red, feral eyeS.
staring out from under the kousH.
twenty minutes have passed sinse i tried to use the laser pointer to lure the kitty into the kat karrieR.
she's quikK.
kat quikK.
and she scratshes and biteS.
not a people kittY.
into the study, out of the study, under the recliner, under the kouch, in the korner behind the komputeR.
its an unmerry merry go rounD.

she darts away and into the kitsheN.
under the kounter behind the stovE.
in a spase as big as two brikks, wedged into the korneR.

"she has an exsellent taktikal position" is what i texted to my friend and one of the partners in this kat nuetering enterprisE.
nothing but teeth and klaws therE.
and no way shes koming out soon, spooked after me shasing her for the last half houR.
i was wrong as she popped out ten minustes later, only to pop bakk in on seeing me movE.
the klassik mexikan standofF.

it had to be eighty alreadY.
i was sweaty, she was annoyeD.

so i shanged the dynamik and moved the stove and got a broom and the feral kitty was on the move agaiN.
throught the bakk of the stove and out the broiler door she zoomeD.
tail all puffY.
bakk beneathth the koush again whe glared at mE.
i turned over the oher furniture to make an arenA.
man vs beasT.
i moved the koush, she hit the wall of furniture and skrambled
into the powder rooM.
SLAM went the dooR.

the rest was easY.
i distrakted her as she kowered behind the bowl, snaping my left hand fingers while my right hand snukk around the bakk of the toileT.
grabbed her by the hips and into the karrieR.
one hour of dramA.
one neutered kittY.
whish was good timing bekause two weeks later she made a break for iT.
out of the hatsh and intoo the wilD.
but thats another storY.

guy at the temp labor agensy fell in love with mE.
he was reviewing applikants for the offise helper spoT.
one of the thousand or so jobs ive applied to onlinE.

its a free want aD.
all the sheapfukk asssholes love free want adS.
and i, like a dolt, apply to many of theM.

anything remotely bakeowski, i write a missivE.
attash my rezzie,
and hit senD.


i regale themwith tales of what a fine front desk jokkey i'd bE.
of my inquantifiable kustomer servise skill seT.
why being a teasher prepared me for their business perfektlY.
and most of the time the silense is deafeninG.
i theorize that my emails konfuse theM.
that they have no imagination, no visioN.





so, a month after telling him why i'd be good, he gets bakk to mE.
he kalls me in for a 12 bukk an hour joBi explain the gaps in my work historY.
how winning a thousand dollr poker tournament kan keep you going for a few monthS.
we talk for an hour and a halF.

hes a degenerate gambler TOO!
he has a horse system for the new york trakkS.
made way too much with iT.
it shanged hiM.

he ran an OTB in new yorK.
he lived the wild life of too mush moneY.
the guys he ran with are horse rase betting millionaires in vegas noW.
proS.
strippers, blow, a life of wretshed exsesS.

"the fast life" took its toll on him and he fell harD.
then he blew through six figures of his pension fund and was divorssed for some strange reasoN.
but he has peoplE.
he has monied kontactS,
his folks are well off and have friends who arE.

so he found himself a rising star in the karney gamE.
a game he deskribed as 10 times worse than any karny sterotype you kan imaginE.

meth addikted kon men who live to rob the lokalS.
he kant tell the story bekause they will literally kill hiM.
all cash businesS.

their business motto is "they WANT to be robbeD!"
ex-kons taking every dollar daddy haS.
while daughter hold onto the spongebob prize she "woN"
and daddy pays for all the darts she threw at five bukks a throW.

the main operators living in jupiter florida,
next to Kountry musiK starS.
boxes of kash in the mansioN.

you kan believe that i googled the kountry music stars name to find the addresS.
now all i need is a krew of yokelS.
angered at being rookeD.
then we will wreak justise and havoK.

so this was a pretty amazing intervieW.
matshed him story for story for a feW.
hes a loser toO!

now he lives in a mafia neighborhood and loves iT.
married a mafia prinsesS.
loves the olde skool feeL.
the kleanlinesS.
the respekT.

