the male turkey fans his beautiful and impressive plumage to win the heart, or at least a few moments ardor of the hen in his lifE.
babboons with reddest asses get the most asS.
tony bennet chooses crooninG.
me? ive got a negative attitude and low self-esteeM.
it attracts a certain type of womaN.
the kind who loves the taste of failure, who wants to do the goddess thing, elevate a lower being so as to ultimately crush him even lower than life already haS.
so you think you know what low is mr bakeowski, take a lil taste of this honey, yeah thats it, become addicted, yeah, there ya go, you are so special, so precioius so friggin sensitive....
so i feel i can tell you this....
i just got engaged
you were my side peice, my science project, my community service hours....
for you see, hotties, too, must balance their love karma, so we slum....
thanks for building up my balance, now i qualify for a relationship with a soap-opera star, or a REAL writer...
yeah, theres the ultimate denoument'
(dAy-nOO'-Ma) french, for artistic type ending i think
yeah, hes been in the new yorker
hes a playwright
he writes epic poems in iambic pentameter and has read the classics in their original latin....
and he weighs 400 pounds
has a sour body odor
and smokes
but his soul is so much purer
and his pain so much more real
and ima pain junkie
i guess thats the ride im getting on as i smile my way through hour long phone calls again
the threat of pulling a ralph wiggum lies under the surface of every conversation i have with a beautiful woman
ralphie with his valentine for lisa simpson
an engine
that says i choo choo choose you
to be my valentine
but of course the valentine means so much more to our sensitive porky tender heart than it does to that hottie lisa
sometimes hotties are just being kind
and the kindness is mistaken for interest
a natural curiosity about people, mistaken for getting closer
conversation misunderstood as spitting of game
it is the womans choice
when i meet the one ill know by the way we talk
when hotties attack
ill just be funny and honest
i may brush my teeth or bathe in an attempt at troll sexiness
maybe even a haircut
i might even be nude again in the next few months or so if a hottie makes a bad decision
thats what i am here for
helping hotties regret the morning after since 1985
two decades of experience in the hottie revulsion arena

ill just keep singing my deranged little love song
from my decrepit nest
in a lightning ravaged, rotting tree
feathers a bit mangy with a bit of dander
beak cracked and discolored
but still a bit too spry to be caught by any but the cleverest of predators
one migration/vacation away from spring and all that phoenixy rebirth jazz
secretly working on lyrics to happier tunes
hopeful little ditties and ballads that my vocal chords are working their way towards
feathers starting to grow in a bit in the bald spots
mind daring to hope
ready for the next meltdown
but betting on the longshots again
i hear the locomotive of love
rumbling down the tracks
my little dead tree trembles
on this windswept mountainside
will she choo choo choose me
or leave splintered wood and sawdust in her mighty wake
and who really gives a shit either way?

south philly rock on sunday mornings in late fall as the mummers do their rehersals under interstate 95 for three hour practice sessions of dancing and music
mummers everywhere, hundreds of them, something you cant find anywhere in the world but on two street
and in todays glorious sunshine i had a vision
MUMMER ZEPPLIN
a medley of the meatiest parts of dazed and confused, whole lotta love
guitar solos replaced by the fat horn section
drums replaced by big honking brass sounds
get me to the mummers general council
nothing says over the top like rock and roll,
just add some mummers sequins and feathers
and put everyone in long blond jimmy page wigs and you got something there
this is a party that must happen
its my vision
you always tell kids to aim for the sky
well now i know what i was put on earth to do
so the next few sundays, ill loiter around srting bands rehearsals and meet the band directors and pitch them the idea
maybe have a few sketches, pick the exact music out
mummers always need money
mummer zepplin could do shows every weekend
once they get the solos down
it would totally rock, dude
youd sell a million cds
it would be the cross over sensation of the millenium
THIS HAS TO HAPPEN
and im gonna need them to do a party for me or two
once i start entertaining people professionally
this is the music for my viking funeral pyre
as my kayak is launched into the delaware
like in my favorite film from elementary school
paddle to the sea
where someone carves out a wooden indian in a canoe
and throws it into a creek and it eventually makes it to the ocean past all manner of pitfalls that little wooden carved boats are prone to in our industrialized times
ill contact the EPA for permisson and clearances to set my body aflame and to launch me as the philly bank of the delaware is lined with mummers in their zepp-attire
mummers play my theme music and i head to valhalla and those hot valkyrie chix and towards my next incarnation
after i stain the world with my mark this time around
and no amount of scrubbing will remove that stubborn stain to the universal conciousness
maybe seltzer
yeah,
a splash of seltzer should do it
"there ya go
good as new, dear"
"that smell?
thats just some silly flaming dead viking funeral"
"ahh, the winds shifting
smells like bacon don't it?"

