waiting for my muse in a dark alley with an aluminum bat

unedited pure neanderthal musings NeANDERThallus's DONut EDiT!!! historical records from my cave walls... brutality, menial labor, minor victories, hot sexy interludes....... 3 years on the edges of a society that i cant distance myself enough from

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since 2005 i've been picking at this keyboard. the thoughtstreams flow, who knows from whence they came, or to whence they go? enjoy the ride...... i am

Thursday, November 26, 2009

high as shit
waving with th3 zik
the sweet sweet zik
thankful as heck for the special cookie
just about out of the local brewries goodies
the evening melted away
i killed some online elves
i played some cards
i grooved on fine tunage
the stereo is sounding like speakers are rooms apart
echos, bass treble whispers, reverb growls
words dance a little on the screen
twisty vision thing is fine by me
unconsciousnees is calling me
this is when reality is appealing
when it is unreal
when the medications mix well
with the addictions
and the world is fine
thankyou fine world

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

is a fartless life worth living?
for six straight days my bowels have betrayed me
what feels fartish, isn't
luckily i was standing on newspaper in my kitchen that morning
making my coffee

i decided to toot, for the kitties
a little music with their kibble
they were eyeing me expectantly
having roused me by nibbling my fingers
telling me, "ill eat you if you dont feed me"

the musical accompaniment wasn't
instead, i felt a warm dribble on my calf
oh shiite!
my asshole has joined the ranks of rogue states
asshole terrorists!
try jogging for the bus in this condition
try hoping youve caught it in your cheeks,
clenching them on the bus.
hoping can make a restroom before smaering the insides of your lingerie
one of my lifes great joys has become dangerous
im a very dangerous man
women are attracted to this dangerousness
this undershort mess
living on the edge

Monday, November 23, 2009

the old lady was waiting in her door
she starts motioning to me to come over
could you step into my vestibule a minute hon?
i dont want these people knowing my business....

she must be out of cigarettes again
needs a loan, just til saturday
"when my check comes"
knock on my window honey
thanks alot jim
saturday dont forget
dont come too early

my name still isnt jim
not now not after 100 uses
i answer to jim now tho
its easier that way

i borrowed her iron once
when i was trying to use the same shirt twice for catering
the iron smelled like cigartees
how? i dont know
on warm days she'll sit on the steps and watch things
sometimes has 3 or four in her gang
thats one of the reasons i tokk this crappy little shoebox
it felt like a neighborhood

the gang members include the fat retarded lady on disability
the stroke survivor
the postman on disablity
the coke bottomed glasses mute old crone who may or may not speak
a ten year old redheaded girl who must not have video games
old don with the shunt in his stomach and the botched surgeries, too mean to die
and sometimes myself or the secretary across the street
theres a lot of check cashers in this hood
people waiting for disability or social security
theres a whole nother crew
mostly retards
down the block who sit in front of the bar
so yeah
it feels like home
and someday soon i hope to be recognized as their king
im royalty baybee
a prince in waiting
charlie clams has the shakes is all
clams wears shorts 365 days a year and shaves his own head sometimes
not a good idea with the shakes, clams
steve is just a little slow, but can be trusted to run to the store
he likes his team jersies
boots has lost 120 pounds since getting off sweets due to the diabetes
its easy to listen to diabetic advice when you have an object lesson two doors down
rudy lost one leg at a time to diabetes when he didnt listen
now he just sits on his steps and fights with the neighbors
then theres the drive by tards
tards on the move
blind mike comes in for water once a day
you have to put it in his hand
he can only see off to the left
and then theres kevin
he walks around the block at eleven and four
eleven is bed head hour
he can remember names and numbers
hes famous for calling people at odd times who gave him their number in conversation two years ago
at four hes all cleaned up kevin and reeks of cologne
hes famous for calling strangers "deadbeat" because thats what he associates with the bar
the usual day bartender calls him that every day
so its his calling card
soon
soon
bolstered by my homeless army
and my battalion of tards
we will storm the bastille
and throw them from the windows

