i destroyed someone
just because they were beautiful
at the first person spoken word contest last night
because i hold a grudge
because i am ugly and old
because i could easily do it
maybe destroy is too harsh a word
it was just a slap at a young pup
he was on my furniture
as were his parents at the last event
or at least too close to my space
his step dad, skeltor, didnt look like he'd taken any viagra this night
and i sort of felt bad at the look of the old porno stars as they left
but i felt i had to do it
i was in the company of someone amused by my evil nature
i played to her audience
and destoyed dude a little
sorry?
rage issues?
or purely becuase i could
purely because of his beauty
and my spite
i didnt script the remarks
if i was truly going nuclear,
i could have unleashed the awesome power of my national merit scholarship semifinalist vocabulary
but it was a whimsical thing
a fun thing
a thing i might be sorry for someday
but not today
today i am a badass
who rights wrongs
who speaks up for misguided justice
an idiot with a microphone and an audience
o wait
i was drunk
thats it
i had a beer
it was affecting my judgement
darn multibillionaire brewries
im the victim here

homeless musician
living the life
119 days since his last shower
talks about the end of his days on earth
will freeze to death on night in his car if the temp gets too low
donate him some cash for a sleeping bag
go to his homeless web blog
www.myspace.com/generalcchord3
see him play before he meets up with janis joplin and timmy leary in heaven jamming with jesus
if he doesnt play his music he doesnt eat
living the life of an artist
and he really doesnt smell as bad as i do most days
but him a beer at the khyber pass pub at happy hour
support the arts

i almost kissed a canadian at happy hour last week
she apparently likes a man with some meat on his bones
thats me
meaty, bonery
she was drunk to the point of extreme honesty
we talked about poker
she lamented the fact that i wasnt the type of man shed just go back to the hotel and fuck
i am the type of man that she gives her blog address too
im so lucky
but the obvious path now is to transform mself into the type of man whom women take home and fuck
instead of the schlubby forever dude vibe i must be giving off
women see me and think, yup, thats my last boyfriend
they have to ask themselves if they are willing to see this face at breakfast every morning
the one they want to hump forever
i need to join a gym and get the fuck me tonight look back
bristling with musculature
a brawny, sweaty lover who they may or may not ever talk to again
and of course this is yet another opportunity to quit drinking
another reason
another promise to make myself healthier
its a small change in attiude
especially with an aggressive campaighn of starving oneself during the day
one sensible meal at night
fruit and nutrition bars during the day
peanuts
tofu based meals at night
why not be a vegetarian too
why the fuck not
yeah
im almost sure the last one made a crack about my weight in our last conversation ever
that should be worth a little will power
im almost sure that spirits are made to be drank in celebration only
what am i celebrating tonight
woo hoo its sunday?
woo hoo its monday?

get the thought patterns right
frame the argument
use logic to reshape my life
actually THINK about my life and its direction for a bit
instead of the whole lazy zen approach of just letting life flow at me
around me
contemplate, plan to soar,
or at least get a little bit off the ground
change the course of the stream a bit
i declare myself unthirsty
stoical
maniacal
determined to enjoy one last renaissance in my 45th year of existence
when i finally got it together and the world trembled at the scope and sheer enormity of my genius
all bow down before the great self-actualized superstar of anonimty

You are what you say
You are the promises you make to your lover
You are the sum of your decisions
Words have weight
Thoughts are things
Real things
Tangible things
Words are truth
Especially those that are
Spoken to a lover
Naked truth
The trust that comes with the audacity of nudity
The very idea that you will be naked with a stranger
The suspension of disbelief
The idea that she is different
You get her and she you
Those words have added weight
Love whispers are the highest form of communication
until the betrayal
You are honest
You have integrity
Or you are full of shit.
Or perhaps
A retard
Saying the words that please
Instead of the ones that are true
A full of shit person will have a hell of a time with an honest one
Full of shit people are made to lie to each other
To build a world of lies and half truths together
To forgive each other ad infinitum
Ad nauseum
To BELIEVE their lovers lies
But how real is that
When each knows the other is full shit
My advice to you
Young believer in love
Is take heinr word for it
Trust her
Be the grasshopper, not the ant
don’t be practical
That aint fun
And if you find yourself in love with a retard
As I have
Understand some things about your beloved retard
A retard doesn’t know she is wrong
doesn’t understand integrity
Doesn’t know the power of words
Speaks so many, that words have less meaning, less power
Blah blah blah



you cant ask a person to think about their feelings
think your way to the best suited lover for you
not when an olde love is still lingering in the wings
temporarily beaten by your ploving styles
but whimpering in the background
crying on the steps
furtive visits to him at the coffee shoppe around the corner
she comes back in drawn
empty, guilty
thats when you should have exploded old romeo
when he was worming his way back into her epidermis
ringworm style loving
and she, with no resistance, no antibiotic
but no
you tried to be cool
which makes you the love retard
he makes her cry in the bathroom
a phonecall about a bloody discharge from his wang
at last proof that he is dying
as you lay naked in her bed
she says she has news that will make you happy
his impending death
you, the alleged victor in the love game
you, the love genius who asks her to just decide already cuz you can read the writing on the wall
shes getting torn up inside you can see it
and logic is overruled by love
logically you are the right selection
but he has won her heart and her pity and he needs her more
trusting her hard decision
once made
will be stuck to
will be honored

