I-95 is an anaconda
traffic jam
gripping its prey
the earth
an inch at a time
asphyxiating it slowly
inexorably

resolved
on this third day of summer
summer of sobriety
(with loopholes)
whereas it has been duly think upon and agreed upon by the id, the ego and the superego that it would be more fun to drink on vacation than taking an alcoholic vacation every night
i will hereby refrain from drinking and save that money usually incurred in booze costs and tip costs and supplemental costs of drunken consumerism heretofor written off under the "accounts payable drunken asshole accounts" into the "super duper binge drinking on vacation" fund
further
most free drinks will be refused citing my legendary steely resolve which is allegedly focussing upon having a booze free summer and thus also benefitting from a holistic health standpoint
as a birthday present to myself i should have a sleek torso by september 13th at which point i will reevaluate my position, quarterly, roughly coinciding with the seasons
theoretically this should free up alot of time for thinking and by the sheer magnitude of my geniousity i should show real progress towards goals that i am currently masticating
deep thoughts, once unclouded by a nightly haze of alcohol should thus flow more freely
in celebration of all this glorious thinking i will get shitfaced tommorrow on 1/2 priced margaritas with my favorite english bartender overpouring tequila
booze only on vacation
vacation defined as two hours travel time from my south philly abode via car meaning if i get to new york i may sneak into mcsorleys for a few
ok
its in print
its on a blog known for its accuracy
i guess its true
its done
i feel better already
now to start on those deep thoughts
hmmmmmmmmmm
hmmmmm
hm

asshole at the phone company quoting regulations to me after i asked for a manager
visa gift card in hand
trying to get back on the air
you agreed sir and it has been taperecorded
do you want me to play that for you sir
you agreed to pay data transmission charges in excess of 1000 minutes a month
ok
and you said you understood what those charges were
sir
but its a local call
we have your voice on tape sir
i try to pay half
so i can go back online and have a phone thats always busy when people call me but he says i have no other option
NO OPTIONS
like the philly schools motto
failure is not an option
hahahahaha

no option
but to pay in full
that aint happening
i tell him he may have a recording of me saying i understand
but i didnt really understand
would he like to tape record me saying that
i didnt understand
he doesnt
and with no other options i politely thank him and hang up
how are they going to dunn me for this phine bill with no phone?
it would have to be a very menacing letter indeed
to get my attention
i never get mail anyway
i can buy a disposable phone from walmart for 30 bucks
pay as i go
minutes should get me thru two months before its 30 more bucks
my phone avereaged 39 a month
so im saving money
ill keep my new cell phone at home tho
right next to the old one
the heavily taxed one
ill figure out a way to get online again someday
maybe by buying a laptop with all the money im saving not having a land line
lets see
39 bucks every two months
plus nine bucks every two months on the months i buy minutes
thats 48 bucks every two months
laptops are about 500 on sale
so in ten months the phone company will have bought me a laptop
ill get free wifi service in coffee shops
and i will become one of those people
working on my words in public
so friggin busy
yeah

i got a major gay vibe at the small town barber shop a few miles from my parents house
nothing out of the ordianry
golf on the teevee
combs for sale for a buck
the first ping on the gaydar was when he put the apron on me to catch the hair
he smoothed it on my shoulders and gave a nice squeeze
as if he loved me
and would enjoy the haircut more than I
then his bellys rubbing my arm as he cuts
ping
i make my self smaller
pull my elbows off he arm rests
he cant quite rub now
but hes tantalized
in chase mode
me his reluctant sweetheart?
ping
i move my hand just before he tries to rub his balls on them
nice try rommel
but i read your stinking book
i read your stinking book i say
doing my patton imitation
the book in question
creepy fatdude secondhand sex concepts and execution in post priest society
by i.m. ahorny barber
good for him
the fourth ping on the gaydar was when the lively conversation dude in the next chai who had been laughing leaves the barber and its my moms flaming lawyer friend
who plays piano
and i look familiar
and we have an awkward conversation as my barber
sensing an easy score starts humping the back of the chair
but he has a straight razor in his hand
and the way he sensously lathered my neck
i mean
still bad news for him
if he makes contact with my now fetal barber chair sitting style
huddled like a rape victim in the shower
i just want it to end
the conversation does
and the gay dude of my moms aquaintance walks out
and a funny thing happens
his barber the one sharin the conversation
follows him out after a discrete minute wait
and the gaydar is going off like pearl harbor
and i gotta find a new place to look more civilized

it could be dirty ice
a leaf or something
some lint
the ice cube trays are never the cleanest
but upon second glance
its definitely a mouseturd
floating on the top
its out in a second
but has had time to steep
to add flavour to the pint glassed mega vodka tonic
the size that adds meaning to life
the kind you only need one or two of
you really cant taste the turd as you sip
it may have been a frozen mouse turd
thus the steeping would have been less
the forensic team will get back to you with a report on the degreee of thawing
detective columbo
now whatcah gonna do
sippp
sipp
sippy de doody
sippity ay
i never thought id enjoy mouse poo this way
plenthy of sunshine
on this birght day
sippity doody
sippity
ay

