the fourth dui meant my brother was out of chances with the men in blue
humorless public servants
protecting the public from menace
so i helped him pack
for whereabouts unknown
a year in jail is what the judge said hed get
state prison time
so his choice was forcible sodomy or join the arayan nation or go on the run
and event the nice arayans may have a secret homo initiation
its not gay
its about power
yeah
thats what the homo nazis want you to think
its about sex
jail wooda killed my bro
hes even more sensitive than i am
i hear hes ditched his ride
one more layer of protection
but the next time he talks to a cop its over
i havent talked to a cop for ten years or so
so its doable
giving your car away is the first step
cops love property owners on wheels
they can hold your wheels hostage
talk about how its a privlege
not a right to drive
eff them
its a privlege to pay insurance too i guess
and registrations
and maintnance
oh yeah
petroleum
what a deal
it says right on the back of your license that you must notify the man within 30 days if you move
so the gestapo knows where you live
so they can send the sherrif to you spot
to serve that warrant on your ass
for being to cool for school
for living your life to wildly for their tastes
to avoid the tragedy of vehicular manslaughter
theyd rather lock you up for what you might do someday
like my ex girlfriend
who used to yell at me in advance
id go into the kitchen cabinet to get a glass
shed holler from the couch
dont leave that cabinet open
you know i hate that
so what do you think i did?
thats a little too efficient a level of policing of behavior for my tastes
so some body ran over someones kid and they started madd
and now
because of someones poor reflexes
drunks everywhere must pay for her pain
in north dakota and montana you can drive with a beer
its open country
and the trips are long
and they are all old cowboys
and if you flip your truck its your own dam fault and prolly a one vehicle accident anyway
so my brother basically stole my idea

i wanted to be the one on the run

living in peoples basements for a month or so at a time
until we got tired of each others company
and i moved on to the next basement
helping, like
painting, gardening, whatever
thares a harry in my basement
do you have a harry in your basement?
would you like one?
operators are standing by right now to book your month long harry infestation of your basement
he will do the hard jobs
five hours a day
five days a week
for room and board
more if you want to pay him some cash or buy a keg or if the job is interesting to him or if you are some kind of hottie temptress watching him pulling out stumps from your backyard in your daisy dukes and tube top
cooing at him
all
"you are sooo strong"
"want another beer?"
"my husband won't be home for hours, he doesnt understand me"
i suppose a bus ticket to your domicile is part of the package deal
ill work some extra hours for cash money so that i can keep playing cards
and its all gravy
its all good
do you have a harry in your basement?
why not?
afraid that your property value will go thru the roof?
afraid that your neighbors will be jealous and start a bidding war?
dont worry
harrys are notoriously loyal
and each member of the "international brotherhood of harrys in your basement" has undergone a rigourous screening procees
mentally and physical
not stone has been unturned
there are no nasty surprises waiting for you unless you walk into your basement without knocking
harrys are notoriously naked cave dwellers
these relics of a bygone era will serve to remind you of a simpler time while enhancing the rustic beauty of your home by walking around shirtless and belching
you create the cover story and the harry in your basement will flesh out your lies
breathing life into your dreams
amazingly affordable
attractively priced
why not be the first on your block to take advantage of these evolutionary deadends
one step removed from the sasquatch
housetrained
smart as a beaver
the harry in your basement makes the perfect christmas gift
send one to your nympho cousin today
youll be glad you did
she will start sending you the most tasteful christmas gifts and party invitations
her yard will sparkle
and her bush will get the attention it deserves

the chick from the train sent me an email
and it looks like im soon dating again
all i gotta do is find a cool lunch spot
brush my teeth and prepare to smile alot
this chick is incredible
sexy, spanish and smiling at me?
howzat work again?
i read this book before somewhere
i think i know how it ends
but the beginning is the best part
and theres that slight slimmest of sliver of a fragment of a hope that she will get me
that she'll forget her babies daddy(ies)
and we wind up on her daddies farm in mexico
retired
raising llamas and magic mushrooms
more as a hobby than as an income
to keep us busy
as we partake of the aztec godsflesh i begin to understand the pattern of the universe better
how she came to me from the cosmos
between us, mending a great rend in the fabric of existence
living in harmony with the world as the assholes die offnow if i can just figure out the perfect lunch spot
its out there somewhere
a place with little tables and wine and good food
and a waitress that leaves us alone
in an hour we can see if its the deal or not
the reemergence of the mack daddy
rebirth of romeo
i love spanish rice already
my first girlfriend at community college of philadelphia was spanish
puerto rican
huge tits
(all my fake girlfriends had huge breasts in those days)
i dont know why

