cool art here

Captain McKeever's widow gave us strict orders to toast him

so i played by the rules this time
to see how the other half lived

his drink was dewars on the rocks with a peach
so i toasted about a half a loaf of bread or so
never having met the man i attended to deliver a big hug to carla
from my ma
and rep the family

i was filled with a sense of loss after the eloquent and tearful speakers
sounds like he was a genuinely great man
deeds he did, this guy
a spring of kindness, was he
a spring which had to flow into the delaware river
where we all threw rocks and shells while thinking kinds thoughts of him
which was a cool touch

some sort of genius alchemist
turning napkins into money
id like to learn that trick
i can dream about polar bear catapults
he'd probably be selling them in a week

i was by far the ugliest person there
good looking people all over the place in that room
i delivered the hug and was sad that my mom couldnt see carlas face light up

it was a fine sun spackled day by the river
there was joy aplenty
he went out as he chose to
and left a legacy of stories that would make a great book i think
they should get a case of scotch and a tape recorder
and sit around for a long weekend somewhere
maybe on his birthday something
get it all down
extend the truths
every one telling the tale would have to add in their own lies
thier own stretching of the truth which he was the master of
put the tape on paper and you have a real life indiana jones at sea
wheres a napkin when u need one?

gonna see if i can fool some fools into a weight related bet
deadline, my 45th
target weight 245

30 or so lbs away

which will make for a great party


may as well book a hall now
i think i know the band i want to play there


Gotta make the move from legendary partier
to legendary sober dude
resist the spirits

dry out a little,
but why not start june 1?

no reason to rush into sobriety
one or two more happy hours aint gonna kill me

that will get the bettors in a lather
the loud drunk at th bar saying hes gonna be sober for three months and 2 weeks
should get some action at the shamrock
gotta book the band now and reserve the hall
tickets will soon be available

bursts of speed on the tenis court
amazing onlookers
how can a hippopatamus move so fast?
this hippo has eaten an elite athlete
he's still in there
under layers of beer and buffets
and now the hippo has turned vegetarian
for the most part
he will no longer FINANCIALLY contribute to the brutal torture of animals
to the diverting of grains to cows
as melotonin richer, cash poorer people starve
what it takes to feed a cow to make you burger can feed a village for a month
and cows arent designed to eat grain anyway
they are grass eaters
if, as a guest of someone, a tasty meat item is proffered i will eat it
im polite
but they get the lecture
ready to start some shit
another problem with cows is their four stomachs
perfect for digesting grasses
but also methane factories
cow farts are a huge component of global warming
so much so that i propose feeding polar bears cows
with an environmentally friendly catapult, set up in the northern most reaches
you could lead the cows up there lke the cowboys did
in late summer
get em all up there
and start calibrating your catapult
im sure the polar bears would love some steak tartare
theyd swim out to where the cows were splashing about
and maybe have a chance
cow farts are killing our polar bears
i heard it on NPR
you know its true
so what choo gonna do?

catapult plans can be sent to this address bakeowski@yahoo.com
volunteer cowhands for the great cattle drive can submit to the same address
anyone with a polar bear costume, who wants to start some shit, is also urged to contact the author.
when on NPR website search for cow, methane, its all there!

it is exhausting applying for every job on craigslist
but it is an exercise in imagination
and creative writing
why would someone who taught school for 12 years and made 40K a year be interested in cooking and barbacking with management attitude for 10 bucks an hour?
simple
im retarded
and i dont like to shave
and im cheap enough to live on ten an hour
and i could probably drink all day and get away with it

but what i said to them was i was going to "use them for a good reference so i can run a restaurant in paradise in a year or two"
who knows if they bought it
i meant it when i typed it
just as i meant it when i told the email address that i loved being the guy in the warehouse who knew where everything was
that i was naturally a very organized person
but that was a lie
but its too late know
i will simply have to compund the lie during the interview
if it ever comes