trapped on a bus with a retarded monologist
each thought that creeps thru his beer addled brain
he utters
each place he sees thru the bus window
has an anecdote
i ate there once
poofter
he affects a fake irish accent
wank- uhhh
does bits from movies
from an interview with ole hank
who are your three favorite authors
charles bukowski
charles bukowski
and charles bukowski
what do you think about hemingway
i dont think about hemingway
opens another beer and offers me one
why not then?
i dont like that beer
fuggin pooftah
i ask him who hes talking to
he says himself
because its a free country
he defiantly sings a few verses of a springsteen tune
waits for a comment
gets stony silence
more thoughts run through his mind that have to be shared with the world
or at least the bus
seems like he wants to argue with someone
anyone
someone notice me
notice me
i try not to
the bus ride mercifully ends before a fistfight
poke me with a stick twenty times and i may ignore it
twentyone times
you are taking chances
like the patient lion father
as the cub chases his tail
wrestles it
for hours
all of a sudden the cub is a pinwheel
spinning and tumbling
wondering what the license plate was on that truck that just whacked him
the retarded monlogist is lucky on this day
lucky that the others who have recently been poking at me with sticks did not hit the magic number
lucky that today is not one of those days when i just feel like punching someone in the face
lucky that my rage filled days of walking around, fuse lit, waiting for saturday or tuesday or thursday are in the past
knowing that if i can wait for some rugby it will work itself out
naturally
joyously
sharing my gift of violence with the world that created it
with other inhabiatants
who helped me heal
my rage counsellors
absorbing my rage in the form of contusions bumps and bruises
doing a great service to the world
keeping me out of jail
keeping me a productive member of society
but rugby is about movement
and i dont move so well anymore
my feet are stuck in molasses
and i was becoming a target instead of a sharpshooter
a reciever instead of a giver
i dont mind sharing pain
and im a very generous giver
but im far too modest to accept the huge helpings of pain they generously want to give me for my years of service
no, no you are too too kind
ill just step aside
watch for a bit
if my body tells me its time to play again i will listen too it
right now its saying no no no

they tried to put me in the rugby
i said no no no

they said that i was fast
but i am slow slow slow

they said id miss the game
but my rage is feeling tame

they tried to get me in the rugby
i say no no no

i said im never scrum again
but that dont, that dont eaase the pain

theyd show up at my door with a cuppa coffee
an hour before kickoff
and im off
bottle in bag
sufficiently angry from the booze
hype from coffee
trying to regain the rage edge
the rage edge that was once so natural
i could be mad at anyone
for any reason
friggin commie irish bastards
oh you want to play ruff ehhh?
i can bite too
darn green shirt dudes
it was easy
and accessible
but my rage circuts must have burnt out or something
like a cokefiend with no dopamine receptors left
id do a line and nothing
id do a line out and nothing
trying to find the rage

so im out on the field
and theyre all ten to twenty years younger than me
theyre playing rugby with a dinosaur
fatasuarous rex
rageasaur rugby
primitive fun
pleistocene rugby club
gonna fire up the tee shirt factory
buy fifty of these from me at 10 bucks a pop and ill come play for your team
they paid the dude who retired me to come here and play
so to get me out of retirement it'll cost someone
they were paying an international rugby prop
im an intergalactic prehistoric rugby prop
that seems like more of a premium prop to buy the service of
call my agent buy the shirts set up the date with my social secretary lets work out a deal on the video rights and see if angelina jolie can make it and we are on
and by the time all that happens ill be in shape
starting now
with my date with the woodpile
those puny logs think they can beat me?
hmmrrrrgggghhhhh
graaaaaa
goooooshhhhhhh

the dog is my hero
seamus
walked upstairs and whined until we woke
me an my special baybee
wondering what was up with the dog
what could he want
and boy arent the birdies singing sweetly
snuggle snuggle
kis kis
then she nudges it
and its on
slowly
sweetly
inexorbably
its gonna happen
i have a very firm if you nudge it, it gonna happen policy
i hope its gonna happen anyway
so i became tender and touchy and wove my magic spell
even tho
technically
with the nudge
she initiated the activities
lets just say it was a beautiful morning and leave it at that
i hoped it would turn into a day of wonder
but the job offered no joy
so it was a good thing i had a small bottle of vodka with me
to deal with the inevitable stress
they want me to be perfect
they are anal
im more a big picture guy
90 percent of the time im close to perfect
they aint paying me perfect money
so they get a guy with a bottle of vodka in his workbag and strange mood swings
who always seems like hes got a mint in his mouth