shy
we held pinkies and not much else
i had no game then
i dont even think we ever kissed or talked on the phone
just went on walks
pinkies entwined
talking about nothing
and everything

17 years olde with acne and a virgin dong
my social ineptitude was my only charm im sure
women felt safe with me because i was as dorky as they came
straight off the farm
trusting
honest
naive
lumbering
starting to get broad shoulders
babyfat, not a beer gut yet
i looked soft i guess
but i did 450 situps a day
or was that later?
getting olde now
but still holding onto the wonder
of holding pinkies with a puerto rican goddess
who was blind to my dorkiness
who wanted me to ask her more interesting questions
who dissappeared without a trace one day
a girl who would have been great to practice love with
until we got it right

WOMEN OF UTAH
do you have a fully stocked bunker
yet an emptiness in your heart?
do you have an ugly single sister?
CONVERT ME TO MORMONISM
im ready to listen
and wait out the apocalypse with you
i offer your bloodline superior german genetics
with a little welsh coal miner in me for backbraking physical labor
add me to your bunker of love today
ALL REPLIES ANSWERED

mocha-latte butt cleavage
on the barstool to my left
and instead of just being a lonely passive dorky loser observer
im conversating
she and her bonita dominican chiquita comrade are talking about taking over the world

a program i heartily and enthusiastically endorse
i cant argue with the fact that these two fine womenfolk seemed to have taken the best parts of whatever their mixed ancestries are
they both seem to have reached into the genetic blender and cherry picked the best shit out
the dominican mamasita also claims to have great genetics
which i am also a fan of
so i guess to take part in this plan ive got to find myself a zulu woman to blend genetics with
or a dark haitian i can speak french too in our little chez des amour
i hope thats not "hat of love"
i hope that meant love shack in fench
maybe an indian goddess will allow me to move up a caste or two
as she teaches me the intricasies of fat old buddha and his love styling secrets
it would be irresponsible of me to breed with another albino
white bread has no vitamins
too refined
all the nutrients are left in the mill
because i belive in sweeping global vision statements i have to announce to the world my new policy of no sperm for white women
sorry baybee
well, as long as you promise not to spit my seed into your hand and jam it into your vagina
i guess we can make it work
just this once
just because its your special birthday present
but you have to promise to swallow
and sign here
here and here
ill have to get the forms printed up
and maybe your sister can too
since shes dying of cancer
and its her last request
im a big fan of the make a wish foundation
big supporter
so its he wish to blow an unemployed fat idiot
she has her dream
i have mine
mine is caramel coloered shildrne frolicing in the surf of my equatorial hut overlooking crystal blue waters
me, im the village idiot/fisherman/tutor/wiseman/retired genius
the goal is to win one six figure poker tounrament
and retire on the sea
in a place where people live on a few thousand a year
put it in some bank and await the apocalypse
living off the interest
with a broad shouldered woman of color
making caramel babies
with superior genetics
and exemplary ethics
a race of philospher warriors
to better withstand the coming plagues
as mother earth gets her revenge on mankind for fouling her so savagely
its coming
you can bet on it
it will be ugly for a while in the cities
quarantines enforced by machine gun
designer surgical masks
its a gucci
i accessorizes so well with my jewel encrusted my fendi oxygen tank
i mean we cant be expected to stop going out as billions die
its not my fault they were born poor
a girls gotta party
youre only young once
its not my fault theres a plague
mother earth tried to warn us
this week the nytimes noted that the thrush population in nystate is down 75%
they thought it was acid rain
till science dude did mercury tests on the birds
birds eat worms
worms eat dirt
dirt with mercury in it
mercury from the coal plants that are allowed to burn mercury laced coal due to eased environmental regulations
i think that was george bush senior that relaxed those business crippling regulations
i mean
hows a guy supposed to compete?
and i have all this cheap mercury tainted coal
just sitting there
so like the canaries in the coal mine going down when the air gows bad
the thrushes in ny state are going dodo
and since oil is too high
we are opening 100-150 more coal plants in the next ten years
yeah
that makes sense to me
when i find the motherfucker who taght me to read im gonna do some damage
the more i read the angrier i get with the greedy ignorant assholes who run the world
the more i read the more i relize its hopeless
so bring on the apocalypse
i like a good fight
road warrior was one of my favorite movies
im ready
and if im not so what
this isnt the time or place for philosophers
this is the great age of ignorance
the epoch of untruth
the era of illusions
turn on your tv truth
buy buy buy
one last dance on the tilting titanic dance floor
the captain says this ship wont sink
the captain knows we are addicted to oil hes working on it
trust him
hes rich
he needs us to prey on to live his parasite lifestyle
its in his best interests to keep us alive
and paying taxes
otherwise hed have to work
so when oils 200 a barrel
and theres national guardsman in your neighborhood
and its martial law
dont worry
its a market correction
and if i dont win the poker tourney
my back up plan it to move to the mountains of utah and find myself a mormon woman
with a bunker full of mercury tainted tuna
and an understanding of suffering
and we can wait out the bad stuff underground
then take over the world
and if that plan doesnt come thru
if no mormon women read my ad on criags list, utah
if no mormon women send for me
their mail order husband
theres always the oblivion of alcohol
so at least i have a plan
how bout you?