Maybe im the love retard
Loving a woman
Trusting a woman
Taking her at her word
Assuming that she has the same respect for words as you do
Assume away
Its fun until the crash
And suddenly
I want to play rugby again
To share
To give back
To such a giving world
Trust at your own risk
She may change her mind
Or maybe has previous promises in place
Previous promise of forever and commitment
The reasons might make sense to her retard mind
She may actually believe the shit she speaks
Because shes heard so much of it
She might be accustomed to lies and live lies as a result
Your world of truth is no match for her world of possibility
Where anything can be true
as long as someone says it earnestly

Loving a retard is a perilous journey
But how can you know?
How can you tell?
How can you both question and participate in love
Skepticism has no place
So trust
Until the chromosome is obviously missing
Just know the signs
Look for the logical flaws
If she says the sky is tangerine
Shes either a beatles fan
or a retard
Retards need love
just not yours
Retards need the love of a caretaker
Diaper changer
Puke cleaner
Avdinhonest Money stealing alibi maker needs a person with an income who wil belive the yarns he spins
hes alot more exciting than me
his death more imminent
he is edgier
closer to the edge
his suicide by bottle alot faster and more efficient than my own

My retard is an Apologist for alcoholism
The angel of alcohol
Saintly
saint B of the Bottle
its a disease
Hes sick
He cant help it
He loves two things
His angel of mercy
And his bottle of rum
A perfect circle
Redemption every morning
Oblivion every night
Wallowing in the piteousness of his life
Shes the only one who understands
Shes keeping him alive
hed be dead if it wasn’t for her
My retard is a hero
Noble she is
shes saving a life
Her love kept him alive
Her kisses healed his liver
Awwwww
CUNT
RETARDED CUNT ASS BITCH
Have a nice life with your junkie boyfriend
We can speak next at his funeral
Ill rent some mummers
So he can have a new Orleans style send off
With a Philadelphia twist
Will you join me for a keg party on his grave?Rsvp now
Only 175 beers in a quarter barrel
that’s a nice 20 person party
with JELLO SHOTS, O YEAH
The next 18 to rsvp are in
to rsvp post a comment on this blog
Im thinking Lowenbrau
If they still make it
Or even better yet
A selection from the Victory brewing company
The rest will have to watch the pod cast
Date, one week after the last shovel full is thrown on
We COULD tailgate the funeral home
Grill
Get some cases
Or
I could move on
Forget how perfect she seemed for me
Forget the retards words of love
And the retard eyes
eyes meant for losing oneself in
Forget the yogic climb
The directors chair
Forget how busses became amusement parks of love
i hope i am mature enough to move on
to stay away from her halloween party
a celebration of death
the death of our love
i will come dressed as a heart
that has been stitched together again
made whole
frankensteins heart
ill invite the young cuban, she likes adventure
and the junkie broad from around the corner
ill promise her oxycontin she comes upstairs for a few minutes with me at the party
and we'll all make out on her bed
but maybe im a bigger person than that
maybe im a fst healer
maybe this is the last time i write about this pathetically broken heart
maybe i finally get it this time
maybe the sky is tangerine
maybe this retard finally get the abcs of love
yeah
easy as one two three
abc
thats you and me
abc
a bonnie conclusion
a bonecrushing cameo
hello all
just stopped by in my costume to break some pussies leg
then im off
wheres the challenge in that?
i need a challenge
i wish i was the angry guy who copuld do vioence to a pathetic addict
i wish i could help him with his journey off of this mortal coil
but i'm not wired that way
im wired for the fantastic in life
im wired for impossible battles
which is why this hurts so much
i thought i overcame the ringworm
but he was tenacious
and laid his little eggs under her skin
tey started hatching and i was doomed
doomed doomed
so im back on the market ladies
step right up
buy a ticket on the doomed love express
and ill keep you out of my blog as long as you try not to hurt my feelings
thats a good deal

