My homiesare having a great time in england
they dont have my doctor
17 litre each
thats impressive
i may have come close to that at a rugby party
beer goes down easy when youve just been all primal
after a victorious hunt
after pillaging the villagers
and i guess wwhne supporting your soccer team
like the micheal jordan of alcoholics you get into "the zone"
pints dissappear down your throat
two or three long gulps
and youre empty
much to the chagrin of whomever was dumb enough to race you
ive never been beated in a chugalug
tied three times against a real beast
but at our level
the stuff blinks away
maybe we need bigger teats
like a quart, say
double the amount
or i could retire undefeated
keep the legend intact
remain a hero for young alcoholics everywhere
antihero maybe
nothiong glamourus about carrying and extra fifty pounds around
so time to reset the alkometer back a few notches
from raging to functional
i dont want to shock my system
risk organ failure
my kidney and liver expect a certain amout each day
ill just cut back
maybe even forgo all hard alcohol for a time
when you can still function and think after a full bottle of vodka you have a tiny problem
one is economic
thats 8 bucks down the drain
that was supposed to be invested in your unconciousness

and maybe as a birthday present to myself
i can be a bit lighter in september when i rock 43 years of life
43 years of staggering mediocrity
43 years of unfulfilled expectations
43 years of dissappointing those who love me with my lw expectations for myslef
they dont get my zen
my least possible effort principle
my efficiency of effort
just do enough to get by
thats the secret
conquer the world tommorrow
entertain yourself today
and if you happen to have to put in a day or two of hard work here and there
remember it
so you can avoid it later
learn from your mistakes
hard work wont kill you
but why risk it?
dont do anything you wouldnt want to die
doing
he died doing what he loved
getting over on the man
ambition is one of those tricks they play on pavlovs dogs

fuck you bitch means i love you
as does
eat shit asshole
and
lose wome weight you fat piece of shit
and
shut the fuck up you drunk bitch
and my favorite
roll me a fucking joint then cocksucker
you learn these things
its all in how they are said
in the way they are said
the pattern of affection is easily distinguishable
under all the colorful language
an elaborate verbal dance
a way of communicating over long distance in a big house
yellling fuck you bitch is cathartic
its how english professors say i love you
its like my brother explained to me about how the roofers talk to one another
theyre dont mean asshole the same way i do when i say it
theyre passing the day
breaking balls
i was ready to rumble
my one day one the roof
them seemed like fighting words to me
they are fighting words on the street
but not on the roof i guess
one of the many one day jobs i had
nothing like the feeling of satisfaction you get when you decide that this job aint for you
the future wont suck as much as this day at work did
the roofers didnt want me back
it was their choice
weird
i guess its all about context
i was out of context on that roof
which was fine by me
a lot of bending and kneeling and sun sun sun
ill find the proper context for myself sometime
maybe on a commune in canada
i could become the hydroponic gardeners assistant
up there in british columbia
fast becoming the amsterdam of north america
become and expert on different strains and what there properties were
do a doctoral thesis on cannibis
do consultations
ok you are hi string and a type a pesonality im gonna reccommend this super skunk to you
itll mellow out your meglomania and basically paralyze your brain for three hours
trust me you need it
go veg out
you shy type
im thinking this sativa will make your verbal gifts come thru
you will be eloquent and funny and write a shitload of terrifyingly sensitive poetry if you smoke this alone
you can sell the poems to jewel
and so on
yeah
context here i come

my blood pressure was 220/115
kinda high
ive been off my medication for a few weeks
but the lord wasnt ready for me
it wasnt stroke time for the idiot
the doctor asked how much i was drinking
i said four bottles a week
she gasped when i said litres
not quite rockstar level
but closing the gap
ive been filtering really cheap vodka with my water filter
i run it through twice
it really smooths out the chemical highlights
doc seemed to think that was too much
asked if i was trying to commit suicide slowly
duh
arent we all?
every time you fire up you car you are dooming the planet
my immolation is just more personal is all
doc said with the money i paid for booze,
i could afford the high priced pills
yeah
i want to live a long and sober life
soak up every second of gods precious gift to me
unfiltered
in awe of the beauty that surrounds us all
the angels songs
be a productive member of society
volunteer
help my fellow man
ill help alright
im helping by not teaching people to read
the more you read the more you learn about what total shitheads are doing to ruin the garden of eden
the more you read
the more unhappy you become
each year i read of new genocides and species devestations
the coral are dying
the frogs are dying
another day another ten thousand starving infants
i guess i should stalk my teachers
to thank them
properly
for these gifts
ill need some duct tape
ignorance is bliss
burn a book today

