music can save your life
it saved mine
i was out of bed at an ungodly hour
showered, cleaned my crevices
put on my last clean pants
undies still damp from the oven
kissed the naked goddess goodbye and did something unatural
headed to work
but not without a tune or two
to change the mood from black to grey
the songs about calling in sick
i play it twice

"i dropped my voice,
told the man i was ill,"

"i dont know whats come over me sir,
he said,
NO PAY"

i head out the door
singing the chorus
about not answering the phone or the door
and buy the paper still humming

if the bus had been on time id be mr commuter
but the day was so crisp and lovely
the girl in bed so comely and funly
the job so dreary

its the last day of work anyway
i was taking next week off
why bother with the suffering and torture today
my tiome is better spent looking for the next job
yeah
ill go back to bed
check out the jobs online
maybe drop off a rezzie or two
make a call
pay a bill
get shit done
my time is way to valuable to be working for someone else
reclaiming precious hours of my life
today is a bonus day
the air, sweeter
the birds, merrier
the foxes, hotter
especially the naked one in my bed
who said she had a sense that

"you'd be back"
so shes a terminator script moment tense and subject shifting beauty
is it just for terminator movies, her psychic gift?
or is it all schwarzenegger movies that she channels?
ill have to monitor the situation carefully

to do list/day off/12-28-06
1. monitor gals speech patterns for schwarzenegger movie lines with subtle shifts
of tense and subject.
2. check craigs list for jobs
3. update resume
4. call to see where lost UE check is
5. register with temp service
6. learn a little web page design
7. write
8. kiss
9. hug
10. repeat #'s 8 and 9

thats a more productive to do list than what my corporate masters would have me do
i am the human embodiement of government regulation
specifically the no child left behind legislation
someones got to read and grade all these tests
thanks for the job georgie!
all day in a cubicle
staring at a monitor
evaluating hundreds of young lives a day
falling asleep
sweating and restless
hateing every minute of a day that oozes by
fecal slime-like
the toilet that overflows slowly
so you see the shit rise
can do nothing as it slowly approaches the rim
all you can do is think about what a mess it will be
all you can think of at work is what a mess your life is
that you are doing something they havent written the computer program for yet
cuz kids handwriting is terrible
and computers can read it or judge it yet
a monkey could do what i do
a clever monkey
but not terribly clever
an above average monkey
reading on grade level
could do it
my day is better spent pursuing my own destiny
than the presidents
yeah
taking a day off work as a political stand
y ethics prevent me from working
cuz tax dollars will buy bullets
and im not in the mood to shop for bullets today
all shopped out from the holidays i guess
i dont want to make a nother purchase
someone else will have to arm the unwilling iraqui police today
im getting back into bed with the naked moon goddess if its all the same to you

the ancient warriors eyed each other warily
the campaign paused
the battle frozen, briefly
was that a shot fired?
how would attila respond?
atilla shrugged and poured herself more coffee
fingers relaxed off of triggers
safeties were placed back on
brows were mopped
relief was sighed
saddam changed the subject
tact prevailed
but grudgingly
salvos of the sort that were just ignored had ignited decades long battles
epic tests of endurance and acrimony
holy warriors on both sides of the DMZ
burning with righteous justice
zealous in their defense of their holy ground
and in kitchens and living and dining rooms all across the country
the spirit of the season prevailed
saddam passed attila a plate of christmas cookies

drinking again
2 weeks of sobriety
ruined
by a job
i had to adapt
booze is wrong for me
but so is working for assholes
so i had to adjust my head to the job world
or
go
crazy
so the deal is i gotta submit to torture
until i progress to a non torture position
after years of kissing ass?
hmmm
id rather be broke
i dont need a boss
if i call you boss
please understand it means
asshole mother fucking douchebag
but its time for bed
i hope the shit wears off
i hope the valersian root and milk take hold
cuz its 1 am and work is son
but i can zombie it
they are only paying zombie wages
so they get one
pay me more and i act like a human
you get what u payf for