in the hot warehouse i wrestle with 120 pounds of airconditioner on a shelf above my head
inch by inch i work it out
they put it up there to save space
they used the forklift
i silentlcurse them as dust tips off the top and catch the thing with my hip as it tries to commit suicide
i check the paperork and something isnt right
this isnt the right unit and now the cursing is vocal
the walk back to the showroom is sweaty, but not as bad as the warehouse
i tell the customer im still looking for it and go in to talk to the asshole manager whio gives me a piece of paper with a different number and a little bit of attitude
that attitude could be dangerous to his well being
the guys in the warehouse have me as the 9-5 favorite to pop him
but i think my warehousemate has a shorter fuse and much better odds
then they change the rules so i cant bet on myself
but that makes it more of a challenge
i return to the sweaty warehouse in the back and push a few more heavy ones around and still cant find the right one and the walk back is even more sweaty and dangerous
i object to the tone of the asshole manager and match his exactly while adding a little volume for drama as customers are now watching
i make my way to the timeclock saying the best thing for me to do is probably to PUNCH out now
thats about as much violence as i can inject into the conversation without being accused of making threats
making threats is grounds for termination
emphasizing the word punch in a sentence is not
too many witnesses for threats
better to drop something heavy on him by accident at some future point
to not lift my end the next time a big heavy thing comes
oops i lost my grip my grip slipped soory
you all right
i dont think i am that kind of employee yet
but its hot back there in the warehouse
a transformative kind of hot
oh the personal growth that i feel each day
and to wak off the job on the first truly hot day would be a sign of weakness
ill let the heat break the other weaker types
it will just make me stronger
forge my determination to be a much more patient poker player
if i work really hard for my money maybe i will concentrate better when i gamble it
yeah
big picture

anonymus harmless drunk at a barbeque
amuses the two year old with his facial expressions
plays a little rough at times because two year old cant catch too good
his punk rock mama with the pink hair watches
discusses
helps him "shake it off"
her drummer boyfriend manning the barbeque chimes in
yes he plays the chimes too
very talented indeed
says that this is what the kid needs
simple drummer wisdom
apparently the kid is a wuss
and needs to toughen up
and another great business idea is born into the world
rent a drunken uncle
we will come to your family gathering and be the focus of attention and dersision as long as the alcohol flows freely
we're great with kids
not the kind of uncle that gives a kid nightmares and serious sexual issues down the road
thats another company
were the dudes that give your unruly teenagers an "accidental" black eye in the basketball game that got to rough
sorry dude, my bad
man up, ya pussy, or are ya gonna quit?
dont get any blood on the basketball
drunken uncle is just one of the services we provide at DRUNKLE CO. incorporated

we also are masters at playing the
"what does she see in him" game

we can be you latest bad boyfreind

you have a big even coming up, need a date and need a family member put in their place?

we can do it.
not for nothing, but your daughter really thinks.....
you can pretend one of our experts is projecting, guessing or just being an obnoxious drunk and of course you really dont think that..
not at all
once the conversational faux pas has been remedied the elephant is still in the room
the cat is out of the bag and the healing can begin
you can discuss the "drunk talk" later at a more appropriate time and really get to the bottom of your thorny private family issues
all we need is some beer, and our nominal consulting fee and your family can become stronger
stronger by weathering our pateneted drunken storms
storms bring out the best in people
to survive repeated visits from the inebriation professionals at DRUNKLE CO your family will have to rally round, will have to work together to communicate
to save their daughter from this horrid man she is in love with
and thats the magic of DRUNKLE CO
we build stronger family ties
surprisingly affordable and only just as violent and destructive and spelled out in our pre-intervention contract
see how strong your family can become with just a few quick visits
need to get back into the will?
want them to forget your previous mistakes?
is your teen a poofter?
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have a porsche that needs vomitting on?
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puppies and kitties and waterfalls with rainbows
unicorns frolicing in the meadows
that is philadelphia in june
its a magical place with a new mayor and a feeling in the streets that anything can happen
itss kind of hurts your face to walk these cherished, cheerful sidewalks
you smile so much it hurts
oh so pretty so pretty so pretty and happy and gaaaaaayyyy
what a lucky boy in philly am i todaaaayyy

the heat takes over my mind in the summer
concrete sidewalks
thirsty for blood
sucking what energy they can from your feet as they bake your soles
theyll take sweat for now
but its blood they want
like ancient mayan temples
they are thirsty and use the heat to control your mind
the stinky, sweaty dehydrated masses are all to eager to slake the sidewalks thirst
WHATCHOO LOOKIN AT?
and its only the beginning of june
i gotta get out to the farm again soon and walk in the grass
being eaten alive by bugs is surely better that feeding the sidewalk
can you catch insanity as it starts to percolate?
does discussion of foul murderous thoughts show them to the air and dampen their power?
lets hope so
hey theres my old school teacher on the news!