just an idea
why not a bullet tax?
tax those who benefit the most from our government
the millionaires
10 percent tax
for each million
earned in a year
they are reaping the rewardsof our policies
its only right they pay for it
and a 20 percent tax on all savings in excess of 2 million
and theres a simple penalty for if they dont pay the bullet tax
its the first word of the tax
no tax form
sorry, paris
say hi to tupac and biggie from me

i mean cmon
you cant spend all that money
its obscene
tell a starving kid you need it
asshole
but
perhaps they SHOULD benefit
cuz daddy knows some people
maybe the beautiful people are humanities best bet
when the famine hits
when the plague hits
when mother nature lights the TILT alarm
and billions die
id be happier if i didnt see the al gore movie
and the feeling of doom that comes from it
al says we should be inspired to action
ok
call me george washington then
he didnt like taxes and did his thing
i dont like environmental rapists
if i do my thing i go to jail i think
georgie boy had money on his side
he was fighting an economic thing
a battle of the masters of the universe
so it was ok
a blue blood was gonna win
the little guy never wins
well not for long
a little guy can make a run or two
but he better duck
he better have his head on a swivel
cuz anyone that empowers the weak
gives hope to the hopeless
or energizes the masses is due for a takedown
by the powers that be
they dont like change
thats the lesson of history
joan of arc, hitler, jesus, MLK, malcom X, kennedies
all painted a target on their own backs by helping the wrong people
eff the disenfranchised
franchising is the only way to go
ill give ya credit
ez financing
play the game
so lead the pack and die
or sell out
or just ignore the crap and do your own thing
cluck clucking when you see the horrors
powerless to stop it
unwilling to risk the comfort you have
tacitly selling out
accepting the shit sandwich of life that they serve you
because you have alot of bread
and the more bread you have the less shit you have to eat
and o what they do with the sauces these days
its almost shit free
since i am a millionaire
i only have to eat the tiniest bit of diahhrea
and thats in the sauce
and the bread is so fresh
but you gotta pay your dues
nose to the plow
work hard now
relax later
and later and later
as retirement age nears 80
and retirement plans go broke
yeah i want to get old
i heard the WORST commercial this afternoon
for an insurance company
offering accident forgivness
your rates wont go up
for one accident because to err is human
they say
to make a mistake is human

and they are the deity here
they forgive
which is divine
they never finish the sentence of course
maybe jesus is on their board of directors
the head of marketing or something
his new career