how do you use your gift of life?
blackness awaits you
no matter how profound or witty
we all wind up as wormfood, shark food ar ashes in the air
stars burn out and die
most of the heavens is void
it is an exception to the norm to be alive
dead empty cold space is the general condition of things
life is a privelige
so how do you
privileged of the most priveleged respond?
people need help
you needed help
if your parents didnt feed you
you are fucked
if your parents fed you false values
you are one of the assholes that is a problem in the world
but its ok
we will eat you when the shit comes down
me and my cannibal anarchist army
so tas
tasty with pilates marbled flesh

anyway
i work again
reluctantly
understimulated
i could do more but what?
the paper chase is unreal to me
any time i want to i can head to atlantic city and be a better poer player tha average
but it seems wrong
taking advantage of the stupid
but thats capitalism for ya
i someone can get marbles for 5 cents you can be sure hed love to sell them for ten cents all day
getting over on the world
but the starving dont care about that
the one who eat dirt soup
or grass
or bark
so im not them
im priveleged
i can do anything
yet i choose to do nothing
because it seems so fucked up
why try?
the assholes win in the end
after they put the bullet into the brain of the leader
sending a messge to the people
dont lead
leaders dies
folllowers survive
whas your choice?
suopport a corrupt system by participating?
or ride the freights
town to town spreading the virus of hope
yeah
hope
thats a winner
ultimate power doesnt corrupt ultimately
it just changes ones perspective
one becomes smarter than the common man
a kindly caretaker
the old guy pottering around the estate
watering the gardens
what happens when the gardeners revolt?
when theyve had enough?
self interest versus the good of all
mel gibson had it right in braveheart
freedom
how are you free?
what do you do to stick it to the man?
do you join the elite or spit on them
your choice
have fun in hell

starvation
or inebriation
its all the same to me
someone told me hemingway thought starving focussed his mind
and im a fat bastard anyway
i couldnt get up on the surf board on thanksgiving
too much beef
it was nice paddling out beyond the breakers at dawn
and watching the sun come up
commuter trains heading to LA
ahhh
a trio of dolphins swam by me on the second morning
pelicans fly by at wave top level
as if on a strafing run
and if you are far enough out
you can sit up on the board like a pro
and never catch a wave
chilling out as it was meant to be done
chilling like it was my job
but for optimum surfing enjoyment i gotta lose like 40 pounds
so ill cut out the booze and most carbs
booze is easy to quit when you are such a legendary and accomplished drinker
im not as thirsty as i used to be anyway
whe bottomless booze pit is filled in
maybe even exercise a bit
starve every other day or so
eat a shitload of greens
and become ready for the next and perhaps final trip west
why wouldnt i want to surf all the time
if im working a crappy job
why not a crappy job in paradise?

me and my bro
a few years ago
before the government relocated him
like the indians

they couldnt handle their booze either

the cops decided he could not roam freely in PA

he doesnt look that menacing to me
but im not a cop
theyre easily menaced
like mr wilson
dennis' neighbor
i mean look at him with the bat

hed never plough into you at a high rate of speed due to poor judgement and excessive alcohol consumption
not intentionally, anyway

cooked some tasty tasty greens the other day
left the juice in the crock pot
seemed a waste to dump the dark green stuff
a waste of vitamins
i come back after a few days in the country
and my mouse problem is solved
two bloated floaters in among the onions and stems
two tiny drowned critters
at least they died in nutritious waters
and not at my hands
you cant pin their deaths on my mr mouse district attorney
i have a track record of live capture and release of previous mouse room mates
these tiny roomies are easy to catch if you have a few hours some night
all you need is the patience of a statue
and one of those quart containets from chinese soup
they are noisy critters
then its just a matter of stalking them
removing the bags one at a time
sitting on the floor
spread eagled to prevent escape
but they are fast
and now one is on your bare leg
and it tickles until you swat it off and catch it in the container
slip a file folder underneath
and take him for a walk outside
release him in the wild
go catch his brother
id reccommend bare legs because when i wore proper pants on made his way up my pantleg
thats what they do
they like tight dark places
then the mouse is at your knee
then you better start dancing
because he smeels the cheese now
the from unda cheese
fromunda my balls
and hes a hungry mouse
and now hes at mid thigh
better shimmy
better shake
to catch a mouse you have to be smarter than a cat
cats arent rocket scientists
except for the one on itchy and scratchy
hes pretty smart
so if you know a mouse is on your counter
and he doesnt see you cuz hes under some sort of debris
(i know thered be less mice if i had less debris
but why you gotta hate on me?)
so take your spaghettis box
line it up along the wall
mice love to run along the wall
now remove the debris from the non box side
soon the mouse knows hes not alone and he must run
he wont run towards the noise
he runs too safety
the spaghetti box is dark
they run right in
throw these mice out of the window
mice can fly
they are so light they catch air
and never reach terminal velocity
mice never splat
they glide
try it sometime
they might hit a little harder that the PETA people like
but they live thru it