as if its not enough that i have a real job with real possibilities
i have met a real woman with real possibilities
a woman that may entice me out of my cave
the warm comfortable cave that i have hidden in for the last decade or less
a woman i could go goofy for
a woman to complement the man
that I AM AGAIN
that i may be the secret ingredient that someone needs for REAL FUN
or im tripping again
and thats okay
i will always trip and imagine
and hope and when i stop doing that please kill me
because if i knew
if i really knew
that life was a hopeless exercise
id go out in a blaze of glory
cinematic
channel 6 stuff
but im not that down
i never was
i was just typing the things i felt
thought
imagined
and maybe i was down
but soon i will be up
if they see
what i am advertising
a competence in the education arena
honed in the horrific
surviving the psychosis
learning from the un teachable
i will do this right
i will be a legacy
someday
thankyou cosmos for my latest last chance
i have the ball
i will not drop it
look out school
i have PART of the answer
you have the rest
and together
we can make some kids that think for themselves

heaven is my work address
i work as a sub in a school based on achievement
im there to help
im here to help
a friend put my resume in the mix
a resume i had fun writing
because i used to be the man
i used to be a strong teacher
a loved teacher
a worker in the fields of tommorrow
and i got a shot here
my foots in the door
lets see if i know this teach game
lets se what happens if i get a LITTLE support
a little encouragement
i will work cheap until i am indispensible
i will work cheap as long as i live in this shiite hole apt
and need nothing but a few extra rubles to be happy
and HELP
a school
and sorry if happy harry dont make interesting reading
this could be a great chapter in my life
my dues might be paid
its up to me to work it right
and be clear about my goals for the place
and help the way i can help best
its fun to be me tonite
i am not a fuck up now
i am the solution
i am here to help
my help is needed
my knowledge is a bargain
my experiences can only help
maybe this is my chance to fly
by helping others take wing
i have the shot i have hoped for
i have the skills
lets see what happens

OH SOOKY SOOKY
i gotta hat in the teach game again
at a skool that is for artists
and creative type kids
and i have paid attention to teaching greats when i saw them do their thing
and been amazed by their energy
i might be working on blooming here
where the winds carried me
it seems random
the skool seems like a perfect fit
they have a need
and i am actually qualified and in the right position
and maybe this is one of those cases
where preparation meets opportunity
and i wear a tie every day
and i dont mind cause its what they need
and if they ask me to do what my resume says i cam do
and the resume is accurate
no padding
just the facts
cuz i aint got time for lies
i am what i am
i am an abused teacher
on the rebound
just out of an abusive relationship with a school system and some thugged out kids
looking for fertile fields to plow
throwing the farmer john stuff at them
cuz in eighth grade my folkes moved me from the burbs to hickstowne USA
so they cant be more weirded out about school than i was
school changed on me
a few times
ill try to give them a constant
that they can use to factor their equations of life
with real stories of losers i know
most of them me
who failed and redeemed themselves
i know a guy who....
like the girl today
whose jacket smelled like reefer
but who acted like a normal kid
her jacket has been to some parties
and recently
like on the way to school
so i can only assume that her parent or guardian is a weedsmoker
and burned one on the way to school with her today
and her fluffy jacket saved the smell
it ok if your parents are potheads
i know a guy who thought he was going to reform school at your age
because of the nine foot plants in his backyard
and the kitchen full of hippies
but he turned out ok
he learned to not take his friends into the house when certain vw busses were in the driveway
and everything worked out
anxiety is the lifesblood of the middleschool years
you dont know shit
everybody pretends to know more shit than you
and your BS detector isnt active yet because the peer pressure is so strong as you try to figure out your identity
from a bouquet of choices
should i be goth or jock
gay or theatrical
farmer or yuppie
wigger or racist
headbanger or junkie
head or brain
dork or dorkette
pimply or absent
emotionally challenged or ADD
gifted or goofed on
it feels right
it feels like destiny
it feels like i can start the whole legacy thing
my rugby team
my writers guild
my chess club
my hardworking kids who just need a push
to do better at life than me
cuz they know the hard facts
and want to do it the right way
the fun way
the "im engaged in life's possiblilites" way

