i spent the night tossing and turning
half due to a very hot pepper which was playing games with my digestive system
nasty acidic games
and half due to the conversation i had in the bar
with a really big wheel in city politics
i was doing my thing
hanging at a bar, unemployed with my bro
he walks in, and we spoke
he seemed to like my ideas about playgrounds and rugby and tutoring
but thats his job i guess
to seem interested in people
so im gonna put a few ideas on paper and shoot them over to him
at the very least he can say, not right now
but it was wild thinking that the vague notions i have about jobs i wouldnt mind doing
seem to fit in with what the city needs right now
the rec centers are falling apart
they close them
so why not teach at youth risk some rehab
get them taking care of the turf, planting it, watering it whatever
light carpentry
and some tutoring and rugby thrown in the mix cuz its gotta be fun and different
and there is international money out there as grant
partner up with the police athletic league
synergy
put a teacher in there twice a week
have tutors/rugby coaches there every night
and each center could do things a little differently depending on the site
and the partner
many hands make light work
have a big rugby event every six months or so
start with 6,7,8th graders
ask them back to become the next round of tutors as they age and stay on the right track
make rugby such a cool thing that they have a desire to be a part of it for life
like i did
spread the rugby like a virus
infect the next generation
kids need something to do
and they like violence
and its a good outlet for aggression
healthy even
maybe this is what i smelled headed my way
yeah
im a psychic
like my ex boss the landscaper
he told me he knew i would screw him over one day
and that screwing took the form of workplace banter
i made fun of a guys teeshirt
it said fishtown
i know fishtown
thats still the place to go for meth and whores
and there wasnt any reference to it on the teeshirt
and i thought i was being amusing
making the day go by
bantering
busting balls
its what you do at work to take your mind off it
so fishtown boy complains to his buddy the psychic landscaper that i was being an asshole
and i was sat down in the office
and told i wasnt professional enough
that their business needed a level of professionalism that i wasnt meeting
i planted trees
laid brick
shoveled compost
the real thing was there was a vaction coming up
and the two bosses were taking 2 weeks in barbados
and had nothing for me to do really
and no inclination to trust me to represent them while they frolicked in the sun
but im glad they found the pretense they needed
they ran a very lean business
no room for an asshole in their organization
dude was a hothead anyway
one summer day he threw a bunch of shovels
before storming off in the pickup
cuz the kids in the program were slacking off
he kept calling them slackers in the blazing sun
as we transformed 2 trashstrewn inner-city lots into a garderns
you slackers
he'd say in the barbadian accent

they needed my degree to get the contract from the school district
but that money ran out
and the vacation was looming
and he knew id screw him
he knew it
he also knew about aliens and conspiracies
but he cooked the hell out of a seabass one night
i was the one that bought his pot for him
i was a model friggin employee
but you cant fool the psychic
hehehehehehehheheheheh

coffee shop hottie
pour me a latte
as i list the things,
id do to your body

spring was just sprung
so i just hung
ignoring the smoke
so bad for my lung

three hours later
still thinking and listing
i had to leave
u were insisting

thankyou for not calling the cops
as i pulled out all the stops
meet me at 12 steps
and well do some schnapps

and if this poem
in song wins a grammy
maybe youll let me
touch your punannie

and if you dont know
what a punannie is
what a joy for us both,
your learning is

coffe shopppe hottie
pour me a latte
ill diet for you
so theres less of my body

i want to crack you up all day
like you do to the eggs
and spend a few decades
between your legs

tell me you laughed
when i rhymed like yoda
inverting my sentence
my newest coda

you laugh is sweet nectar
your eyes sparkle luminously
this only could end one way
and that's ruinously

im no good at love
and youre probably gay
but thankyou so much for
this wondrous spring day

coffee shoppe hotttie
i'll pour the latte
then lets spend three minutes
back in the potty

i want to see if you
taste like you look
delicious, nutritious, bodacious
...im hooked

coffee shoppe hottie
screw the damn latte
close up the shoppe
and lets have a party

just you and me
and all your fine qualities
you covered with kisses
and me on my knees

i wish i could show you
this poem so fine
but im a big pussy
lacking a spine

i wont be the first one
to grin at your booty
when youre smiling and laughing
youre one mega cutie

i guess the point it
what im trying to say
is ill cut my wang off
if i find out youre gay

ill get a job
to pay for the surgery
for the chance to be covered
with kisses most sugary

coffee shoppe hottie
lets share a latte
and share a large love
in public or discretely

back in the eighties i played rugby with a bunch of ass-kickers in the middle of nowhere, kutztown pa
the motto for the team was "d" for degree
we were the guys who sang the songs of fornication and perversion
tunes of loves lost and acts most athletic
then there was the rugby queen
the way we honored her in song upon her shoulders would probably wind up in a lawsuit today
very un PC to be singing of all that anatomy, but it was all in good fun
then it was time to dive off a roof
or eat a lightbulb
tricks we learned from out comrades on the reading mens team and the boys at millersville
there was nothing to do in those towns on weekends either
we were young, bored and liked to hit things
rugby kept many of us out of jail
or delayed the trip in some cases
and, sure, many of us lied under oath or changed a key detail or two to keep a teammate out of jail
hearing a lawyer describe your random drunken acts of mayhem as a typical saturday night after a big rugby game is an experience i will always cherish