_-----------EXCERPTED FROM THE UPCOMING HOW TO BOOK---------------

jp knoph publisher
2006
"Karmic Housekeeping for the Deranged Hobo"

When i First picked up the latest how-to book from the good people at Knoph I was a bit put off by the title. What possible use could I, a world renowned Book critic, have for tips from a hobo? I mean, I don't live in a railroad car, criss crossing the country, sleeping under the stars when it's nice, or under bridges when its not.
But a gig is a gig, so I read on. The genius of the book is that it speaks to everyones innner deranged yet karmically sensitive hobo. Everyone has one. If you remember your Freud, from his last and most controversial book when the cocaine addiction was ravaging and savaging his cortex, theres the ID, The Ego, The super ego
and the deranged inner karmic hoo or, DINKH for short.
The DINKH, Freud posited, is your primal self, even ..."IDDIER than the ID" in Frueds words. The DINKH controls what the ID does and does not do. It goes primal and then thinks for the previously percieved unthinking center of action and pleasure in the brain. It is thought that this area of the brain developed when neanderthals interbred with cromagnon in a pathetic chance to survive evolutionary trends. You see, the neanderthals were the worlds first hippies. Communing with nature and living all groovy with their sabre tooth tiger pets in caves, kinda like the flintstones, with no dinosaurs. Then along come the cromagnons with their technology and thweir money and all of a sudden these adorable hippies with their unibrows are being emminent domained out of their caves and the whole world starts its process of gentrification. The hippies were doomed, so they ran across teh icecap/land bridge to america and turned into iroqoius and aztecs and hiod out in the new world all living with nature and free loving it until the white man invented boats and suphillis and guns and smallpox and genocided them off the continent with their god telling them it was all hunky dory as long as the church got some.
And that briefly is the DINKH, as Freud saw it. The unconcious mind of the un concious mind. The inner hippy. though when freud was around the hippies hadn't tapped into their hippiness and werent hfully realized so he called them DINKHS.
So basically, this book should be called housekeeping for hippies, but that would never sell to the academic world or the wide audience of the deranged in this country. I'm all for money, so I'm not gonna hate on the author for this. It was probably the publishers idea, anyway.
Other than how to deal with mice, other chapters deal with doing your laundry in the shower, sticking it to the man(cro magnon that it) at every opportunity and a great deal of tender loving hippy sexual secrets, the theory being that fucking is free and you dont have to pay taxes on it so it is the last true expression of humanity left to you in the world. You have to buy clean water if you want to drink clean water and there are even places where you can buy air or filters for the toxic air that if you dont have them you get emphezema. So the only thing you can do is to fuck fuck fuck.
I was impressed with the book when i read it all the way thru. I overcame my initial disgust at the idea of living without money as much as possible and working as little as possible and as a reult this will be my last book review. I will no longer sell out to the man. I will no longer be a tool of the oppresive economic regime. I will live off the land like my neanderthal bretheren. Do not read this book if you are satisfied with your life. It will change your life with its informative viral logic. It will actually change the way you think, infecting your logic centers, making you want to smoke dope and get fucked. Making you question your pathetic workaday tool like existence. It will make you want to live like a true human being. SO don't read it unless you are ready to live differently for the rest of your life. It is quite possibly the best book and most important book ever written, and i would know, im the foremost...wait i was the foremost book citic uin the history of the world and now i dont even capitalize any more
losing control of my punctuation skillz now
too
regressing to thought bites
little phrases only
thats the power
feel the power of the hippy side of the force
dont sell out like ben and jerry did
just BE man
just Be
just b
and fuckalot