i lost another waiter job on wednesday
they said i cussed too much
on the fax to the boss with my hours they ysed the word profanity
i guess i shouldnt have told the christ loving manager that5 most of her employees were lazy motherfuckers
she told her boss and theres on more place i cant work
darn
but thats actually good news
one more brigde, aflame, in my rearview
no where to go but onward
and onward it was when the phone rang on thursday after three straight days and 30 hours on the clock for the man
out of 57 hours of life
my work to life ratio was off kilter
put me on busses and trolleys and subways for six to eight of those hours
and whats left
some sleep
some bowel movements
maybe some reading on the commute
and i am living to work
nah
i harvested some long hours
needed to get some cash for the man that owns this apartment house
to continue our relationship
they were lazy ass motherfuckers tho
i was trying to help the manager do her job better
by dividing the work up a little more evenlpointing out how a few were doing the work of the many
but she wasnt a star trek fan
didnt know spock death scene quotes
and was appalled that i would curse
oops
i was keeping it real
i was saying the things that all the temps were thinking
about the division of labor
but they werent socialists and did not want to stage a revolution that nite
so it was a revolution of one
and i am happy that my karma is no longer contaminated by the bad bad mojo in that slackers paradise
i would have picked up some bad habits
and forgot that hard jobs are my jobs
its my lot in life to do the manly type heavy lifting
everyone calls me when its time to move
old girlfriends
estranged family members
people i work with who think i live for beer
no problem
loading and unloading and lots of steps is like a rugby game to me
its cross training
you ok with that air conditioner?
yeah, just get the door
and maybe you could order some chinese or something?
rugby is a hard job where i live on the field
i live in the pileups
i live in the rucks
i live in the scrum
scrum is another word for "we fooled three troglodytes and promised them beer for putting their heavily muscled necks and backs into a few car wrecks today over the course of a couple of hours"
we will "support" them in this scrum thing and then run and prance and play while they recover and we force them to do it again
its pure male dominance
they try to push your neck and head down into your chest cavity and out of your ass
and you return the favor
which is why i dont get props that dont drink
self medicate
it works

a poem about caffiene

nothing as lovely
as a steaming mocha latte
on a crisp fall day.
freckled with cinnamon speckles
sweet and richly satisfying,
perfection in a cup?
but what cup could contain
this wondrous drink?
wisps of latte essense
escape into the world
as you watch,
beautifying every atom they touch
as they dipserse
into the brilliant sunshine,
which on this afternoon
has a rival.

the real state of the web log, non sidetracked edition, now with less caps.
before the diversion starts again i want to make the point i tried to make on my last posting. that this undiagnosed but very real bi-polar disorder that i think i have can be a great friend and a bitter enemy. guess which one i like more?
its easier to be miserable and sick and mopey and gloomy. thats what the world throws at you to confuse you. but even in the depths of self-recrimination and on the blackest of black days you can catch a sunset, or a thong or a have a conversation with a truly eautiful person whose spirit is as generous as her cleavage and everthing is ok for a few moments....the secret is savoring those moments and recreating them. i think. so i type the crap out and hit publish and these fleeting thoughts of mine are out there and a few months later someone will say im hilarious or that was you and then i cant help but laugh it up with them and instead of telling some comedians lame ass jokes we are talking about my lame ass life and it is therapuetic for me and i can now begin to see the top of the well.
now to start clawing my ass up the slimy sides.
this mania that i feel approaching may be the ticket to a new job, a cleaner apartment and a healthier lifestyle for a few months...
with diligence i may get a synergy thing going where my positive vibes feed on others and i actually start to smile and laugh and play...
welcome back to my world, spirit of fun.
why have you returned?
to taunt me and mock me before smashing me down again? so be it.
whatever my destiny is then ill do it.
ill do the time.
but if the time i do is HARRYTIME, (oops sorry about those oppressive caps again)
then look out world because harrytime hasnt really even scratched the surface of the possibilities that i seem to trip over everyday now.
something is changing, and whether that means im teaching english in korea, on a plane to vegas to learn about real estate with my dog bill on his dime and meeting his friends in the business out there, or taking this substitute teacher job at a catholic school that i find out about on monday, something is in the wind...
i smell it...
change.
i use this web log to amuse me and it does. on january 5th im taking the best parts of this to open mike nite in cherry hill and trying it out on a live audience and seeing if i can vibe off the crowds energy. i may try it out in town at the new spot that opened up i think its on tuesdays and if i go, ill let my little blog know first. so thak you little web log of mine.
i also hope to turn this little trickle of electronic scribble into something more tangible, some sort of commodity that i could perhaps entice some business with as a consultant to them in some capacity, i am thinking out now how horrible it would actually be to have deadlines and be productive and that and my lack of discipline are all that are barriers to my success. oh, and my laziness. i may be the type who always works for someone more focussed on dollars and sense than i am. thats fine.
im all for non challenging work as long as it keep the lights on and no one fucks with me. i am very good at and happy to amuse myself. i just need a little bit of help from time to time. so thank you to all the people who have been "loaning" me money in the last few months. when i start working steadily i will take care of you.
i will continue my pattern of spending most of my money as soon as i get it and you will get it as soon as i do. ive learned how to get by on 700 bucks a month here but there are still some frills in my lifestyle. deeper cuts have to be made, and we will. we at harrytime will make the hard decisions, like cutting alcohol out of the budget, if thats what we need to do to be happy and keep talking to people i like without money coming into the question.
like my boy the sculptor. hes a temp waiter who works "as little as possible"
hes my hero. he rents a studio space for 15o a month and sleeps on the floor. its a great hustle except when another artist is burning the midnight oil and loudly creating down the hall and he cant sleep. if they see him sleeping there he simply says he fell asleep after a nite of creation and that he was too tired to go home and its all good. maybe i need me one of them studios...
he took me to a cool party in a warehouse that was partitioned off and dude lived there for 200 a month. three of his four roomates were gay, so there might be some nights that the curtain strung across the huge open spaces did not give the dude the privacy he would have wished he had when the rave ended and the lovers came home and the headphones drowned out most of it but not the thump, thump thumping vibrations of the bed slammming, into the wall as his roomates practiced an act that is illegal in virginia, georgia and other progressive states who wont even let you marry a guy no matter how cute he is.
maybe thats why the rent is so low.
maybe its part of a recruitment drive the local sodomites are having.
that would explain the rainbow banner hanging in the hallway and all the posters of mr. sulu and the music on the turntable and yeah, its time to go.
dude should be ok there tho, hes young and strong
a rugby playing musician from lancaster who is only in philly until he outgrows it i suspect.
then off to NY, LA of maybe nashville to do some serious music apprenticeship.
his first gig is at the the place that sells bowls of cereal to rick kids at penn. its a chain. isnt it kicky?
a hoot?
you can pcik your cereal, your favorite milk and listen so some earnest singer songwriter tell his tale of self absorbtion, yes he eloquently expresses the pain we all feel at nineteen, fel;t at nineteen, when life was just so friggin hard...
like his roomates weiners when hes in the shower..
hes a new age blues singer