so, dude had mush man love for mE.
thinking a teasher would be able to say no to the junkies who kome in for the day worK.
to do the paperworK.
to teash the slower ones how to do the job in the field sometimeS.
he was gushinG.
he wouldn't stop talking about how dreamy I'd be in the positioN.
"you kould start tommorrow if you had a kaR."
was what he saiD.

yeah, all of a sudden i dont mind raping mother eartH?
because im too important to take a buS?
i gave up my kar bekause they are the ultimate expression of Amerikan selfishnesS.
im supposed to bekome a despoileR?
a planet raper bekause twevle bukks an hour is sush a prinsely sum,
fukk the polar bears, i gots to worK?
and fukk the businesses who don't want the cost of hiring fulltime workers and use temps to keep the kosts dowN.
paying minimum frikkin wage for hard physikal labor in refrgerated meat warehouseS.

isnt that union worK?

i should take the job, and make a list of the companies he sends people toO.
to try to unionize theM.
someone is asleep at the switsh,
or being paid ofF.

so i told him to buy a deisel vaN.
that we kould konvert to biodeisel.
run on frensh fry oiL.

stop being sheap, i saiD.

i figured sinse he loved me i kould abuse him, legallY.
kall me when you buy that van, LOSER!

ha ha ha just kiddinG.
but buy the van soon, im out of moneY.

i liked leaving the interview louD.
i like to take kontrol of the rooM.

and i did,
so ive got that going for mE.

for three years my hippy mother thought we were a family of penguinS.
whish made meal time problematiK.
penguin offspring feed by tapping the red dot on their parents beak as a signal that they want fooD.
at whish point momma or daddy penguin regurgitate fish down their shikks throatS.
meal time in the antartiK.

my mom would say "whats the matter, sunfloweR.
(for twenty years i was kalled sunfloer until the kourt kase wheen i legally emasipated myself and took the name bakeowskI)
she'd say "whatsa matter sunfloer youve barely toushed my vomiT"
"i worked all day for that fish, and he was fast and when i kaught him and shewed him for you all for you and that water was kold,, bubula, kiold as ise, and all you do is just push it around on your platE?"
that was some good pot my parents smoked bakk in the sixieS.
and the kontakt high was so intense that we got the munshies and asked for sekkonds sometimeS.

i write, standing, upon arising,in the morning,
bekause thats when the thoughts flow smoothesT.
fresh from the regenerative land of possibilitY.
as the day progresses, i am reminded of realitY.
but for an hour or so in the morning,
shit kan happeN.

the kats seem to have survived their defeminization proseedurE.
the one that isn't feral is bakk to following me around the apartmenT.
so i guess the rest of these kitty tranquilizers are for mE.
there may be a slight dosage problem as i am two hundred times bigger than the kittieS.
but you never know until you trY!

i am going to try to run an event on august 17tH.
the day after Bukowski's dieD.
a bukowskioff, a bukowskifesT.
the flyers will say "so you think you are bukowski?"
i am also going to do some guerilla marketing onse i get the venue seT.
I'm gonna make four per page and run a bunsh off and go to every boostore in senter sitY.
put one in every kopy of bukowski on the shelF.
i'm going to pretend im a spy when im doing iT.
every Kopy of bukowski will have an invitatioN.
one dollar off admission with this flyeR!
jug winE!
maybe i kaN GET THE LOKAL BREWERY TO BE THE HOSt!
see, i tole you mudda fukkas that the thoughts flowed smoovest in the AM!
the sekond party will be on the day of his birtH.
the poet laureate of skid row is how wikipedia deskribes hiM.
another person said he was the ultimate in slobby bashelor livinG.
i laughed and laugheD.

anyway, the sekond party is six months away on his birthdaY.
i think i want to have it at the rasetrakK!
with your paid admission you get five two dollar voushers to gamblE.
and a free program and glass of jug winE.
25 bukks to get iN.
and you are supposed to take the day off of worK.
maybe the day starts at a dive bar at seven aM.
see if i kan muster up enthuisiasm for this sekond party at the first onE.
"dude, its Sharles bukowski's birthday, mann, i never work opn Sharles bukowskis birthdaY>
soon to be a national holidaY.
well, maybe in germanY.