there is always a bit of freak in my emailed job queries
i think that thats just honest
they'll find out just how high i fly my freak flag eventally anyway
even sooner if they test my pee
man! that test is wrong
i was eating hemp granola bars
i have one here
i need the omega three acids in my diet,
and hemp seeds are the best source since i dont eat or use fish oils
being cruelty free since 93
and farm raised salmon hurt the whales
and ive loved wales ever since i went there on a rugby trip and had sex with someones grandmother
the pubs had just closed
i was heading back to the corgi infested bed and breakfast that i was staying at
ugly, squat little dogs
but good ratters and able to hold their own with a hedgehog
not sure about woozles tho
or heffalumps

so she was heading my way,
staggering slightly
a very sexy sidewalk stagger, as i recall
musta been some magic in the air because we were soon in a cab to her place
when i woke up the next day and took in my surroundings i noticed the pictures
smiling mommy and daughter and grandma
are you a sexy granmother?
do you want a 44 year old trophy man?
ill paint your house
cook your food
sleep with your lonely daughter
tutor your grand kids
i'll wear those tennis shorts you like so much
on and off the court
ill bring out pitchers of iced tea to you and the girls as you play canasta
i might even do a pushup or two so you can enjoy my manly, manly arms

so if you are a grandmother
with a beach house
call me today
i can be on a bus tommorow

and if this sounds like something you might enjoy for your grandma
leave a post here and we will work it out
ill be subtle
she will never know you are paying me
bringing adult companionship to the next level

or
i could make your granny a star
at grannyboff incorporated
and granny boff dot com
your granny could be the newest star of the most dynamic adult pornography on the web
23 skidoo!

went to the inaugural erotic literary salon
my friend
the real writer
buried me in emails and texts and we wound up pregaming it at sugar moms
1.50 pbr tallboys
with her and nosejob

we were trying to figure out what the ninety one year old featured writers work would sound like

i met him charlestoning at the speakeasy in chi town
he bought me a gin rickey and it was 23 skidoo, daddyooo
or worse and worse stuff about sinews, flabby skin and balls hanging below his knees
we made it early to get good seats
grab three at the bar

and suddenly im in a conversation with a smiling lancastarian
hey
i know this game!
what choo drinking i ask?
and her drink of choice is half the money in my pocket
so i back pedal,

claiming poverty

and magically she has a credit card and is buying me one
just one
the game gets better
she writes erotic stuff but couldnt access it
i say i got some a short bike ride away and suddenly im furiously pedalling my bike
grabbing journals from my shelf and back

signing up

the ninety one year old is far better than we imagined
relating a sweet tale of afternoon lust with her 93 year old beau
where at one point her skin was smooth again

this is when i began to feel out of my league

i was regretting it signing up when the first reader was way sexier than me in her tight black strapless thing
way more graphic than me
way more erotically in touch
way more alive

a blonde sheepdog then blow me away with a piece called curves
about sex in the snow in scotland
me

with only two synonyms for wang
feeling like an incredibly shrinking peter in a chilly lake skinnydip

im the worst writer

in any slam
i usually am
thats just a proven fact
i didnt even know what a clit was for thirty years
then people are reading stuff from published writers
and my shrinkee dinkee has turned inward
i now know how it feels to have a vagina

as it starts to burrow thru my intestines
hiding from the spotlight in shame
i take my flask to the bathroom and glug glug some courage
they call my name
i read these two things from 17 years ago
apologizing to the audience in advance
tales from when i was sexy myself
nosejob calls out that im still sexy

and i read my stuff

its really kind of late to develop a moral sense after treating someone like a sperm receptacle for weeks,

but i just dont feel like fucking you anymore

its just not worth it

not worth the shit you make me deal with

and fucking for fuckings sake is fine

but not with you

i know you too well

i know that you are secretly investing worth into the act

even as you protest you arent

i see behind those eyes

and know that you are playing an awful wating game with me

waiting for me to come around

to snap out of ito realize your worth

and my worthlessness

it is beneath youto lay beneath me

acting as a fucksicle

the patient woman

all suffering

you really buy into that role

im not

im not going to let you degrade yourself by submitting to my carnal demands

we both said it means nothing

if it means nothing, why do it?