"taking a shower in a loft full of gays,
the sounds that i hear sure do amaze,
im an amish boy from the country
why cant they see,
that my religion does not approve
of their sodomy."

"i hope they dont touch me at night when i rest,
i often wake up with sperm on my chest
i hope its my own,
from a wet dream so sweet,
and not the result,
of a beating of meat,
"of a roomate so gay,
in this loft o so cheap"
my anxieties run very very very deep"
from the album
homophobia for beginners
by amish johnny
rugby records
2005
all rights reserved
and lefts too

STATE OF THE BLOG ADDRESS
adress is one of those words i walwayt hink i spell wrong, like gauruntee and buereau, but i digress...
and thats what his is all about, digression and following the little thoughtstreams that trickle through my brain as they occur and going off topic and seeing where the words flow, where they take me.
if i had more discipline i could do the whole novel thing where i just "put the characters in a situation and see how they react to it and the novel just writes itself.
if i had more discipline id also have money, hot water, heat and maybe a real job.
so this cosmic fuckup vibe is the one im riding at the moment. its the wave i caught. it where the thoughtstream wound up after babbling into that brook, becoming turgid in the great river of misery that is the human condition, eddying and becoming tidal as we draw near the ocean, NOW WITH LESS SALT
ye, homemakers, OCEAN LITE has 10 percent less salt than the old style oceans, for those of you with salt restricted diets due to hypertension, diabetes and other diseases brought about by excess consumption due to prosperity.
the secret is melting glaciers. yeas folks, we at global co have nothing but your interests in mind so we are melting those nasty useless icebergs with our excessive industry, cuting down all those nasty air cleansing forest...and so on...
i never finish anything...
if i was slick i could put a link in here to the article about soot in the polar caps and glaciers from unburned deisel fuel that is black particles, that absorb heat in the form of sunlight and make once sheer white places turn grey. as they absorb the light more melting entails and then the water goes into the ocean and messes up the salinity which is responsible for the gulfstream which is responsible for the climate...
but thats boring thoery, and im an alarmist who always believes the last thing i read, and anyone who reads at all can tell you that its always been a bad time to be a sensitive pesron. they call that art. so maybe the human race wont be wiped out.
maybe after the global decimation there will need to be a new kind of human who lives more simmply and maybe thats what i need to do, add my genes to the gene pool so that the future has a chance...
so for the good of the species i will have sex with any woman who is ovulating and wants to raise a kid to save the planet. a kid with this winner sperm i carry with me in my nutsack. a race of philosopher/warriors.
but we better get started qickly ladies, the dullards and idiots and the greedy and the ignorant have a huge headstart on us, but its not to late and with some serious serious fornication and an aggressive program of masturbation and freezing of my genetic gold we can all get there. THIS WEBSITE NOW SPONSORED BY FIRST NATIONAL SPERMBANK FOR GENIUSES. for more personal service come by 321 reed st and hit the top bell. and bring some wine if you are ugly. id better start working on that first deposit now, ohhh yeahhhh....