"and isnt it true, mr baker, that this saturday night was no different than many of your saturday nights after a big game, with headbutts, boisterous songs and whooping, blindsided tackles and wrestling a commonplace occurence."
"dont forget the dancing"

sociopaths are drawn to the game
its violent and fast and theres only one set of eyes watching fifteen players on each team
there are opportunities for mayhem
but if you cross the line between dirty and agressive you must be prepared to pay the price when fifteen guys in a different colored jersies are intent on settling the score
its kinda like vikings without the axes
samouri without the swords
when its done right
what else a gonna do on a saturday
or as my first rugby captain would say when things werent going well
rallying the troops under the goalposts after the opponent had scored
hed do his patton imitation
and ask the question that all rugby players must ask themselves in the bottom of their souls
what are ya, a bunch of pussies?
thats a tee shirt there
bold letters
what are you?

and a bunch of cats
like that booth guy draws in the new yorker
i could sell a million of those
but you do it
my gift to you
but really that question is the one that all rugby players must ask themselves
what are you?

ive been staying off the computer of late
cards running cold
need to strengthen my resolve to stay
mostly unemployed
as is my dream
or bite the bullet and find a job
waiting for my tax refund to save the day
climbing out of another morass of darkness where my focus was off
i forgot that i was living the dream for a few days there
i forgot how easy life is for me, even if it means im not respected or understood by most people
i really think i have better things to do in life than work for someone else
but i will do it if necessary
as little as i can get away with
i am a gentleman of leisure
and rugby and poker
writing a little more in journal than online
i have a part time gig with an architect
and i may pick up some waiter shifts until the luck changes back
and if i get an intriguing offer i may even take a full time job
but thats not likely
theyd prolly want me to shave and or bathe more often and sleep alot less than id prefer to
i am hanging in there
instead of from the rafters
so thats a plus i guess

i am patiently waiting for the great buS
its cominG
i am treading water now comfortablY
i have access to cash from 2 sources on a part time basis which pays my tiny tiny billS
thats the keY
i have no expenseS
475 a month pays my renT
100 or so takes care of the other bills and as you all know by now i am capable of living comfortably on 20 bucks a weeK
ten for food, ten for boozE
i did it all summeR
wait, treading water...bus????
mixing metaphors again
I need a DO OVER

Monday, March 13, 2006

Comfortably treading water in tranquil economic seas, waiting for the submarine of greatness to surface and take me aboard. A green-powered, eco-friendly sub which will be the answer to the finacial questions that people keep asking me. The bills are being paid as I doggy-paddle and float on my back, not making much progress but not drowning either. The sub is coming. That knowledge allows me to be very critial of every job opportunity that comes my way. I'm happy helping my friend rehab his house on weekends for cash. I don't mind getting dirty. It gets me out of the house and off the computer. I refuse to take another SUCKER JOB like teaching. theres a reason those little bastards were coming to school every day. the reason is that they are annoying as hell and would drive mom crazy if they stayed home.
but the sub is worth waiting for
ill know a great opportunity when i hear it
im jus waiting to make my move is all
i will seize the right one when it presents itself
im just splashing around on the surface for a few

and another blog degenerates into rambling stream of conciousness shit
thought streams
random neurons firing as i type
thought streams that do not always flow into a river of greater meaning
thought streams which sometimes lead nowhere
thought streams which occasionally provide a nugget of gold to people who splash around in them, like i do in the summer with marley in the summer in the crick that flows throught my parents farm
marley is the mayor of pikeville
120 pounds of chocolate lab
when we turn the cornet on yoder road on the daily walk i let him off the leash
he walks up on porches and sniffs things
goes right up to any person
hes a people pleaser
he knows hes a beautiful dog and likes to hear people compliment him
you look at him and know hes harmless, he radiates good vibes
he will lick your toddlers faces
he'll lick yours
the best thing i ever did in my life was taking him to the country
hes not city folk
hes country
hes a gardening lab and a whole lot smarter than me
living the life of a dog of leisure
he knows its only the dumb dogs that have careers
that go to work everday
hed never sell out and work at the airport, sniffing luggage
work is for suckers
work is for people who dont know how to loaf successfully
loafing is an art
a great lummox like myself is not born
its a craft
old world craftsmanship
i am an artisan of apathy
i could not care less about the future
it takes care of itself
zen baby zen
live in the moment
life is but a collection of moments
strung together
dont do anything you dont want to do
i worked hard at not killing peoples unlovable progeny for a good dozen years
i dont need to ever work that hard again
i might
i might find something i dont mind doing
but youll have to pay me a huge pile of cash for me to do something im not interested in doing
and even then im half assing it
its hard work not finding a job
i got skillz tho
i think ill go out and not find a job today
i got that income tax check coming
and the cards are sure to smile favorably upon me again son
and the architect next door is talking about me going out and doing surveys for him
taking pictures of buildings and measuring them and then entering the dimesions in a computer
that might be interesting to learn as i work
and its part time
the most important thing
part time
im not a full time worker
how can i spend 40 hours a week doing things for other people when i wont even take fifteen minutes to do the dishes or to pick up the place a little?
sung to that old beatles melody