painting is very zen
if you are methodical
you are rewarded
if you are anal about dipping the brush
then hitting the side of the paint can
over and over and over
you almost have no drips
thens its steady hands time
dance close your edge
again the opposite way
again and you just might have it
muscle memory comes into play as with any repetitive activity
youd have to be an idiot not to become better at painting with practice
so i got that going for me now too

its funny to see the history in the paint
the history is in the edges and the lumps
the carpet catches a drip or two
time warp
as useless as shaving
very anti wabi sabi
that japanese art of decay
graceful decay
ornamental decay
thats why i left the window unpainted in the middle of yesterdays shed
to appease the gods of decay
who rum rampant in my body
swimming underwater sounds like a popcorn maker is going off
both shoulders and both knees
high pitched pops
bone rubbing on bone
bone released from bone
snap crackle pop

a creaky freak in the creek
gone from stud to weak
still willing to wreak
havoc on some deek
who has the audacity
to bother me
cant he see
im ornery?

get the above lyrics out to the thrash metal world
ill work on the hook

my brother and a coworker headed to the northeast one night to bowl
we were in college
i believe wewere drinking strong beer
thats when you sip some beer out of the can
and add vodka
bowling was looking fun
as we walked to the alley,
friskiness ensued
my brother and i started swinging at each other
good ole drunkin hijinx
cussing
we quickly found an audience
dude was yelling
yeah kick his ass
yeah
so i turned to him
and said
who the fuck are you
telling me
to kick my brothers ass
you asshole
and i started towards him
he swang
i ducked under it
and tackled him
i wound up on top pretty quickly and started peppering his head with fists
my knees were on his arms
an old brother torture trick
now used for real
i would miss his head every now and then and that hurt
we were in the middle of the street
and i remember hitting the manhole cover and saying ow
and noticing blood
not my own
on both fists
so i did the right thing
had a bout of humanity
and let him go
before the KO
his ass was well kicked
and we proceeded to the bowling alley
three minutes later hes coming at us with a bat and a dog
i picked up a broken window frame from the garbage and swung it at him
my brother picked up chunks of asphalt and winged them at him and the dog
it was a stale mate
the broken glass in the window was a deterrent
and my brother kept throwing the chunks of street
mexican standoff
movement caught my eye
we ran into a firehouse pursued by the dog
who i locked in a storeroom before heading out the back door
spent two more hours wandering around northeast philly looking for the train
laughing at the expressions on the firemans faces
and recreating the "oof" sounds the dude made whenever he got hit by a chunk of concrete
we felt like spies then
and our alcoholism was glamourous

the girls i look at with longing
aint exactly checkin me out in return
but you have too look
they spent so much time infront of the mirror
making sure they looked cute
before they left there house
it would be disrespectful not to gape
openmouthed
drooling
i know i have the game to pull a babe off a bus
i did it recently
if i followed thru id be in vegas
but i fumbled a bit
and shes married with 2 kids anyway
but there was no denying the magic in the moment on the train
so when i see a hottie looking over her shoulder
coffee in hand
i know shes on my bus
and i have to go to the shitty coffee store
and play this hand

so i but the craffee from the asshole and hustle back to the stop
she puts her cup on the curb to look thru her bag
i make a mental note to stand where i can eyerape her longer
as she bends again
from the waist
my eyes are voracious today
as i peer over the top of the paper
im pretending to read
as i soak her lovliness in
at least five tattos
both shoulders
small of the back ankle and calf
a heart some trilbal shit and some indecipherable shit
shes a party girl is what this advertisement means

her shirt says
love is
love is
love is
diagonally across her lovely torso
and now she retrieves her coffee and i am agog
for a skinny girl she has quite a flotation system
the scoop neck tee extolling love
and me
appreciating her beauty
wondering if the shirt that she spent too much on
is really a "top"
and costs alot more than most tee shirts
and if that puts me out of her range
in my paint spatttered shorts
taco bell polo shirt
all scraggled and beardy
way too old and fat for a hottie like her
but like free oxygen
she offers free loveliness to the universe
and i inhale her as much as i can without drawing attention to myself
stealthy pretend lover that i am