all i need is a little help every now and then

just dont hold me back is all

dont work with me if you dont understand

and if you dont understand,
dont act against my interests
at least ask
dont be sure you know where im going with something
or assume you know
ask
i will tell
i dont even know the direction
but i have inklings

little funny notions about the way the world could work
not the whole world
just my tiny corner

i tackled global problems when i taught and lost
wont fall into that rap
the fighting other peoples wars mess

i tried to help
i really did
but here was a real "drop in the bucket" feeling at the end of successful days
and a real feeling of being drowning in a portapotty on most
you think you want to float
so you grab onto a floating mass of toilet paper
topped with all manner of offal
and its a little less disgusting than going under in the blue nasty urine anti bacteria deoderant water
just a little less disgusting by a fraction
and maybe the next person to sit down will hear your cries for a ladder
the trick to teaching is to spread the excitement
and nurture it
and if you are always the most excited person in the room you are doing something wrong
i know i got them stirred up quite a few times
and got quite a few of them thinking
and gave quite a few of them something to think about
and maybe even touched a few lives forever
like robert johnson a writing student and member of my softball team
a quiet kid
trying to stay cool with the kids in class
the wanna be gangsters, pimps, drug lords and rappers hoochie mamas
but also trying to stay cool with his grandparents who are raising him and insist he do well in school
so he has to listen to you
but also has to listen to the streets if hes going to survive
walking a tightrope of cool
he taught me to chill out
and how to approach some of his more "thugged out" associates
and hes going to do fine
doing fine walking the line
robert johnson who is probably making more money than i am right now
so he tells me one day late in his career
mr baker
dont take this the wrong way
but youre my nigga
with the a
so its not the unutterable lose your job word
does his testimony at my trail then allow me to use that word?
i need to talk to a lawyer
anyway

dont slow me down
work with me or stay out of my way
dont let your feeble understanding of the world become sand in my lube
funking up the machinery
im taking on the world in a small way
you could have been part of the team
now you are in the rearview
with the rest of the losers that slowed me down
ill tell you how i am going to fuck you over if you just ask me
and hell, you might like it
i have a very developed ability to see the worst case scenario
and loads of experience fucking shit up
i also can see an upside
and thats my focus for a bit
this money they send me in the mail for being unemployed is my version of a "genius grant"
ill make the most of it
and if "suitable employment" should materialize
i shall pursue it
if i find it suitable
im not forced to take another shitty job at least for 24 weeks
24 weeks of heaven
living the dream baybee
living the dream
living among my thoughts
trying to figure this shit out
finding my angle
my hustle
my raison d'etre
will 24 weeks be enough
we shall see
we shall see

there it was
the BIG hummer
dropping the VIP off right up front
shiny, manly, rugged, studly
machimo in vehicle from
everyone at the dollar store was impressed
i guess its getting pretty expensive to drive those things
maybe that will be the new promotion
buy a hummer
get 50 percent off at the dolla store for the first year

blood on the toilet paper as i wipe my ass creates a dilemma

if you paid attention to war movies
you know

feces contaminates the blood
then you die

but what of the fecal remnants?