"little darling,
i see you floating on your belly
little darling,
i think a periscope is near

here comes the sub
here comes the sub
and i say
its alright"

outlaws dont have jobS
the phony ass with the tatoos and long goatee and ponytail probably has a nine to fivE
in a friggin unioN
RADICAL
union wages paid for this posuers tatooS
as he walks into the bank on a friday morninG
prolly on his breaK
hes cool with or is the foremaN
far friggin out dudE
ill bet the pussy takes scheduled piss tesTs
thats out of controL

worse by far, a judge on a harleY
"i bought my attitudE, dudE
just gotta know where to shoP"
paid my dues, walked the line, didnt make any waves, got enough to drive a stripper into a cash fueled frenzy boY"

they call them "instant bikerS"
pick a fight with one todaY

42 is old for a neanderthaL
teeth dont last foreveR
the joints achE
what muscles are left frequently protesT
but we can live forever these dayS
oh goodY
a week of doing absolutely nothing productivE
and im almost through another trougH
id like to blame the weatheR
but thats a real pussy answer to a real question about my moodS
sure i could take the little pink pills that kill my boner and smooth out the mood swingS
but mood swings are so fuN
gloomy thoughtS
twisted logiC
boozy ramblingS
thats the fuN
or is the fun waking up one day sobeR
because you were too lazy to go to the liqour store the previous daY
waking up and looking at all the empty bottles on every flat surfacE
clarity is a good theme for the weeK
the haze was not as comforting as in the pasT
a haze of celebration is alot differenT
purposeful boozing, celebratory in nature is a fine thinG
and i did my celebrating of my poker prowesS
of my joblessness, yes, i love to be idlE
master of my daY
freedom to fail, to do nothing, to waste away another daY
we get extra days these days anywaY
with modern nutrition and medicine and a dearth of sabre tooths, grizzlies and other natural predators, the modern neanderthal is discovering grey for the first timE
ambition? whats thaT?
sounds like a trick to get me to work hardeR
not me, i work smarter, not harder, and when the job can be put off til tommorrow, thats when it will get donE
id rather just vegetate, meditate, hallucinatE
hallucinate that some perfect job exixts out there for me which will require my special blend of ornery neanderthal geniuS
ok its sprinG
time to defer to mother naturE
i just started drafting my newest personal aD:

ORNERY NEANDERTHAL GENIUS SEEKS SOFTNESS
hippy offsrring, bike rider,
42 and still playing rugby
appreciating abusurdity
spend a spring saturday in the sun and we will see

pop culture horror
my nephew, nine and his sister, 6 are singing along with the animated film ive put on to keep them calm and managable during my visit
tv was doing its mesmerising and enrapturing best
bright colors danced across the screen
familiar voices leant themselves to the project
and a fish learned about himself
all was well in the world
another relaxing afternoon in front of the cathode rays
let someone else do the thinking
then the horror show started
in this movie, a fish, voiced by will smith, has some issues he is resolving
typical formulaic crap
then "mr clean" mr i dont cuss in my rapping, im the nice rapper, im all american , im the friggin fresh prince of bel air, im wholsome destroyed my niece and nephews vulnerability and innocense before my horrified eyes
a musical number starts
it sounds familiar
the kids are into it
they sing along
selected lyrics......
"baby got back,
i like em large thick and juicy
gimme a taste of that bubble,
my anaconda dont want none unless you got buns hun,"
ummm
"what does he mean by anaconda uncle harry?"
"Why are you turning the tv off?"
"you just said a bad word uncle harry"
my cute little bubble kids
securer than any bank vault they are safe from the world
security ti tight aroun these kiids
my brother aint allowed to drinak around them and grandma must send a detailed email about planned activities a week in advance to the parents for their approval before they will even consider letting her near their golden children
but you cant protect them from everything
so now theyre singing "baybee got back"
sir-mix-alots finest effort
a booty fiesta, a celebration of the bubble butt
im so proud of will smith for teaching this to my 6 year old niece that
i just want to thank him in person
on a rugby field
he can hold the ball
ill be the one rucking vigourously