i gain a newfound appreciation for the printed word
as i read and reread her top
looking for my context
thought provoking stuff
and i am hungry for knowledge
and deep deep meaning

questions form in my head
tight blue jeans cup girlish buttocks that indicate no kids have passed thru her hips
not enough ass, really, to take on the full brunt of my loving
afraid ill hurt her
afraid to find shes slipping away
maybe she likes walking like en equestrian enthusiast for days after recieving loving from a dude her dads age
maybe i should ask

her hair is damp from the shower and back in a ponytail
henna
my favortie floavour
curly seduction
i used to wait for my crappy toothed lover to get out of the shower
before pouncing
something about a hottie freshly bathed
mmmmm
good cracker

she looked like julia roberts
a julia roberts who lost her toothbrush
whenever i kissed her i imagined the taste of rotting teeth
but she was purty
and at that time i made sacrifices for my love
like taking a bus at 930 every day just to ride along with her
not that i have a job
its just i like the ride
and the daydreams
930 seems like the sexiest time in the universe to me today

this one is definitely on the way to work
i may have to take this bus a couple more times
to show her im safe
work my way into a conversation
ask her about my favorite shirt

but to do this id need a sign
a half a smile
eye contact
something that assures me that i am not the creep i feel like i am
aging lech
id sure like to ask her some questions tho
maam
for my report
my socratic love game
just a few questions maam
ask her what the shirts supposed to mean
its actually just a string of sentence fragments
leaves you hanging
unless it is implying that she is love
right there in the shirt
are you implying now maam, or have you ever implied that you are the embodiement of love?
did you,
on july 14th of this year, not wear a teeshirt aka top with the words love is emblazoned on it
word which are inflammatory if not provocative and delicious?
did this love implication so embolden me to talk to you when you are clearly out of my league
with only the tiniest of hopes

the goddess gets off the bus on market st
heads for a row of trendy shoppes
dissappears into one

maybe time for me to go shopping for my mom
shes a fashion plate
she likes the occaisional rock star outfit for when shes rocking her accordion
her axe
yeah
of course ill need to be gently persuaded into buyin this type of haute coture
the hottie may even need to make eye contact
and speak to me
ahh
the tables are turning
we can build a relationship based upon the purchase of a shirt
yeah
it sounds like an epic romance
an instant classic
.....

if she was only retarded.....

hot and muggysouth philly is nasty in the sumer
you can feel your brains bke
smell the tar on the roof melting
garbage becomes piquant
i have a room walled off by a comforter and a poncho
i could run the ac and be almost comfy
or take it too the streets
find businesses that will cool me for free

so its movie marathon day here in south philly
buy one get three free
that"ll take care of that ball of fires reign in the air
in eight hours it might be cool enough to just rock the fan
with a cold case of brew

so now its time to catch up on mass culture
do some research for how movies are made
try to decide where the "acts" begin and end
try not to get to frustrated by moronic plots
remember how hot my apartment is
that, no matter how crappy, its better in the cool dark theater than on the third floor
maybe a trip to the buffet later
the one with the sushi

oh yeah, its nice when the government gives you money
thats why i paid all those taxes
so one orgy of spending
then the rest goes into the pierogie box in the freezer
i can live on twenty bucks a week
and ill prove it
ill save the reciepts
pinch pennies
while i search for the right job
im allowed to wit for "suitable" employment
that term seems perfectly political and open to interpretation
so ill interpret for the next 20 weeks or so and maybe gain some sanity
or plan for my future
get on my feet again
head to canada with a pocket full of cold hard cash and a dream
open my own "blunt and breakfast" in british columbia

so im thinking, pirates, prada, superman and nacho libre or maybe the lake house
maybe all five?
nah thats too many movies
four is enough to give you a headache
but much better than the lightheaded headaches you get in this hotass apartment
the ones where you feel like you could keel over right there
face pink, flushed
sweaty puddle on your chair as you crouch infront of the fan
cheeks sticking to the chair and sounding like velcro when you get up
but no way clothing can be worn on a day this nasty
so you suffer
and try to keep the ball sweat off the good chair
the guest chair
the ten buck thrioone for visitors
its too hot to sit in that thing in the summer
i think its stuffed with asbetos or laa or something
its good in the winter tho
i live in that thing in the winter