so you plan to spend the day stinky
smelling like a hobo
a warm comfy state of being
dont sit next to me on the bus today

i been watching the world cup on univision
en vivo
live
im learning spanish too
what can i say about the estados unidas soccer team except to quote the announcers
mui mal
they just dont have the skills that others have
while i have seen standout players on many teams
dudes that just take balls from people and score
dudes that dances all around the ball and catch people lookin
or work around 1,2, 3, 4 people before making the perfect pass
they aint wearing our colors
we dont even run down long crosses or chips
we didnt even chase two today
less than five mis left
down one
we need a win to advance
and we are still making passes
why not take the point blank shot
and hope for a good result?
our guy sort of jogs at the keeper
dude on other teams sprint at him
and jump to try to deflect his long kick
it may only work once in fifty times
but when it does
you score
our guys seemed flatfooted
waiting to receive passes
we only scored on in three games
italy was nice enough to score one for us in our tie
gotta shoot to win
cheer for ghana
they kicked our butts today
seemed to want it more
like it meant more
like they had national pride
and they have some scary fast dudes on the team
or cheer for brazil
they both have the highest proportion of fans packed
toomanytoaroom
huddled around the town tv
sweating their balls off
stinking
starving
having hope for a change in nasty brutish and short lives
in ghana they are asking the gold mines to shut down
cuz every tv is gonna be on
every radio
and they dont want to short out the country
so cheer for the poor fucks
not for the rich fucks in the stands
how does someone from ghana make it to germany for the cup?
by raping the counntries national resources
and stepping on the poor
how many cops you think they had following around the iranian team
or the iranian fans in the stands
with iranian flags painted on their faces
we should have played them for iraq
winner takes all
loser goes home

theres a job opening at a shady biz in town
my boy dave was hired there
he makes sure the escorts get paid
i guess he calls people and makes sure the hookers,
i mean escorts were professional
so hes a pimps assistant or something
so that sounded interesting
so i shot them the following email with one of my resumes
subject line
"the perfect applicant?
they havent called yet for some strange reason



Hello,
I'm getting tired of temping and am excited by the
possibility of the promise of "career advancement
opportunities"
I am probably overqualified for this position, but I
need to get out of my apartment and have no ego when
it comes to work. Just tell me what to do and when to
be there. I have no problem doing simple repetitive
tasks with high efficiency because I am just wired
that way. It doesnt even matter to me if the boss is
a jerk. I am so water rolling off a ducks behind, so
very chill, mellow and easy to get along with that
offices run better when I am in them, people smile
more, I ain't kidding.
I think you may have been the folks that hired a temp
freind of mine from Kelly services. Ask him about
harry, he should tell you to hire me immediately.
Oh, and if you fired DAVE gersons slacker behingd, I
never really liked him anyway.
Well, I hope you call me.
Best time is early in the morning before I tie up my
phone line all day with my internet job hunts.
Also please keep my resume on file, I know that in a
creative business as touted by your web page that you
have room for me somewhere in your 350 member staff.
I will make my next bosses very happy and successful.

William Baker
bakeowski@yahoo.com
215-463-2142

After teaching for a twelve years in inner-city
Philadelphia schools, I am seeking job that utilizes
the supervisory and management skills I honed doing
such work. In those years I was required to be
collegial with every department in the building in
order to receive timely services, as well as the day
to day supervision and motivation of up to 180 young
adults. Massive amounts of paper work are routine
for me and I survived, and even thrived in chaotic
environments, and am quite confident that I can handle
anything that comes my way.

Education: Temple University, 1993 magna cum laude,
Elementary Education.

Other related work experiences;

 worked at TGIF for six years, their motto is
“if there’s time to lean, there’s time to clean”
this company gets a lot out of their employees by
micromanaging, and I learned a lot from the
many managers I served under. I was offered
management training and declined to finish school

 trained waiters and bartenders for TGIF in my
role as In-store Trainer, invented drinks

 opened engine 46 steakhouse, trained
barstaff, ordered liquor, dealt with salesmen

 was a floor manager at the Philadelphia Stock
exchange during a break from teaching



Work experience

 TGI Fridays 1986-1994 , Alexandria Virginia
and City Ave, Philadelphia
 Engine 46 steak house-bar manager/bartender
1995, a summer job that blossomed
 Philadelphia School District 1993-2005
> ABN AMRO sage, Phila. stock exchange
2002

References

Robert Hardy office manager ABN AMRO sage
corp.