bikers started filing in, one and two at a time, until there were ten to fifteen strong. the bartender noticed too. she kept pulling her hair down, straightening it perhaps, maybe she felt it was too kinky or something. every five minutes or so she would be checking her hair out and yanking first one side, then the other. making sure that when she walked back to the cool end of the bar that her hair was as fabulous as it could be. no one noticed her hair. bouncing around back there in a blue sweater that tightened noticeably in two cabbage sized areas, a denim mini-skirt and knee high dancers boots.
i had arrived too late to get flashed, according to my dog bill. she showed her tits and pussy and everything. exciting things happen around bill. we did arrive just in time for pizza though. apparently this was one of the two dancers that went on the famous bus trip to the orioles game where there was much madcappity and high-jinxedness.
it was a nice nite in fishtown, the boys were excitedly watching their "stone cold lock" of the year coming in. fresno packed their wallets with 1600, 200 and 100 and the celebration was on. on the way to the bathroom someone handed me a pack of smokes and i was halfway handing them back to them when i realized the real surprise was in the pack and could be enjoyed in the privacy of the bathroom. the high spirits and enthusiasm for urgent, earnest converations was thus explained. they werent all just coming down with a cold due to the change in the weather, the sniffles they all seemed to have had thanks to scarface.
someone had a masterful heavy metal ear and picked all of my favorite jukebox songs from zepplin, van halen and the air guitar came out once or twice as we shouted conversation at each other because the volume knob was turned to eleven.
someones fiance called and he had to take the call out front on the sidewalk because of the massive amounts of rocking that we were engaged in and soon another followed suit with his ex, putting his kids to bed in boston i think. 45 minutes later theyre back and being ragged on hard.
the bartender/stripper had the door open and there was a new dude on the sidewalk out front. he didnt have a phone. he was glaring. he was sporting a different colored vest from the fellows in the back of the club. his was a stunning black leather number while the gentleman who bought the bar a round of drinks was denim clad.
big joe came in and said "we have to leave right now" and a minute later we were consoling the bartender and telling her we'd be back real soon as a new set of vests started to file into the bar.
how cute, maybe theyre discussing the toys for tots rally that they just had is what i was thinking. my mind all warm and fuzzy from last weeks big toy run that tied up traffic and thousands of bikers donated toys and tied up traffic on a beautiful saturday afternoon.
none of the bikers going into the bar had toys though. except for the one big joe said had something under his vest that made a sharp metallic "clack clack" as if a machine or tool was being made ready for use. thats when he urged us to vamoose.
maybe it wasnt a shotgun, but why find out?
maybe these bikers were "instant" bikers, pussy ass lawyers and doctors and bondstraders going thru male menopause, just getting together to dicuss how invigorating harley ownership is...
or maybe it was more sinister,
a viagra deal gone sour?
"you shorted me on the viagra man."
"and what are you cutting that crap with man, that shit was wack, my wood was not as petrified as usual, and now my secretary doesnt think shes sexy."

it was the best time to go at anyrate, there was another bar, alot more earnest conversations and laughter and cards til dawn in a smokefilled basement. mmmm, i love the smell of cigarette smoke in clothes. is that newport i smell in your hair?

went job hunting again yesterday
and pushed that non-drinking date back a bit
i rehearsed sobriety on the slow walk home from center city
a refrain that may just work
does baybee need his BABA?
do you need your crutch?
your familiar excuse/bestfriend?
is reality a lil to harsh for you pussy?
then do something
this stirring call to action didnt quite work out
mr thrifty took over
and mr reason
monday was a boozeless day and i was going a lil crazy trying to be lazy and inefficient
it was a struggle to stay unproductive
so on a more productive tuesday, vowing never to "waste" another of these precious gifts that GOD GIVES ME EVERY FRIGGIN DAY
thanks dude
what a treat
i went to bed a loser and woke up a new man
a loseer one day older but with possibilities
i got the addresses together
got my tokens out
grabbed a great book and was off to face the world
to rise to the challenges that life presented
and if neccessary to make lemonade
the first ad i answered was for warehouse help
and guarunteed 400 a week
and "as much work as you can handle"
i called earlier and was put off a bit by how rude the girl on the phone was
curt
what did the ad say?
thats what you get
when asked where the wearhouse was she said "on the main line"
which is old money territory,
not warehouse territory
but i ignored these signs in my greed
400 pays the bills
heh heh
ill get mad overtime
i can handle work
the ride will be a bitch but i can read and its will be great to get some steady cash
i find the place
and walk right
on the window is painted
executive marketing concepts
ive been scammed again
the furniture is cheap and looks temporary
there are big NBA and other corp. logos on the wall
adding credibility
but the application was short
and you were supposed to circle your area of interest in the company
there were five areas
inventory, marketing, and a few others
all that could be skewed by the clever ahole in the back
to make you belive that you could sell their crap for them
the only limit was your hard work
and attitude
dont let other peoples opinions drag you down
not neccessarily door to door
go to offices
"practice" on your family and friends
its a scam i did not once, not twice but three times with varying levels of belief
you could see the boxes of inventory stacked in the office
there was no warehouse
i did my best to warn the other applicants before i wasted another minute of my time
i probably should go back, all gung ho and waste there time
keep a secret log of their promises and come ons
except i lived that crap already
i dont know the details of their soul stealing scam is
but the gist is that they want you to sell your friends and neighbors and then theyre cool
they made their money
maybe you need to try harder
or attend a sales training seminar
or work on your attitude
remember every no is one step closer to yes
thoughts are things
nothing worthwhile is ever easy