so im not gonna fuck you anymore

ive suddenly decided it must have meaning

sex is sacred

my temple is closed

worship someone else

leave me the fuck alone

3 dogs in bed with you and your new girl, thankfully she puts them out at 630to run and shit and when she gets back you have a surprise for her its over too quick, the first time ususally is. you resign yourself to the fact, then flash back to last nights conversationin which she related that the first time can make or break a relationship. you build it up so much. and shes had three years of flirtaceous buildup. the coffee isnt so tasty anymore. you mention that a nap would be nice, she concurs, you spoon and surprise! she notices that a nap isnt appropriate, that something needs attention and she climbs on and does her best. she has great control of her hips. as you lay back and enjoy. 15 minutes later she sweatily cracks"you're making me earn it"so you lick her tits a little to make it interesting. her writhing tells you its working, and suddenly you MUST be on top, and youre nailing her to the bed in a perfect coordination of violence and velocity. shes confides later that shes never seen someone so fast, "bunnyfucking" is what thats called. for a minute, you wonder if she meant the first time was fast, and you realize it really doesnt matter

i slink off the stage

and only find out later that people like me

they really like me

unless its a conspiracy

to build me up

only to crush me later....

Floating drunk-fuck-like thru another wasted Sunday
fridays goat roast/party never ended for my liver
The flyers were done early
I couldn’t sit at my buds house anymore
So back to the rock

The mighty mighty shamrock pub

Where I wind up when im bored, broke
on the way to or from things
My poker haven
My door guy place
I start throwing money at horses
2-8 dollars at a time
And all of a sudden
Im almost broke again
Now im really kicking myself in the ass
I was up a bean thirty when I went to bed the night before
How did I spend 75 bucks on nothing?
No buzz
Time to beat it home
Tail between my legs
Recrimination time
you ahole you......
you may have to get a job now, smart guy
I follow the owner out
He asks the night guy if hes working
Night guy says no
There is no relief guy and hes on the phone
I say ill work
And im in like Flynn
Learning the name of working class generosity
These dudes tip like rockstars
I thought I was a player with my five dollar tips
They double me and more
The other bartenders are flush with cash and big timing and it works for me
No no no, don’t take her money
I SAID NO
she doesnt pay
and incidentally
nobody
NOBODY, puts baybee in a corner
Whatever dude
You are the man
Im the guy collecting the cash
Ill help you look big
Five hours behind the bar
Equivalent to an hourly amount like those given to pipefitters
times five
No taxes
Im not going broke again any time soon
Hopefully
Woo hoo

i decided that i was going to plug in my non-functional laptop
just out of plain orneriness
leave it on for days
upside down
on its side
see if shaking it helps
a scientific experiment
so i flipped it on
and it worked
maybe the geek squad fiddled with it when they told me how broke it was
maybe its the scam of all scams
assholes said i needed a new nother board
and a new keyboard
because of the coffee stains inside
HA
another victory for ornery!
....
now if i only had something to say
.....
so im back at the coffee shoppe
i can afford 1.90 java with tip 3.00 only when im online for free
then it makes sense
the gals were happy 2 see me again
so now i can do nothing here
5 blocks away from my do nothing apartment
takin the show on the road
come watch me leak my potential all over the place
watch me waste whats left of my
PRIME EARNING YEARS
eyes starting to go
squinting at the racing form when my unemployment check comes in
but i have a plan at least
casino dealer school
in my neighborhood
come out of this UE phase with a new skill
and take over atlantic city
but till then
im working on my performance piece
im workshopping it at the coffee shoppe
in it stare at my computer screen for hours on end
seemingly engaged in something important
hey! look at the dude with the laptop
he must be writing a brief for the judge
or that grant for the non-profit
or that proposal

my magical self repairing laptop
it runs on coffee
ill pour it an esspresso from time to time when it is downloading slowly
perk it right up
want some more muffin crumbs lil fella?
there ya go....
mmm theys good, aint dey?
well thank god i got back online to share these important thoughts with the world
bet it all on trifectas today