Wendy Walsh- owner Engine 46 steak house

so basically i expect the phone to reing really soonly
i missed the spelling errors in the email
but they cant care with this solid a rezzie now can they?
i know i have the skill set to be a pimps assistant
"yeah this is bill baker for sleazcorp billing department
seems you didnt pay oral annie for her services?
well, yes she does have a penis
but her skill set is clearly listed in our online ad
oh you thought tv meant you had a chance to be on television
natural mistake
well we did tape you
and annie does have a penis
so unless you want to be the star of your own website
ACCIDENTALLY GAY
where straights dude get surprised by hot trannies and transvestites
yeah
thats what TV stands for in our business
so when can i expect your payment
very good sir
and would you like another visit with annie
well andy really
for 20 percent off?
ok thats for tuesday then?
andy will see you then about 1230
thanks for shopping sleazeco"

when they're not raping exotic dancers the fine people at duke university are studying poison ivy
they say the extra carbon dioxide in the air makes the plant grow more vigorously
and oilier

i have tangled with the noxious weed many a time
the farm is loaded with the shit
its a perennial
i piss on the leaves to show it who is boss
they shrivel from the salt
i repeat applications and feel the power of being on a death trip
heady stuff
and once again man dominates his world
temporarily

my old way to battle the inevitable summer plague was
scratching my skin raw and then putting bleach on top
may not have made it heal any faster
but it sure stops itching for a while

i have evolved to the point now where i will not give into the maddening itch
on principle
im on top of the food chain
not some plant
i wont have a plant making decisions about how i spend my evenings
when it gets too bad i take an all hot shower
burn the blisters
but ive been lucky lately

on my graduation party i took a blanket down by the creek with my girlfriend faith
it was just me, faith, my drunk ass brother
joe hayes is a dead racist wrestler i used to hang out with in highschool
he had a dog named after an epithet that will get you fired from your teaching job
he killed himself when he couldnt handle being gay anymore

bombed to the gills
as you would expect from 5 kids on a quarter keg
i walked faith creekside
to make my moves
it was hell putting a rubber on in the dark but i manged to after breaking one

i dont know why i bothered
i never got the hang of popping faiths cherry
we tried
awkward teen love
she mentioned something to me about the size
i guess i have a fat one
ive since learned to use it
and there was a time in my bartending days when my nickname was "girthman"
but thats a different story

after rolling around and poking and poking and more poking from various angles humiliation finally got the upper hand
at least i could pretend i got laid when she left
why wouldnt i have
it was plausible

so i rolled to work the next afternoon. a little green in the gills
i stopped once to puke out the car door on the way
and i was washing away at the restaurant when i started feeling itchy
down there

i spent the next three days in a bathrobe after showing doctor cappa the worst case of poison ivy he had ever seen
from my belly down i was a mass of angry red blisters
some looked like tapioca pearls
nasty translucent ropes
boiling skin
these stripes of fun were where i was skin to leaf
some would pop and ooze foul warmth on me

nothing like poison ivy in the middle of june
the sweat trickles down
you dont know if its a poison ivy tingle or sweat
and the sweat can spread the oil around
aint that grand

many people learn from their mistakes
not me
ten years later i repeated the trick at a sacred cowboys concert
i missed a rugby game from that case
im pretty much done with fucking in the bushes these days

that oil is nasty shit
it can stay on your clothes and give you blisters days after your seemingly clean getaway
you can get poison ivy from your dog

when i was about nine i got some and decided to miss school the next day
id scratch
then rest my hands on my face
sure enough, the next day i was all puffy
i got over
yeah
pure genius

this wiccan witch i know never gets it
she talks to trees and shit
she says the secret is to eat the first tiny leaf you see in the spring
maybe next year

so be a pussy and let a plant make decisons about how you live your life
or develop your mind to the point where the itching doesnt happen
be a man
but respect this terrorist of the plant kingdom
osama aint got nothing on ivy

i tried to get a writing job via email by writing a fun travel guide to philly
i think ill do more of that shit and keep a separate blog of that type of writing
my showcase for future employers
to prove i can write with punctuation, etc.
to conform, just a little, just this once
a concession to make it easier to hire me
so they dont have to think too much
because im a giver
a helper
i make peoples lives easier
more entertaining
ill be their reality filter
and do all that hard thinking for them
should be easy to think now that my tv committed suicide
i was moving it and it jumped
landed tube down with a crack
now it goes to the curb
where i found it
i must have had enough culture for a bit
more time for me to read and think and blossom