so that was a bust
so was the security job fair
i think they brushed me off
i should still send in a resume
maybe i will

then i applied for a kitchen job and got blown off
she said my background seemed more front of the house
and referred me to another interview
which was in the lobby of a building i worked on while at the stock exchange
which means its a wash
i never want to see those money mad pricks again
it would not be pretty
or do i just fear success
a job with a growing string of restaurants would be keen
i could help them grow their business
be their GO-TOO GUY
yeah and before long i could help run a store
then open my own in another city yeah the dream is still alive here in philly
look out world
here comes a winner

the last time i had sex was in my thirties
in fort lauderdale on a rugby junket
things seem to happen when i am out of town
the pressure is off
i can concentrate my energies and marshall my charm and leave the next day with promises and tears and wonderfullness is again reigning in the land
something in my makeup requires that a woman be some kind of impossible for me to be interested in her
something has to be wrong
with me
with her
with the timing
with her being married
with her being a dude
with me not working
or shes a cousin
or engaged
or having cash or my smell
my lack of car, future
some impossible scenario where our love overcomes the obstacle
even if just for a night
the whole geographical thing works the best and i feel freer to be myself when i am out of town
i spit my best game in impossible situations
and to unattainable womenfolk
plus theres something about seeing a loser in his own habitat that makes the dork brother in law more appealing
hes got a job
he bathes
he goes to church
has a car
and the thing is i coulda gotten the booty sometime in the last few years if my senses of irony and justice were not so highly developed
justice in the sense that i have been darn close to those words of forever you speak when you find your hunny bunny
have spoken that idiotic babble
i have nauseated strangers with my bliss
ive been the perfect couple before
inseperable
saccharine
cute beyond words
i also tried to nurse another hottie through the loss of a parent and watched her sink into deep depression that no amount of hugs could dent
for a while i was an overage college student in a dorm
my access to booze and rugby physique made it an amusement park of poontang
and as a bartender i ran into a few distressed goddesses along the way
i have had my share
maybe more than my share
so this dry spell is no big deal
and i can sit back and wait for destiny to finish the story
while i catch up with the back stories here
and peck them out
before my brain turns to mush
like a real americans should
thats why i recommend ten hours of reality tv a day
its more real than you life
and they dont notice the cameras at all
nope
no one is playing to the brainwashed hordes
they FORGOT THE CAMERA WAS THERE
just like the strippers sometimes forget that the are performers sometimes
yeah it was right after you left
they locked the doors and we stayed all night
it was wild
for some reason we all had to sign a release
and after awhile we forgot there were cameras there

i found out where the bums crap last nite after staggering out of a limo and losing my bearings
halfway across weedstrewn lot that noticed the unmistakeable aroma of human excrement
not quite as bad as the overflowing toilets at woodstock
i avoided those foul puddles of noxious nastiness that later became ammuntion in mud fights for the truly twisted
projectiles of filthy mud that flew towards the crowd of gapers egging on the drug maddened mud and feces soaked tribe from time to time
they were alot of fun in the moshpit later too, before the fires
if you put that many people in a stockade and charge them 4 bucks for water all weekend in augusts broiling sun, some shit is getting wrecked
tearing the plywood walls down was a blast, but burning them was even blastier
but this aint about woodstock
this is about why im going to give my liver a break for a few months
halfway across the lot i knew i had stepped in something nasty but headed for the railroad tracks instead of turning around and stepping in something else nasty
i shuffled my feet in the gravel for a bit and the smell lost some pungency
feeling and smelling like a winner i started to follow the tracks
and noticed they went on forever
following interstate 95, carving gentle arcs together into infinity
a mile or so later i figured out i was lost and looked for a break in the weeds under 95
there was no break on my right
just a big fence and hundreds of railroad cars and devices to move them cranes and giant M looking things and truckbodieso
i made my way under 95 again and thankfully this time i didnt walk through the homelesss restroom area
began a bit to reflect on things in a serious way
this was not a james bond moment
no suavely ordered martinis
lets see what happens when i treat my old pal alcohol like hes been treating my head some mornings
like hes been treating my internal organs
i dont particualarly care for the smell of human feces on my favorite shoes
so just like i had to return that dog to the pound when he ate my special bag of healing herbs
im gonna have to put this old friend away for a stretch
no parole til 2006 or so