5 six dollar bets

6 with 8,13,1
6 with 9,10,5
6 with 7,4,1
6 with 3,10,5
6 with 11,7,12

the six has to win because he is a freak of nature
freakishly fast
but betting him to win is retarded because he will pay 2.60 for every two dollars
so ya gotta get lucky
time to head to the track to get the bets in
the poker game starts at 2
then the shamrock til 2

out in the country breathing the air
staring at my dads computer like a caveman
pretty lights
NOT using time effectively
until he starts to try to ship me out
"your bus leaves when son?"
subtle, my dad is

now i need to use the computer at the last minute
now the words start flowing
not when i have the luxury of time
oh sweet wasted hours and days
thats luxury
to be you own boss
in the nothing business
naps
books
crossword puzzles
i need a deadline to get anything done
if time stretches away im an olympic caliber procastinator
ok deadline

ill be 45
9-13-2008
have something in print by then
be it a brochure for my educational consultancy
(see next post)
be it the phantom magazine
be it some sort of query letter with articles about local rugby for the alternative papers
whatever
or maybe it will seem like too much work
and maybe im comfortable being a loser
being a pole of potential
steaming on the rug
oops no steam!
i have memories of being steaming
butt now?
dessicated there on the rug
completely dried out
all the promise, dehydrated out of me by time and my own laziness
oh, but i can still talk shit from time to time
and still can be accurately called a lazy piece of shit
at least im starting to drem/lie to myself with conviction again
maybe the manic phase will die quickly
or maybe ill get some shit done
goal-
dont be a 45 yr old loser
44 years was enough
you nailed it boy
set a high mark that people will really have to stretch themselves to equal
to have no achievements at my age is saying something about my philosophy of life
can this grasshopper turn a switch and become
BEE CUM!
an ant?
bee cum on an ant?
because otherwise i may have to start my own philosophy of life/ clothing line / website

work is

suckers

with the distinctive 4 lollipop logo

teeshirts with 4 lollipops dominating the culture
the day we all stopped working 4 the man
the day we all signed pledges to give away our 2nd and so on millions
because a million is too much
if you have over a million in the bank you can expect to become part of the menu
today we have a fricasee' of industrialist offspring with an investment banker reduction glaze
mmm
you can really taste the pilate's
and it was organicallly fed too
i am starting to mobilize my homeless cannibal army
eat the man
eat the man
just dont work for him
and buy my shirts
work is 4 suckas

ALERT!
Now entering manic phase
i feel the energy building
i wish i had a computer to keep the world abreast
but sporadicallly i get access
here is an email i think i should send to every charter school in philly
customizing it to fit their school
it is the essence of my strengths and a good sales job and i even left rugby off
so my follow up email will mention rugby as a sales point
oh i forgot
i dashed that email off so quick that i forgot to mention my credentials as an international rugby dude
ohhh the great thoughts are flowing now bay beeeeee!!!!