the phone rang
i answered

now i have to be somewhere on monday for 8 hour
and they will eventually give me money for clicking a mouse

its up to me to remain sane
to stimulate myself
to survive this exposure to the work virus
i must condition my mind
must locate a fat bag of good ganja
and smoke my brains out
so by monday im converted to the DUDE
as in
dude
this job sucks, dude
dont i know it, dude
i had a great vacation from reality
courtesy on the state of PA
my genius grant runs out this week
and the phone rings
the torture seeks me out
someone in torture central notices a soul,
too happy, too carefree

"boss, looks like we got one in sector 7"
"wait a minnit, wait a minnit, his satisfaction level in life is way off the charts for an unemployed loser, WHATDAFUCK?"
"seems like hes found some sort of life cheat, sir, and has adjusted his expectations of the universe to masochistically low levels"
"fuck, we'll never get him to stop smiling when he gets free money in the mail"
"ok end the free cash, give him a job and bitchify his girlfriend 13 percent"
"but sir, he likes bitches"
"exactly"
"oh you're devious sir""thats why they pay me the big bucks, lets see if hes ready to be the worlds finest and most patient and understanding man in the universe after working a full day with morons in a mindless repitious black hole of hope....Let's see what happens then..."
"it is an honor to work with you sir"
"carry on, jenkins, check out sector 12...."

The work virus
cured by the injection of rugby into my life
repeat when neccessary

i feel bad for my oppponents if i have a job when rugby season starts up
ill have much anger to process
rugby is rage processing factory
in goes all lifes petty frustrations and indignitites
out comes a human being
you cant seriusly expect me to walk around with all that shitin me no can you?
thats where the blood pressure spikes
thats where the toxins accumulate

im far to sensitive to come out of the workday unscathed

im very scathed
daily scathings
sometimes the skin just sloughs off my bones
like radiation vicitms in hiroshima

now thats a book
hiroshima
a gay romp through a post bomb japanese city
see the wonders of technology
see imperialist aggression stymied
up close and personal
see the communists cringe
see them wonder if we would also drop this on paler complected peoples
see america shine
perhaps our finest moment as a superpower?
hiroshima follows a doctor thru the rubble and tells what he saw
it may be written by john hersey
i forget
and now that ive officially lost focus
oh yeah
work sucks
but the rent must be paid
so the genius must submit to having the boot of financial oppression placed upon his neck again
the genius should craft a better exit strategy this time
the genius should craft a softer landing
cash aquisition mode
time to explore my welsh or irish heritage
whichever is cheaper
or is that the scot?
damn
damned by birth to be a spend thrift
BUT
BUT BUT
i could put the cash i save by not drinking into a can somewhere
thats roughly 50 a week if im drinking at home
double that if its out on the towne
so lets see
call it 75 bucks a week save by not drinking
how many weeks until i could quit working forever?
300 a month
3600 a year add in the plane ticket
three and a half years to save ten grand
then its off to mexico
where they live on 200 bucks a year
i know a chica whose momma might let me hide out for a while
until im done hiding
maybe in exchange for some hard labor
oh yea, a new dream is born
now all i gotta do is talk the chica into it
meet the momma
charm her with my megawatt smile and surly personability
and the world is MAYAN
become a maya
eat sacramental mushrooms
become a mystic live in the hills
maybe in the sierra madre
its all fits together
its so perfect
my destiny, finally
ITS ABOUT FUCKING TIME FATE
THAT I REALIZE MY LIFEQUEST
SHIT
WHAT TOOK YA SO FUCKING LONG???