my knee went out as i was vacuuming the pool
felt like it used to back when i had no insurance
so id play rugby and it would seize up on me
the torn ligaments end would catch in the knee socket
then id have to stop for a mintue
and continue a bit less powerfully
so i have had years of experience
in the functioning with a fucked up knee world
i played rugby on it for a year and a half
so i helped my brother load his car for his trip west
up the stairs
down the stairs
airconditioner
weight set
then up the stairs, 3 flights at my shithole
tough love
punishing my weak joint
letting it know that slacking was not allowed

this morning my knee let me know that i was an asshole, kneewise
but pain is life
so this morning was quite lively
a price i gladly pay for being so cool

painting was out of the question
on my feet hobbling around
no way
yes, a day off
nice

my bike was downtown
i rode it to the bus station
the first leg of the trip home for the trip before the big trip
this was also to be some trip home
bike, you see, require you to bend your legs
one of mine was not cooperating
it would get near the top and stop
the angle of ninety brought tears
so i propelled the bike along like a scooter for a couple of SLOW blocks
and kick
and kick and kick

needed a new propulsion system so i started half pedaling with the injured limb
push the pedal to the bottom
back it up to the painful spot
push it another half turn

this was gettin me nowhere
so i sat way backon the seat and tried a full revolution
man did that hurt,

so i did ten in a row and got a block before i had to coast a bit
it reminded me ot the torture machine they hooked me to when i injured this in the first place
post surgery they put me in a thing to move my leg to speed healing
it was called a continous passive motion machine
i was strapped into it
it would bend my knee every minute or so
i ran out of painkillers in two days
it was set wrong
the angle too great, or acute
whatever, it hurt

so i figured out a way to lift my leg off the pedal before the top of the stroke
and put it back on the bottom
i started making some progress then

the only thing i can figure is
one of the screws came out
when i asked my body to heal itself that day

it noticed a cadaver ligament screwed into my left knee
and followed orders like my body always does
that, or knee surgeries onlu last fifteen years or so
then they wear out
and rugby and airconditioners have taken their toll on me
maybe im not a bull anymore
maybe im an ex bull
yet still full of bull
and canadian whiskey
and i cant dance yet but i soon will
i need to build callusses on my weak ass joint
tolerate pain
make demands on my body again
punish the weakness with more exercise
will myself to better walking
im too young to limp
im not that one legged seagull on the beach yet
i could learn to hop i guess
but thats my second option
rght now im icing my knee with frozen broccoli and taking anti inflammatories
see what tommorrow looks like
maybe i can paint on one leg
yeah
i wont focus on the pain when im doing something that sucks ass so badly
thats the plan
time to hop to bed

i have met my share of goddesses and angels
even banged a couple
they understood my sacred mission
my need to dirty them with my seed
to bring them down to earth
knock them off there pedestal
yeah, athena, you're some beauty
but wipe your perfect belly off with a towel or something
or rub it in, whatever

its my gift to you
a testament to your loveliness
a sacrifice upon your altar
billions of my little guys
my life force drying there on the sheet
i guess im a bad aimer

or reluctant daddy
either way

im a mass murderer
and you are my accomplice

want to kill again,
shall we continue on our rampage of death?

poor little zygotes

fixed up a mean smoothie yesterday
ice, organic mango carrot juice, cranberry juice, silken tofu
and a blue stemmed ingredient known to some as the flesh of the gods

i poured it into three glasses and toasted
my brother is out of town this week
maybe forever
we had to have a sacred sendoff

my brother chugged his of course
that is the key to his relocation
a zest for rapid liquid consumption

so i poured him another glass
topped my pops
and had some more for myself

again, quickly consumed by us kids
my dad was sipping and savoring
he refused the last top off
more food for my head then

bill, from up on the hill, was going to be shit out of luck today
he should have answered his phone
when the magic smoothieman called