the cop on tv was speaking in code
when he said "they will look like them"
them is the secret white person code for the word that gets you fired
its the word professional racists use
the ones who tell jokes in the copy room
frustrated
blowing off steam
out of their element in an inner city school
scared of kids
scarder of "them"
but smart enough not to use the magical word that set me free when i said it in an unthinking moment
id heard that particular word used to describe the exact behavior i was witnessing
maybe i was still a bit loaded from the night before
i was a legendary drinker when i was teaching
i couldnt sleep some nights
mind just racing
thinking of the most recent horrors
stressed beyond belief
yeah i saw spots an alomost stroked out
but i didnt
my work here is not done
i need to be the one to break the secret white peoples code
to tell the awful truth about them
what do you do?
when someone "goes there?"
is it a reflection on me that i didnt go malcom x on them?
i really dont think thats my battle
i know the front lines of the teaching profession isnt my battle either
shit, it was a good fight
i enjoy i good fight
but it wasnt my fight
i know i helped keep some teachers from quitting
and opened a few eyes
before i "went native"
before i tilted
before i cured myself of job related stress
at least for that job
i think that if someone wants to be a racist they are allowed
i dont have to hang out with them or respect them tho
i can hope they get punched in the head and walk away from them when they are being a jackass
but when you work with them
and by this them i mean the secret racists who use the word "them"
the "T" word
which the friggin cop did on tv last night
but no one noticed
the word them was just hanging out there for a pregnant second
you know he knew he screwed up
he tried to cover it up but failed
watch the press conference about the stings they are going to do on gun buyers here in phily
it is instructive

now if you have verbal wit and dexterty you can get away with alot of things
i said fuck in front of a class of 6th graders and my evaluating teacher one hot afternoon when i was student teaching
i have a potty mouth
but they werent listening
i quickly repeated myself and your fuoc cuss is important
its important that you fuck us on the important things in life
or you will waste yout time
focus focus fuckus
yeah baby im that good

and speaking of idiots on tv a bus rolled over this week
a mother was interviewed
she said her kids would "never get on one of them things again"
"them" school busses
shes a bussist
and a candidate for mother of the year
never is alonng long time for her four kids to not ride on a bus
but she hates "them"
and thinks they are dangerous

them guys
you know them guys who like guys
the corksoggers
fruity tooties
the figs
youre not one of them guys are you
well i did wear tight white shorts on the weekends
put my arm around another sweaty guy
while another reached between my legs and put his head between me and my huggers buttocks
but thats not too gay
just a homo paradise
but we get to knock the snot out of each other when we are done hugging
so i guess rugby isnt gay
it just seemed that way on my first practice
you want me to put my hand where?
umm
yeah
im not one of those
one of them

i do my laundry in my shower
a trick i learned from travolta
in saturday nite fever
except i do more than shirts
some i hang dry
others i let drip,
squeeze and take them downstairs to the free dryer
living with junkies has its perks
they broke into the coin box of the dryer and the washer long ago
the washer doesnt spin
the landlord aint fixing it if he aint collecting quarters
you dont want to wash more than seven items
thares not that much room
but on a balzing day in the city
nothing better than showering with your laundry
multitasking
then sit in front of the fan and air dry
the only downfall is there is no gentle cycle
for my delicates
you have to stomp the clothing hard to force the soap thru
and on the rinse cycle
who am i kidding
my delicates
the only thing delicate about my world is my sensibilities
thats why i cant hold a job
the horror
the horror
im just as horrified as colonel kurtz in the jungle
just as disillusioned about our society
i just dont have a tribe of commandos at my disposal
but every day i dont have to work for an asshole im happy
so im living the dream
sitting around in my underwear
thinking great thoughts
waiting for opportunity to knock
and maybe the mailman will be nice enought to drop off that unemployment check for me one day soon
then im really living the dream
money for nothing and my checks for free
marshalling my energies
for one fianal assault on the working world
one last job
even tho the world of work has been very disrespectful to me
i will forgive
once i forget
trying to forget
the horror
the horror