waiters and bartenders like to take the edge off reality
so i hang out with people with substance abuse problems
alot
and by association i sometimes bond with them in unhealthy ways
which is why i stopped tending bar ten years ago
driving home at sun up
getting coffee with commuters after a long night at the after hours bar
and doing things that made you awake
despite the alcohol
i reflected
and decided that falling asleep at the wheel at 7:30 wasn't for me
i quit the biz as soon as i got a sub teaching job
it was w healthy decision
it was a good move
the father that hit me sith a heavy wooden chair at a parent teacher meeting and ended my first stint as a ghetto teacher was a distant memory
pouring drinks for addicts, talking to them, bonding with them for filthy lucre' was far worse than physical abuse and the job put me right at ground zero for degenerate behavior
i will soon try to end the drinking thing
its not really paying off
in college drinking made you cool and made hot women like you for a few hours
as an adult, it carries some sort of negative connotation
people are so judgemental
i will drink until my brain gets bored with it
which will be soon
thats why i dont have a tv
its boring
obvious
transparently conditioning
i do not need conditioning
my hair is wild on its own
like my brain
there are a few shows that dont make me barf
but when i think of the hours i wasted
watching some regurgitation of reality
some simple stupid somnolent offering
no
not me
i will not be bored without renumeration
watching tv is like a job
with no pay
i do miss the simpsons
but i will catch up with my man on dvd someday in someone elses place
i just dont think that a box that spews false values
alienation
and consumption
has a place in a rational thinkers home
i try to be rational
its all you friggin weirdos that make me rage
cant you see the scientist with the cheese?
arent you hip to the fact that capitalism is a mass delusion that cannot be sustained?
that your rabid consumption is killing the world?
im just hanging around to see what mother nature does to all your asses
it should be interesting
on the other hand
puppies are fun
god is my friend
ande there are beautiful people walking around every day on the same streets as us ugly folk
just the other day i followed a fine young thing in thin grey sweats for a block or two
she kept checking herself out on the reflections in shop windows
she had stealth underwear, it was all her
jiggly
wonderful
getting a little fat as she aged but still hotter than an eclipse on mecury
i almost followed her, but felt creepy
and imagined that i was cool enuf and monied enough to talk some game to a girl that spenda alot of time on her appearance
and needs a comparable loveman
but thanks god
and thanks narcissistic women who strive to look hot
it makes my walks happnin
it makes life tolerable
it celebrates the life force
it spurs me to provide a batter looking body for their visual enjoyment
heck
i might start running again
just for the hotties
to help the world by being as pretty as i can be
because its all about perception
and i perceive me as cooler than the world does
because im retarded

COOL PEOPLE I KNOW
my uncle eric was politically my opposite
i think we never really talked politics
thats impolite when you are drinking and at most other times
some things are just felt
and i felt that it would be alot of raised voices if we talked about those things
i lived with him for a week or two
in his tiny apartment across the street from the dog track in jacksonville
we'd play chess and sometimes i would win
he was alot like my aunt kitty
the quaker
whe it came to drinking
they professed moderation
when it was me drinking with them
uncle eric would let me have a shooter
jim beam and ice
sometimes a second
when we played chess
aunt kitty would allow me two beer before dinner and one with
when i was a truly young lad
you want another shooter? hed say
when his was gone and the answer was always yes
i went to college
im part irish, part german, part bacchus
drinking means you get to sleep sooner
the best time there is in life
the dogs did not run the way we wanted them too
but the chess was the thing
he had trained his kids to be chess ninjas
every time we played at my grandfathers beach house i would get smoked
because uncle eric played to win
i went to college and learned ghetto chess
timed chess
chess for money
snatch free pawns
weak move
when in doubt send a scout
so i held my own ten years later
but the funnest and best times i had with my uncle were on vacation in south carolina
we played knock rummy all night
for pennies
he was apparently the best player on the aircarft carrier
the one he swam to thru eel infested waters
eels everywhere
ransomed for icecream
after he ditched his plane and was picked up by fishermen
his whole brood are/were great swimmers
some kind of genetic blessing
anyway
we were drinking cheap beer til late late late
and i took him for 3 bucks
i wish i had the picture
this was a man so focussed he bullied cancer for decades, thru surgeries, angioplasties
he was too mean to go out early
a real fighter
one of my few tough guy heros
visiting his family was a list of rules
we cant do that
thats unacceptable
and the kids all called him sir
it was quite a change from my hippy upbringing
the kitchen full of smoke
the nine foot plants in the garden
the marches
the camden seventeen
his favorite saying was
GAWDAMMIT
at least that is my perception
but when we played knock rummy into the wee hours
and he talked of strafing musk ox and maybe elephants
the details are hazy
i recognized the tought guy core that makes my psyche sing
the dude you dont want to rile
and maybe it was a facade wut it was an enjoyable one
he got kicked out of college for drunken hijinx
which was related over dinner with my mom and dad and his new wife and i saw in him the same guy i see in the mirror these days
an aging tough guy
a greying badass
someone not to mess with unless you want to experience painful moments
a warrior
a philosophe
my gene pool
and i know what side of the family my inability to deal with idiots comes from
my alpha male stuff comes from my germanic side
my sensitivity comes from my dad
my dissillusionment comes from paying attention to the world
my hangover comes from bad wine
COOL PEOPLE I KNOW
part I
more to follow