i decided to take the dog on a walk around the block
waiting for my digestive system to recognize the contents and communicate to my brain that it was time to unlock the shadow world
where everthing is greener
where your thoughts have their own soundtrack
where you understand the language of the birds

a third of the way around the block and the llamas are checking me and the dog out from on top of the hill
we must be old news to them by now
they used to come skipping over
bounce bounce bounce

im smiling as the leaves start to become greener
mother nature is hijacking my brain again
all due to the intervention of a goddess in my life

when i chose a different bar
she just appeared
we fell into a conversation that ive had before
on many different planes and in many different places
just one of those people you get a vibe off
someone raised right
with an unclouded mind
unafraid of a lumbering bearded freak like myself
able to appreciate a fellows humanity
and having the right connections at the right time

the cosmos smiled at me
as the road started bubbling
aztec faces in the macadam
shifting in and out of view
a long line of preists and warriors
biding their time in the tar and gravel
waiting for the cycle to renew
waiting to be unlocked from history

making my way up the last bit of straightaway to my parents farm i am suddenly paranoid
feeling exposed in the sunlight
seeking the shadows cool embrace
perhaps it is due to the fact that my eyes are wide open now
retinas the size of quarters
making the sunlight too strong

i reach the woods and am on sacred ground again
walking thru the field and under a canopy
the birds call me by name
harry, over here
harry, over here
yer the man
yer the man
yer the man
yeah yeah yeah

floating along a winding path
thru what used to be a cornfield
but was reclaimed by mother earth
and has been organic for fifteen years now
i find mushrooms growing in the path and wonder
hmmmmmmmm

i make a note to come back later

my shoes come off and the cool grass welcomes me home
i make it to the picnic table
which is suddenly alive with movement
i can see thru the cracks as they breathe
green, blue and red phosphorent light peeks thru from time to time
i look under the table for the source
it is in the wood itself
now this is getting interesting

i pile the seven sacred stones on the picnic table and marvel at how alive they are
rocks have a long memories
they'll wait us out
they'll out last us
they're patient
they are incredibly lively
each small discoloration dances with the others to their own silent music
melting and flowing
i need to lay down

i see an even more alive sky
the clouds turn into giant snowflake templates
rotating geometrical perfections
a mass of semi-transparent gears in the sky
the machinery of the sky

other clouds wisps turn into elfin faces
or womens curves
every now and then a face or a skull
towering faces
towering boobs
long hips tapering into thighs
and all dancing for me to a soundtrack of conversational snippets
whispers
fragments

i know, or think i know, it is just random neurons firing off
chemical dementia
but it sure seems like the universe is talking about me
and the universe seems to think that im doing ok
even onto something

i hear a power saw from the barn and think
how can this be good
i make my way behing the garden
thru strangely animated trees and vines
the breeze is only doing some of it
the leaves are trying to caress me
i am nature boy
mother natures son
and i love my momma

i climb the steps to the barn and thers my brother in weirdo hippy garb he found in the barn
part of his journey i guess
we chat a bit about journies and his future and his head is right
we decide that the power tools are not a good way to go and light up the one-hitter to activate the godsflesh

my pop sees us and calls
we head over
he wants to know how long this shit lasts
i tell him 2 days
and he says no really

im thirsty and i grab my glass from the kitchen and fill it
it is glowing blue with a bit of foam on top
i guess there was some residue in the glass
and it becomes my trip companion
i can taste the rocks in the water
we have a good well at the farm
and the rocks give the water a tasty timelessness
some pussies buy watersofteners for water like this
i like the rocky goodness
like im drinking of the earth

its a light blue glow in my glass
softer blue than a clear
maybe the blue of my eyes

two hours in now, about halfway and i head upstairs to check on my pop
hes in bed, but not sleeping
seems ok
i sit in the next room
theres a basket ball game coming on and it should be interesting to see shaq pushing people around
but its too far away
i watch a little of RAY and my timing is perfect
hes in rehab
kicking the habit
writhing
hallucinating
music and lights and images that are alien to my own
the clouds are much nicei refill my glow water and go back to cloudland

now they have occaisional grids of red dots intersperced
and the thin neon orange lines of what can only be the framework of the universe
everthing hangs from these lines, but you cant see them for long