Saturday, November 21, 2009

one good day of organizing my piles and piles of scribble
it felt productive
time to find a home for my babies
20 years of incoherent rage-fueled caterwauls
a nugget or two of truth
and a whole lotta confusion
should be a fun project
so im starting a new blog here called
one random notebook
ill grab one from the pile
transcribe the funny stuff
skip the economics notes
maybe upload a doodle or two on a scanner
and then file the sucker in a deep drawer for a tider home, mind and spirit
this shit is as useless as any job
but im working for me
swamp hippy industries
from the swamps of pikeville
to your laptop
we bring our twisted vison of truth and schemes
mopes and dreams
bruises and screams
www.onerandomnotebook.blogspot.com

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

sunday was a whirlwind
set in motion by a butterflies wings
a butterfly who hasnt mastered the art of losing
snapping at me the day after a huge loss
in the roller derby world
someone i shared laughs with when she was an easy winner
happy in the spotlight
gracious in victory

gracious enough even to banter with a troll politely

then the dream dies
horribly, in overtime
he just wants to bite
well, it wasnt me skating in fudge out there yesterday
it wasnt me wearing a look of wonder as larger faster women had their way with me
and a heartbreaking loss is part of sports
and this kinda butterfly/troll hybrid is waaay too sensitive to take even imagined abuse
and if the gals i was "sorta cool" with were this fierce
its time to go

so the butterfly shook her wings
and my pocket full of cash went elsewhere
it was too pretty a day to be indoors with hostile women who barely tolerate my freakishness when they are in high spirits
i had a wad of cash burning in my pocket
a spending machine
a great night of real bartending made me want to spread my cash joy
it was like in the olde days
cash coming out of my ears
more easy cash on the horizon
a spigot of cash because i know how to speak drunkenese
i know their secret language
i was embedded among them for years
i studied thier ways
reporting to you
the audience at home
the trials and sip-u-lations
the comedy
the tragedy
the destructive energy of wasted young lives

so i set sail and was enjoying the freakish warmth of a glorious november day
indian fall?
who sez global warming is all bad?
safe harbour this time was a friendly hottie bartender
good food
banter for hours
i txt her save me a seat
she replies good luck

good luck is with me and i snag a corner stool
i shoehorn my way in
"excuse me is this seat taken"
no space is made but the space i make
im a little closer than i like to be
my choices are sit huddled in the corner or maybe sideways on the seat but way too close


the tv is hard to see
im not part of the action over here in the corner
the guy is too close to my junk
i begin to plot when a seat opens up in the middle
thank god
i make a move and say
(hilariously)
"im moving over there guys,
this guy has been hitting on me
and not for nothing
this guy here (at new seat)is way cuter"

her violent ex husband walks in
you can see the tension in her face
you cant see the bruises anymore
and i wonder
does this violate the restraining order?
who is she more fearful for?
i dial my flirt game back a few decibels
tap tap tap on my shoulder

"what did you just say?"

I say alot of things ,

"when you moved..."

i turn and face a glaring, greying blade
about 85-100 pounds my junior
and he's proving a point

i saw two guys at a bar
i made the easy gay joke
he wants to go sir galahad on me
i start to explain that 95 % of the world would laugh at that interaction

i apologize to the ferocious gay dwarf
i tell the lovely couple that i am a clown thats how i roll
i explain the funny joke
but nothing is funnier than an explained joke
i say " 95% of the world....."

laser beam eyes
"be VERY carfeul what you say next"
oh shit!
the hostility
the rancor
i change my statement to "95 percent of the world would accept my apology gracefully" because it's not that big a deal
im excited to be out of my house
im trying to be harry 1987 when i ruled all of the bars and events in washington dc with my burly persona
my fistfuls of cash
my swagger
my physique my easy humor
and now, 20 years later fags are threatening me?
come the fuck on already....
do the grey hairs in my beard make you think you have a chance, elton?
what are you planning to do, bleed all over me and give me the hiv?
JEEBUS AITCH CHRISTALNACHT

but im a highly evolved social creature
i back down, hilariously, with a twinkling in my eye
i offer to buy them a shot and tell them i feel like im chasing them out
what ever

