaritas?
neil wants people to vote for him for best bartender in the city papers annual contest
he feels pressure from sugar moms where the give you free beer to stuff the ballot box in different handwriting and with different writing utensils all afternoon
hes fine with that
the beer is free

i was pedalling home when i realized that the margaritas
were all actually doubles
that was why my bike was having so much trouble
that was why this morning at work was so hazy
all neils fault

tuesdays i think ill try the standup again
over at limelight
got to plan my life out if im a working man
so i dont become boring to myself

wednesdays i like to keep clear for a special friend who sometimes feels frisky
not in a quite a while
but just in case
i could also try to do the comedy club on south street
maybe tommorrow night
thats a plan there
why the hell not

i catch my reflection and realize
my stash is out of control
face puffy and red
deep canal like circles under my eyes
i aint winning no beauty contests no time soon
sunlight is harsh to ugly people like me
i didnt even get a chance to see if my blue eyes were still sparkly and dnacing to a private joke
i looked away too quickly from my hideous visage

thats why the hottie called me sir
24 and all kinds of smoking
her mother is haitian
her father fillipino/italian
and the mix is divine
so itold her not to call me sir
trying to save some of my pimp game
and she made it worse
called me "mr baker"

i guess she hates the stash too
i suppose i have to become satisfied being a buffoon for her
her court jester
she sits next to me for eight hours a day
in the warehouse we work in
i cant ignore her
she speaks to me on a cellular level

so my cells have got to learn a new language i guess

maybe the married chick who seems to flirt back wants to commit adultry
ill see if she wants to take a walk in the woods with me on break today
she could be suffering thru a crappy marraige
i would be providing a service
and even if shes not carnally motivated by big fat tubs of goo like me
walking in the woods with a hot chick is a step in the right direction


theres always the fat girl who hags on my every word when i flirt with her friend
i could ask her to teach me some polish
i heard her jabbering to another pole in their lingo
repeated the phrase as gutteral and ugly as i had heard it
she thought i spoke the crap
maybe i can entice her into her car for an lunch time blowjob or two
begin to work my way up the food chain
get my legs under me
its a plan

and maybe, just maybe the spanish girl from the high speed line will email me again
this time saying meet me on wednesday
we'll have that drink
it sounds fun
she said she was looking forward to seeing me again
im giving her all the space she needs
the ball is in her court
so the question lingers in the air
clean the house or keep living like a rockstar?
someone is getting pinned to my mattress soon
whos the lucky one?

my debut as a professional rugby player comes tommorrow
paid to play
oh, the shit i can talk now

yeah i was a pro rugby player once

once

i wont emphasize the one time nature

the bizarre twist of reality

that puts me in this position
lets just say that god seems to hate me a little less these days
i have pretty women smiling at me at work

who knows who will be the lucky one
to ride the fornication express
i can smell it
they sense my dynamism

and im no threat at 280

i slip under their hottie radar

then all of a sudden they'll be laughing with me and drunk and naked
thats the new dream
same as the old dream
im coming out of retirement
i will always entertain hotties
its my thing
unless they are, u know, that word
then i blow them off
like they deserve

a sticky face by june is my new motto
lets see how this months dream pans out
the chick from the subway emailed me back
shes missing me too
maybe she needs a smile or two, too
id like to see her in a tutu too
id like to add my one to her and make two, to
id like to tell her that shes way too cute to

its the time of the season
she gives me a reason
her breathin is teasin
her existence is pleasin
saw her said jeez n'
went off non-stop cheesin

cheesin; V. Grinning from ear to ear
like the cat from cheshire. word origin:
smile and say cheese. see also, cheesy.

17 and a half hours on trains and busses last week
the price i pay for fiscal responsibility

i want my life back
i guess i gotta find a scam to pay the bills

one that doesnt aggravate my condition

feel free to post job offers on this website

thankyou and fuckyou

ten bucks discretionary income left after paying my landlord
its decision time

a delicious burger for lunch
or granola again
and a bottle of cheap gin to get me to the weekend

call me a health nut
fatty meat is a no no
my body is a temple
my liver is a much better toxin filter than my intestines
and is in great shape
in top form

paying the price for a year of near-freedom
crappy jobs i dont give a crap about
surviving
now i must "get serious"
go to interviews where i need to wear a tie and not have bloodshot eyes

become a responsible decision-maker again
a team player
i emailed away my resume for my perfect job yesterday
in the pet insurance game
its big in great britain
and poised to take america by storm
parakeet ailing?
kitty coughing?
dog dying?

dont you wish you paid me 10 bucks a month
so we can pay your outrageous pet health care bills
they even said theyd buy me a insurance sales license
oh ya
dream job bay bee
living the dream
making pets lives richer
like i did with my dogs
pawning one off on my brother
with his creek side abode
labs love the water
my brother needs someone to talk to
perfect match

or the chocolate labrador who entertains my parents with his dopic exploits

the new mayor of pikeville
goofy, stinky, earnest
much better are their lives without me
i tend to stay out all night
and tax the pooches bladders or
they cut up their doggie footpads on broken glass
on the cities trashstrewn streets

im dog jesus

did you save a dog today?

the bastards stole my tax refund
student loan
a federal debt
so i need to work
or join the homeless
its nice weather to sleep outside
i can work my way south
when it gets cold
now is the time to go north
follow the spring like temps
o canada

1177 was the amount
direct deposited to my account
thats what the recording said
direct deposited to my account
thats what it said
it even gave the date

so on the day before
after the banks closed
me with 1177 coming
tommorrow
manana'
1177 deposited on april 21st
it was a party on thursday nite
when i cleaned out my account

i owed my bro lotsa cash
so i bought him an ounce
loaned a dude a hundo
me
loaning money
he was a good dude
and i was rolling in it
or so i thought

so im working now
8 days in a row now
a radical change
but it will pay the rent
if he takes it late
and he will
cuz i aint ajunkie
like the ex-tenants on floor one
i got potential
yeah
potential
but sleep is tuff
my brain hates this conditioning
i gotta change my W=2 form
so i get no cash back
for the prick bastard student loan assholes to steal
and find myself a woman

to make me forget how much working sucks