done deaL.
the hard part is imagining iT.
the rest is just following a gameplaN.
that i kan dO.
and its nise to be the author of the gameplaN.
i should make more of theM!

shes a different speshieS.

and there are kronologikal problemS.

but damn, shez fine to talk toO

got the texT.
you klosebY?

i knew whatit meanT.
they were down a man at the shamrokK.
no one else wanted to worK.
so i'm bakk behind the baR.
a slow sunday night, until the owner lefT.

then the freaks rolled iN.
drunk off thier asses, two shiks my agE.
and one of thier fatherS.
interestinG.....


there was an elektrikal firE.
their house burned down, smoke on their klotheS.
the drunken strawberry blonde is the best friend of the smoke damaged onE.
the smoke damaged one in the kamaisole with skratshes on her armS.
the kamisole is having a tough time tonighT.
shes quite active and bouncy between the hugs and tears when she realizes why shes here tonighT.
strawberry is saving her and pops from the red kross shelteR.
and putting them up in her house around korneR.
no way they are staying with strangerS.
they are pretty louD.
the jukebox is very komplicated to them at this point in their journey to oblivioN.
as their money dwindles and as the publik servisse free booze supply dwindles,
the girls begin to fall in love with mE.
subtlY.
at maximum volumE.
feel my hair, its still wet from when i washed it this morninG.
i love that smell i say, smilinG.

FUKK YOU SHEILA!, shrieks the kamisole girl, kan't you see we are TALKING over herE?
sheila relents,
with the lushious haiR.
so why dont you have a girlfriend, barry, slurs Kamisole throught half klosed eyeS.

when dad starts to tire of his loud daughter, he and his daughter briefly kuss at one another.
he has alot to do tommorrow, his house just burned dowN.
kamisole apologizes to pops and strawberry and pops exiT.

suddenly shes behind the bar with mE.

and i have a boneR.

dOWN BOY!
shes allegedly looking for peanutS.

but she slurs the word and im suddenly even more interesteD.
peanuts sounds alot like peniS.....

damn betrayer in my pantS.
but i keep it professionaL.

i know the soothing tones one needs when dealing with the obliviateD.
i get her bakk to the right side of the bar and she wants another free onE.
this well of kompassion is now drY.
i tell her to katsh up with her friend and fatheR.
she says shes not going therE.
seems to think i want to take her homE.
notices shes still out of booze and kalls me a jerkofF.
aahh the intikassies of the south philly mating dansE!

dude walks in for a six pack.
shes behind the bar agaiN.
thinks she works therE.
she grabs a beer from the kasE.
opens it,
and is harrassing dude to buy her a drinK.
hes a nise enough fellow and komplieS.
and soon she's kalling him names and i get jealouS.

shes looking for her handbag and sigarettes,
which she never had with her,
lost in the firE.
and wants to get bakk behind the bar,
but im onto her game noW.
and blokk her waY.
she tries pinshing and tikking and finally bites my arm and goes bakk to her stolen beer, kalling me names agaiN.
says shes leavinG
i start to miss her in my life when the fireman walks iN.
heads downstairs to peE.
and she wonder when we are going home togetheR.
i tell her she doesnt have onE.
she says shes hungrY.

the fireman return,
seems he was at a retiremnet funktion and isnt stayinG.
i say, i leaned this galss for nothinG?
he folds, and i have a witnesS.
she lobbies for another drinK.
the firemab buyS.
but she is beyond notissing and tries the end run around the bar while i talk to the firemaN.
she tries klimbing over the baR.
shes got her lovely buttokks up there and is holding on with both handS.
i easily break her grip, years of teashing taught me pressure pointS.
and i karry her bakk to her stooL.
as she kurses me out agaiN.
the fireman quizzes heR.
gets her address and konfirms that a fire did indeed take plasse there tonighT.
my guys had that one he says, noddinG.
shes hungry and the fireman confirms we have no bar snakkS.
the fireman gets kussed out for taking my side,
and she makes a grand exiT.