the bartenders mom walks in as they walk out
we chat
she starts sharing way too many details about her feelings for the lurking psychotic at the other end of the bar
she HATES him
he comes to talk to a pal behind her left shoulder
does he hear her?
do i care?
ive already been chumped by a roller girl and intimidated by george micheal
mama details that "she isnt the kind of person to wish harm upon somebody, but if she were...."
the tension is palpable in the bartenders face
shes grinding her teeth
shes got half of her usual personality on display
i tell her i think shes pretty
she tells me fuck you
its that kind of day
he leaves
she brightens, her personlity reappears a little and she can share the details of her back pain with me
the day gets better, im in the inner circle
her face tightens
i know without looking that LERCH is back
the grey haired butler from the Addams fam

a young hottie friend of hers comes back to the bar
wed chatted on two occaisions
i introduce her to mom
they bond
i mention BLACK LANDLORD is playing in an hour downtown
shes game, shes heard of them
im cheering eagles field goals now
they just have the stink of losing on them
and i dont reall care
i used to

We head downtown, stopping for shots
thats where the extra 30 went!
HA!
anyway, we chat as we walk and she has man issues which are easily solvable with the proper amount of kicking and a dash of curb
i get the distinct impression shes flirting with me as she mentions that age is just a number, but im way too bombed and not flirting back
she seems high matenance
my liver would never survive her
how could her standards be so low with a booty like that?
really
the band rocks
in a surreal moment they are playing my favorite song about "jerking off in a sock, sitting on a sofa...." to a room half full of roller dykes and their lovers
my dance game is on
the band is on
its a glorious night but standing is getting too hard
i can dance/stumble
but standing still is almost impossible
im sliding down walls
im borderline sloppy
i do the unthinkable
i leave a room of wildly writhing hottie
girls rocking their tight silver derby shorts
the denver fight club ruled the dance floor
rockin each others world in sychronized lap dancing manuvers to the techno beats of the dj
one chick dancing in hot pink boy shorts and bra
as if at a rave
"Donde es LOS DRUGAS?"

ive never walked out of a liver party
this was the one
i staggered out at 1130 sunday night
i havent ditched a hottie harder than i did this night
the music started
i hit the floor
im just focussed i guess
i was focussed on fun this day
and spent most of monday in bed and the rest of it as if in an Aquarium
sounds were muted by the water
walking was one third or one quarted speed
bloop bloop bloop bloop
at the bottom of a pool
foggy
fantastic

Sunday, November 08, 2009

got a little rugby in me this weekend and it seems that i still have it
not 40 mins, but a good 30
i switched sides of the scrum so my trashed knee gets a break and im still able to LOPE
i LOVE TO LOPE
im planning on loping some more
i have a nice support running cruising speed that gets me to pileups with momentum and inertia
i just have to aim my bulk at the right spot and mayhem insues
i like mayhem
i like to turn out of a tackle and strightarm dude in the head, getting a fleshy cheek gouge with two fingers and grabbing the dudes HEADGEAR with the other and using the headgear as leverage
man that was so so sweet
five more steps for me until i offloaded the ball

Thursday, November 05, 2009

regaining my mental space
avoiding the news
avoiding the programming
i embraced the local sports franchise and had to endure an hour plus of ads per game
now the season is done and i can
give my liver a rest
return to my books
scribble

been a bit of a zombie from this commitment
it was great fun last year to be in the same city as champions
but im glad its over
we chased the high again
and it wasnt the same
the bars were less crowded
the energy noticeably lower
we are now jaded
we need
new bread
new circusses
new debaucheries

being part of the herd was great fun
but i am not the jacket buying type
im not wearing my favorite players number and name like a lovesick teen
im not dating any of them
im happy for the millionaires successes
yea team

so i gotta go graze by myself
regain my ironic distance
ive over bonded
balance time
ill catch up with the herd on new years day
here in philly
when the men wear dresses
to celebrate the new year
ill make sure they dont run out of beer
and slap some fives
and maybe dance a little in the street when they play oh dem golden slippahs
drive the beer truck on a practice run
then back in the cave for a bit
maybe some poker will bring me out
maybe some honey can entice me
maybe ill be driven out