a waitress was arrested for peeing in the street on her way home from the job we both got drunk oN. she went to jail when the pills she mixed the wine with made urination on a public thoroughfare seem like a good idea to heR.
shes alot of fun to work witH.
this gig was on a friday nite andin her words, :fuck it its friday im gonna party"
no pills for me tho, oh welL.
always the bridesmaid, never the bridE.
this chica is married and just does the waitress thing for fun moneY.
I wonder if she got paid for that nitE?
i dont see why not, she did put the hours in, the street cleaning came later in the evening when she was off the clocK.
someone get her a lawyeR.
how did she manage to get so blasted with 5 managers working on the job that eveninG?
the same way i did, have the bartenders, who also hate their jobs and may also be alcoholics as well, pour wine into empty soda cans and take the now wine-laden soda cans out back fer a lil drinky winkY.
she was loud, towards the end of the nite, but i never saw the pee thing cominG.
i thought she was a veteran partieR.
you never can telL.
she looked like the type who maybe danced at a strip club when she was in college and talked like a sailor, so one would imagine that she would be able to handle a few percasetts, but you never can tell no can yoU?
amatuer alcoholics give functional alcoholics like myself a bad namE.
hell, im a much better waiter whne in trashed because it quells my violent thoughts and makes me happy to be at worK.
i have the perfect job for an alcoholiC.
think of her resume
reason for leaving last job
pissed in the street after work an poly-substance abuse
maybe i am not the biggest loser in the world
but i know some of them

support my alcoholism by buying my valuable stuff on ebay
if you copy this into your browser you can see my first item up for bid

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&ssPageName=ADME:L:LCA:US:12&item=5631459442

or do an ebay search for free luch guerilla dining

busdrivers on strike so i gotta walk 32 blocks west and 8-10 blocks north to get there. 40 blocks, 4 miles or so, but i have an ace up my sleeve. I walk diagonally as much as possible, right down the middle of the street but on an angle, between traffic, because the shortest distance between two points is a straight linE.
ill leave an hour before work, if i cant walk 4 miles in an hour, so be it and im late, and soo sorry about it toO.
the secret to walking diagonally is to always be walking directly toward your destination at all times, not at right angles to your destination like the city planners would have you dO.
even a slight angle saves ten or more steps each block, and that adds uP.
when crossing the major thoroughfares is where it is essential to stay aligned with ones final goaL.
another week booked as a temp waiter, oh yeah, my life is working out soo righT.
im leaning towards leaving the country and teaching english in the easT.
asia might be good for me, soak up a culture where they respect educatorS.
plus, apparentl, i would be quite attractive to women who love freaks over there and to those who would pursue a green card and free entree' into this fabulous country with gold lined streetS.
japan would be cool and i actually have a contact, friend of a friend who runs a monastary and does the zen thinG.
which might be good for me for a whilE.
focus on my navel awhile instead of revengE.
like i do noW.
i may have to do a little revenge practice i call 'sleeving' tonitE.
thats when i am irritated with your treatment of mE.
and i find your jackeT.
take it into the restroom with me, turn a jacket sleeve inside out and wipe my ass with it, repeating the same proceedure on the other side with my ballS.
the smell is concealed by being on the inside of the jacket and it is only after wearing my scent for minutes and hours that they start wondering where that smell of ass is froM.
i dont want to do this, i want to be left alonE.
but small-minded people keep pushing my buttons on their little power tripS.
i merely even the scorE.
i might even be the guy who says to them, "dude, you smell like ass" while we all walk away from work togeher, almost like we are friends or colleagues, sharing some bonding moments after a hards days toil togetheR.
and the target of the 'sleeving' wonders two things, "where is that smell coming from?" and "why are the other waiters all cracking up so merrily?"
i will right the scales of justice if fucked with so don'T.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED
time for my walk!