i peruse my feet
ankles swollen from my lack of high blood pressure medicine
toes gnarly like a hairless hobbits
i tell my body to heal itself
to fix the ankles and do some ankle twists, both directions
they pop

its starting to get a little chilly and im suddenly starving
i raid the icebox and fix up the best sandwich ever
time for more tube
my dads got blade on
early in the movie at the vampire dance club
techno and writhing demons dancing in blood
the scene lasts forever
my dad says whats that fie in the next room
i go to seits the sunst and its telling me theres a much better show on outside

back to the picnic table for me
with more rock water of course

the sunset is phenomenal
first the trees are afire with golden light
then the clouds
less snowfalkes and faces up there now, but more female bodies
i think that was a nipple
and it makes sense
since clouds are water vapors
and women are 97% water
some hot ass bitches have been sweating and peeing which evaporates and for some reason it is only their watery essenses over this little stretch of land tonight
thanks mama natural!

the clouds above the hill go grey with pinkish highlights in the thin spots from where the tops of the clouds are still bathed in the last bits of sunshine
red on the horizon
blood red
i watch them boil for long time and realize its almost night and im freezing again

my dads up there watching baseball without the sound
he says its better this way, doncha think
he relates that he was closing his eyes and that he was feeeling like hed miss something that way but it got better with his eyes closed
might try that next time

four hours post smoothy and things are returning to normal
i feel as if i hit the reset button on my brain
i needed to reboot it
to defrag it
to rid my brain of cultures toxins
now i can think clearly again
now i can plan effectively

the next morning my ankles are normally sized

the healing has begun

ahh, the delicious freedom of unemployment
i have a future again
no longer stuck in a deadend rut
trapped in a shitty job

instead im drinking at noon again
in my underwear
surfing the web for my future
who knows what i will be this time
with every resume i email i am
going thru the motions

it would appear to the untrained eye that i am seeking employment
but my too candid cover letters
and my resume which covers not only my jobs
but ironic commentary
you would have to be a weirdo to hire me from that 1-2 combo
and if they want weird
they got it
freakishly weird
but i will be good at whatever i do
so why do it for humorless assholes?
im gonna start cracking jokes wherever i work
so why not on the resume?

at least thats the master plan
until i start my own company
assholes, inc.
why do a half assed job at being an asshole
hire a professional
do the job right
our assholes won't blink

speaking of assholes
i saw a tv commercial today about baby lotion
it makes your skin feel like hers
it shows a MILF stroking her skin in a seductive manner
shes enjoying the silky softness of it
ok ive seen this movie before
is this the one where she continues the explorations of her softness?
it sure looks that way to me
and what are they selling?
baby lotion?
is this kiddy porn?
or at least subliminally suggesting the same?
i mean for real, she is one fine MILF
and the way the commercial is shot
teh way the camera caresses her
and her reactions to her silky soft skin are soft core porn precursors

the way it is shot, she is an object
an object of desire

sex sells
but in a baby lotion commercial?
these truly are srange times we live in

and stay away from the tv this week unless you like looing at bloody arab death masks
how long before this image pops up on teeshirts?
congratulations tv, youve turned him into an icon
that image will become a recruiting tool
and hes all laughing and shit now
cuz hes up there in heaven with the 48 virgins
and tupac and biggie and elvis and marilyn

in icon heaven
they will never die
seared forever into the hive mind that is tv
ready to be pulled out of storage whenever they need a reactio
this is the face of evil
but who will be the new one?
who will step up and become the new anti-hero
maybe they should send simon cowell over there

IRANIAN IDOL
axis of evil edition
the show where you get to pick the next boogey man
who will it be america?
which one of these desert dweelers from across the globe scares you the most?
this week see IRANIAN ICON EVERY NIGHT AS WE HAVE THE TRYOUTS
who will get the ticket to mafwaki and a chance to compete to be the next IRANIAN IDOL

i may be on the track of great riches
or just talking to another multi level marketing douchebag
but either way its been an entertaining afternoon
i am using his lingo against him
the lingo of hope of incredible riches
coming to the faithful
i may even have him loaning me money
just in case it is not a scam i will hold back on linking to his site
and printing the emails
when he shows his true colors i may start a whole new website about it
its an exciting day in unemployment land!