after a brutal week in the warehouse
i search my soul
ask why and how i find myself in this position
its the best answer i have right now to lifes questions
apparently i need money to live amongst people
no one yet believes in my dream
my dream to live on a string of couches
in a string of guest houses
a month a a time
a hundred hours of labor is what i offer
you, the capitalist, get me the worker
the consultant
the tutor
the babysitter
the gardener the cook
the lumberjack
the stablehand
the masseuse(GIRLS ONLY< SORRY HOMOS)
i have had every friggin job in the world
i may be the answer to your needs
we will find out in a months time
if you want more of my time, lets settle on a figure
with the rest of my time i can focus on getting my shit down
working the verbs
inventing an adverbial phrase or two
making nouns my bitches
catching up on the scribbled remains of what were once great thoughts
getting it down before the apocalypse
before the polar bears revenge virus hits humankind and wipes us out
a virus
deep in the permafrost
that becomes thawed as the icecaps melt
disturbed after millenia of frozen dormancy by first the russian oil explorers looking for oil bargains in the once frozen wasteland
then the american interests stir if up more
and then they blame each other for it as millions die
the key to the disease is found only in the blood of well fed wild polar bears
and theres only one of those
and he proves elusive to find
so they set out a team of commandos
led by darryl johston
wrestlings rock
of can you smelllll what the rock is cooking fame
he leads an international team of judo experts in a race against time
the russans are also pursuing this bear with their own team and snow mobile chases and oily carnage turn the icecaps black and then red with blood
with the russians infected and dying in droves and rioting, demanding that their govt nuke the usa because its our fault
similar events in the usa and in china,
they pit us against each other
hoping to pick up the pieces after a great war
instigating
president kasparov tries to hold off his hawkish old school russian dudes using every chess metaphor in his arsenal
what good is checkmate if the whole of the chessboard is a melted by atomic fire?
president schwarzenegger is in all his glory
founds the new NOT-C party
not communists
sounds like nazi tho to the israelis who try to assassinate the austrian oak
descendants of old nazi war criminals come out of hiding in argentina finally as argentina declares was on israel
and the chinese are behind it all
its written on some scrolls hidden in the great wall of china
written a thousand years ago
a patient plan
cunningly executed
and who will be in the sequel??

rugby world cup time,
so i leave work early to catch the game at the bar who sponsors our rugby team
a few others with flexible schedules make it and we are happily drinking and watching rugby in the afternoon
the beer tastes better
overtones of freedom in it
hints of self determining destiny
my job right now is an inelegant solution to living
it pays the bills
usually
but, at best im treading water

i made 16 K more a year as a teacher if i humped a sport or a club or some seminars into my schedule
then there were the vacation days
but the intensity of the classroom is why they give you all the time off
each child sucking more life from your bones
flesh long gone
excitedly yelping to the other wolf pups

"hey theres some marrow left in his femur"
before they excitedly yip and worry
and try to crack that bone open too
in principle the job is ok
but in execution its a shitstorm hurricane of paperwork
busywork
too much responsibility for the future
too much accountability to the state
too many spoiled kids with fatal apathy
each kid an accomplished tree killer
papers, which, to have meaning, must at least be glanced at
scribbled on with a pen
thought about
recorded in your grade book
incorporated into your next weeks lesson plan as skill builders
thirty of these paper killing machines
five to six classes a day
a hundred and eighty pieces of proof
when do you get to them?
so you retreat from that and wind up with this
on the surface a perfect job
as defined by dishwasher pete
the kind of job you can walk away from at any time
the kind of job where you decide on your way to work that you are going to the track instead
the kind of job where you have some energy left over with at the end for your own designs
the trick is to have designs in mind

to author your own master plan for life happiness

my old plan was pretty simple

my old plan gave me time to chill and think

my old motto was

"to be left the fuck alone"

and i have been pretty good at it

as my thinking has evolved

being left the fuck alone was a great place to be for the last few years

choas is a memory

thinking is clearing up

recent events have made my thinking change

the new mantra is



TRUMPETS

FANFARE



THE NEW MANTRA/GUIDING PRINCIPLE FOR MY LIFE



FOR THE NEXT FIVE YEARS



DIN DIN DAHHHHHH



to be left the fuck alone by most people

and to be naked alot with someone whose needs are easily met by a bumass neanderthal like myself

and to seriously do some writing





methinks i have to exchange the bottomless bottle for the empty page

maybe some sort of reward system

for every five hours of writing i get a night in a bar

that seems fair

ok
so after the rugby game in the middle of the day i wound up headed for atlantic city and a poker tournament with a rugby referee who was happy to buy me into it

he knows my skills

three of us sat down with pieces of each other

ten percent

and our buddy won so we broke even
poker god that i am, it coulda been me
but the dude caught a second pair on the river
oh well
more poker fun here

I have registered to play in the PokerStars World Blogger Championship of Online Poker!

This Online Poker Tournament is a No Limit Texas Holdem event exclusive to Bloggers.

Registration code: 2012304

playing online to see who the best blogger poker dude in the world is

they are all playing for second place

SOCK WARFARE
bring a bag of 2o to the BLACK LANDLORD SHOW

why socks?
listen to my favorite song
mea culpa
on the link above
NOVEMBER 5th
its a monday, pussies
PEOPLE STILL DRINK ON MONDAYS DON'T THEY???
be there or be a pussy

blogging at work
not giving a shit whose looking over my shoulder
here comes the manager
should i tell him to fuck off?
or close this window and pretend to work

oh so exciting

im about to retire to the back store room with my dom delillo novel
im on the last 30 pages
its about priorities
mine are in order i think
they wont miss me