Hello Mr. Jones, I have recently seen your ads for staff and think you should talk to me about how I can help your children take their school experience to the next level. I am one of those crusader types who was going to save the world and teach in the most challenging situations available, because my skin is so thick and I was such a tough guy. Was. I served as Wanamaker Middle School's Creative Writing teacher for 2 and a half years and loved it before being promoted to classroom teacher for another two. I had 13 sections of inclusion and varied abilities and made it work. I get very good at deciphering handwriting styles and really had a ball, mostly having to improvise my tail off as the day had other frequqently more stimulating events than my writing prompts, which I eventually adapted to suit whatever the climate at the school was that week or hour. At Wanamaker I hooked up with the gardening club and became convinced that every school must have a vegetable garden and a club to maintain the grounds along with whatever adult staff are currently doing the job. That experience really got me thinking in exciting ways. What if this proven successful collaboration between staff, teachers, community and children could be extended? That summer we installed a nice flower garder in what was a trash strewn lot and managed to get our eighth graders a stipend and highschool credit for all their hard work. That was fun and sweaty and with some nice hard science content to satisfy thier credit requirement. What I then began thinking about was how home economics has been virtually abandoned in middle schools in philly and started to radically reimagine the school lunch program at my next teaching assignment at Gillespie Middle School. Im still thinking it would work but that place was so chaotic, when Edison took over, that literally putting out fires was a more pressing concern. Edison wanted nice low scores their first year so they could show growth. Businessmen. Well they got them. I'm still thinking that kids should be involved in preparing meals. It is all about math and nutrition and each classroom could take turns planning meals for a week, say. Give them the budget, ask them to prepare a menu each day and help prepare it. Then reflect on what went right and what went wrong. Then open it up to clubs within the school, certainly looking into vegetarian options. What I am seeking is a place to try this idea out. I do not have the credentials to run this myself, I am merely an enthusiastic helper with a teaching degree. Which is just one of the projects I have in mind. I did not see that job listed, so what i did is made a job up for myself which is my perfect job. In my ideal job I would work with every student in the building on writing and goal setting: frequently partnering with the classroom teachers who would like another set of eyesand hands on essays and special projects. I think that with some creative scheduling we could work out a way for me to work with every class in the place without burying me. Each class once a week and then special team teaching/project related periods each day where I would work on whatever the kids or the teachers/staff clubs in the building want to work on. When the tests are coming up these could be word origin classes where we do some latin roots and throw medical and legal languge at each other or geometry stuff where we play with real world applications of numerals like in recipes or in construction projects or whatever. I want to be involved with a dynamic school sopmewhere who wants to really push the envelope. To push this envelope I need a place where I do four classes a day of writing and then the rest of the day is team teaching and small group things with whoever needs some extra help or is gifted and wants to learn how to make some kid created pages on your website, showcasing the many talented West Phillians in your school. I can see doing a weekly video show, kid edited, called the Richard Allen News Team. I can hook you guys up with Bike Works and get your mechanically gifted kids into a eco-friendly trade. I ran the recycling program at Wanamaker and could see doing that again or helping whoever is already doing it. I have alot of energy. I think you need it to keep up with the kids. I'd love to work at a school with a DEAR program. My room will be full of books after the field trip we make to the book bank at 5th and luzerne. That's always fun. Here's a crazy idea. Think about hiring me to do the job described above. Run it by the board. I want to make a school great, but it has to be a cooperative thing. I can fill in as a sub if needed. Next time you have a staff development day or are thinking about which direction you are going next year, invite me by to address the staff for a half hour or so and then I'll leave and you can vote on it or talk it out. In any event I think that I know alot of interesting things to do with kids that are fun for all and would have no problem just doing it on a one time basis for the right amount of cash. I would then make it a two to four hour program and start calling myself an educational consultant. Whcih is what I would be looking to do in about three to five years after your place becomes a national example of a school that works. I would also like to do some sort of web based entrepreneurship selling things on ebay to start with and then, who knows. Looking forward to hearing from you. My laptop has recently died so the best way is by cell phone at 215-275-8798 or by mail at 321 reed st, phila pa 19147 If you would like to hear people say mostly nice things about me you can contact Linda Carroll at Northeast Highschool where she is the Principal. She was my mentor. You could contact Iggy and Julia Weekes who run NANA inc. they are the radical gardeners i referenced and learned alot from Or you could try Tracey Mitchell over at Gillespie who will tell you about my survival skills and of my mad collaborative skills.