why i am the way i am
oh fer two in the love olympiad
didnt even go to the last olympics
international love sanctions were placed upon me
when i didnt return love offered
because im jsut too smart for that
im more spock than captain kirk lately
add my little bit of psychic power

like i know if it annoys me when we meet
its gonna really chafe my balls later
i dont ask for perfection
just someone that is perfect for me
i know that im a slob
i know that if it wasnt for good genetics i would be undatable
but i carry the champion gene
women sense this
and want to reclaim me for the benefit of the species

its hilarious to me how guarded we are when we get to a certain age
so good at protecting ourselves from feelings
life pain
whats the difference
why not risk a little heartache?

like penecillin resistant bacteria
women are becoming immune to my love stylings as i age
they use the anti bacterial soap
bactreria killing laundry soaps
hand sanitizer
and they wonder
why i sneeze when they sit down next to me

keep on playing that defense
im playing the only game i know
offense
yeah im offensive
but a cute, witty offensive

and watch what happens when one of these numerous cuties
walking down the street
in light, sheer, clingy fabrics
glistening, bouncy, delicious
watch
just watch
what happens when they start to flirt back

just find me a chick with an extra room,
an airconditioner
cable tv
and faith
ill do the heavy lifting
you have the faith

we take the love olympics over
setting records our collection of gold dazzling the eyes of the spectators
the watchers
those to a feared to get in there and muck things up in their heart

i still have ten percent of my aorta left

ill wager that
and what left of my left ventricle
so what CHOO GOT?

HUNH?

another saturday nite in south philly
wawa is thirty to forty deep
kids high on sugar from the movies
or from blunts
harried parents getting milk for tommorrow
big fat hungry losers

its the same story at the sandwich shop next door
alot more beer buyers there
there is nastiness in the air
the faux manners blasting out
"JESUS CHRIST, you could said excuse me..."
says the easily annoyed miss manners junkie as i brush against her
haji recognises me and waves me to the front
i want out of there
i apologize to the lass
her man is silent
i got him by a buck fifty and eight or nine inches in height

the kids are squeezing the last few laughs out of an evening of chocolate and candy and trying to sneak into another movie
giddy and laughing and running wild in the streets
working the young girls
flirting with the young boys

i pedal away from the population center
sixpack on my handle bars
some asshole revs his engine behind me
i cross in front of him and stop at the stop sign
put my feet down
turn my head
and wait

he doesnt stop at the sign
tinted windows hide the occupants
i see a shadow in the back seat
three at least

the car stops just after the interscetion
a window rolls down
punk says i thought so
i say fuck you pussy as i grab a 16 ounce beer can from the ring
doors start to open and my beer can flies
BAM!
beer everywhere
i throw my bike down and reload

i couldnt have aimed it better
it must have been the noise
or the two hundred and eighty pound psycho running towards the car
screaming a scream of obscenities
they pull away

and i laugh and drink the one in my hand
toasting the gods of insanity as i pedal home
another fun nite in south philly

feeling kinda energized
like there is a workable future
started a new blog aimed just at future employers
just call me
mr. writing guy
any and all feedback appreciated
i need to get some testimonials up there
teachers from back in the day who know how i roll
this is the tom sawyer idea finally blooming
yeah painting this fence sureif fun
it aint every day
a boy gets a chance
to splash white wash on a big board fence
AND THAT LUCKY BOY IS Me

yeah i still remweber when i was a star of stage
my fifteen minutes came early i was nine or ten
and so cute as tom sawyer

one day on the boardwalk miles from home i was recognised and hailed
"hey tom!"

ahh celebrity
she only knew me as towm sawyer tho
she didnt know me as bakeowski

so for this teaching website to work i have to whore it up a little
list it with interesting meta tags for the search engines to find
put a conatact email there
get some testimonials
and wait for the big bucks to start rolling in
hehehe
wacky and delusional
thats the the way i like to roll

and keep all teachers away from the bakeowski stuff
build a new framework for exixtence
one webpage at a time