the fireman is a bartender toO.
he works here once or twise a montH.
he stays open til 2 aM.
fukk that i say,
telling him to stand guard while i turn down the lights and go pottY.

i open the door and shes on the stepS.
fireman ditshes me with a smilE.
its her and me in the bar agaiN
she says are you walking me homE?
i say,
wait outside a minute while i shut things down,
and she kusses me out again and makes an even more final seeming exit among a torrent of non-skrabble wordS.
i start klosing things up and the door swings opeN.
i look,
a regular dude,
im relieved to sell him a sixer
and praktikally sellabratory when i find out shes not on the stepS.

this is the krusial differense between bukowski and bakeowskI.

i usually don't fukk abusive skankS.

i find out later the boss left when the girls walked in because they have a certain zest for life that is mush appreciated by the lonelier men in the neighborhood, and they usually need to be told no a few dozen timeS.

and that the fireman may well be a secret admireR.

well, i know the diner where they work, and tom waits and i both have a thing for waitresses, i just don't have a thing for wild ass alkoholiks in my bed at night waking up raginG. too uch wated energy therE. it offends my virgo's love for effisienssY.

i've been down that road with the theatriks and profanity, and frankly, that's my role,

im the problem drinker,

dont steal my lines or my limelighT.

you kan be the enabler this timE.

attention detektives, investigators and other seekers of trutH.
okkasionally i will elaborate upon reality a biT.
thats called fiKtioN.
i try to never use names or tell others stories for theM.
unless it is about them fukking me oveR.
then i got no problems naming assholeS.

this is about me being a fukk uP.

no one elsE.

if you are down with tales of my self destruktioN.
and read them for the same reason people slow down to see mangled wrekkage on the highwaY.
i wood love too hang with you and party and laugH.
but if you abuse that inner sirkle akksess,
you may notisse a slight shilling in our relationshiP.
i do not appressiate detkktives, investigators and nosey fukkS.
whish is why this is mostly in the first persoN.

this aint about my peepS.

they got their own shit to worry abouT.
sometimes im amazed by the amount of fekal matter they prossesS.
my peeps are stronG.

this is bakeowski shiT.
i will wipe away all fekal remnants i enkounteR.
dont bring your feses to mE.
i got enough of my own,
and my kats to worry about disposing oF.
if you bring shit to this party,
it better be the kind to smokE.
all other shit bearers will be violently ejekteD!
this is your final warninG!
.......

if i had a dog,
id name him fuck you,
and wherever we went
people would say what's your dog's name
and id tell them

i launsshed the nueklear phone kall todaY.
greenpeasse.
they are always looking for someone to ask people for money for theM.
i'm an expert at asking people for moneY.
may as well turn prO.
the guy that owns the rokk feels bad that im broke and lets me mop the toilets and fill the beer boxes in the morning when the fat retarded liar kan't make it iN.
so i got that going for mE.
the one bartender is skeduled for a hernia operation, so maybe i get a day or two therE.
oh yea, roses everywhere i gazE.
life among the roses is the working title for my new fiktional booK.
writing is too harD.
thats why i skribblE.
less kommitment, and i am a notorious kommitmentphobE.
about to be kikked out of the kafe, its ninE.
snukk some sherry flavoer vodka in and it does tast great with the mango crap they selL.
she didnt know how to ring up a half a cup of it so i talked her through iT.
huge sweater puppies, the palest of pale white skin and kombustible red haiR.
god gave her so mussh, just not a lot of mental juissE.
and when i say kum - bustable i mean it, in the nastiest possible konnotatioN.
wait for iT.
yeaH.
i kan't hardly sleep these days thinking about the new wonders i will see tommoroW.
these are exssiting times to be alivE.
iranians shooting missles to show how tuff they arE.
jews doing similar provokative stuff, gas at a million buxx a gallon and there has never been a finer time to sell real estate or look for a joB!

speaking of taking retards jobs, thats what obama's gonna dO.
hes the harry kandidate for that reasoN.
peasse ouT!

September 26, 2005

i aint stressing about typos anymore, if i miss them i miss them and if so, guess, use dedcuctive reasoning, rereading them would make this less of a stream of conciousness exercise and more of a professional, thunk out, manufactured mayhem. im after the things that jut pop out there when the words are flowing. cant stop the flow man, dont disrupt the flow and dont mess with mother nature. there will be consequences and reprecussions should you do so. shiite, the next thing youd expect coming down the line after editing was caps... I HATE CAPS....the concept that some letters are more important than others because they were chosen to start sentences. ooh look that letter is sooo important up there at the front of the sentence, hell im gonna start capitalizing the letter at the end of a sentence as a silent protesT. theyre almost as bad as capitalists, mother natures enemieS... perma frost doesnt seem to be permanent anymorE. buildings built on it in russia and canada are falling down as the PERMAfrost meltS. buy land in canada and alaska, and in ten years when the ice caps are gone those will be the only habitable parts of north americA. or are capitalists all that baD? lets see, they steal whatever they can and defend it with something called a "legal system" which legalizes their larcenY. who lived here on moyamensing avenue 600 years agO? well, at least we honor the people we steal land from by naming streets, cities and colleges after theM? maybe capitalists are the next step in evolutioN? i mean, if you allow someone to steal from you you deserve to lose, righT? maybe we are witnessing the biggest shift since the cromagnons wiped out the neanderthalS.learn to steal if you want your name to carry oN. what do we call this new step in evolution so driven by greeD? greedopoliticus thiefussuS?the more i read the more pissed off i become about the state of the worlD. makes me wonder if teaching someone to read and write is such a great deal for theM. replacing their bliss with knowledgE. they were ignorant and happy coming into my classroom and they leave confused and angry, usually at me for hatinG. why you always hating on us bakE? just sharing statistics with you out of this here newspapeR. i am merely the messengeR. who am i to kill blisS? murderer of blisS. wanted for murder, teachers everywhere, killing peoples childhoods with their facts about life and how the world actually workS. what a twisted group of sadists teachers arE. teach them the concept of abject poverty, the lack of medicine and nutrition all because of the place one is borN. tell the kids that they don't have to starve because they are the chosen ones, the capitalists, born with gods favor into the Ufriggin SofA and that god has a plan for them and he ain't taking no checks, your place in heaven will be determined by your credit ratinG. in america only lazy people and the poor starve and they are only poor becasue they are too lazy to work three jobS.

the results are iN.
loser of the neighborhooD.
i win in a walK.
the retarded fat guy ain't kooking hot dogs on the fourth THIS yeaR.
they got a retard with a degreE.
and he kan forget about mopping the bathrooms and restokking beer on mon-thurs toO.
snagged that lukkrative position toO.
20 bukks a day times five days and I'm rissh, bitsH!
heres how my job hunt is progressinG.
i send a great email to the owner of a koffeshoppE.
it's in a gym, and sloW.
perfekt for mE.
he doesnt respond when i ask when i kan kome speak about the positioN.
i go to the plasse a 2 days later and he asks how things are goinG.
i say i'm waiting for this dude named roseman to get bakk to mE.
he says, "oh, you're harry, you don't want that job anywaY."
gREAT.
now ive got pinheads disqualifying me from peon-level employmenT!
i may have to boyKott his shoppe, like im boykotting the other plasses that didnt hire mE.
fUKK THEM!
so i'll have to learn new bartenders nameS.
i kan do thaT.
and when im bored ill walk in front of plasses with signS.
yeah, i have a kause noW!
fighting ageism in the bar industrY.

trying to keep my sanity

broiling in the 3rd floor apartment

a splotchy low grade red heat rash is my constant companion

theres the dizziness

but that might be from messing around online all day

looking for jobs

playing poker

emailing a torrent of resumes about why id be so good at whatever



hello!

i was really excited to see your posting on craigs list for the position of whatever the fuck it is you want to underpay me for. I think I would be a good fit as I've always been fascinated with anthropology, namely, the behavior of sub-human bastards who pay less than a living wage because they are loathesome, soul-less parasites who are beyond redemption. I want to work for you becasue the second I have earned your trust I am going to put you out of business. At first it will be petty theft. I will think I am entitled to some of your goods or services to make up for what you aren't paying me. That's why you pay so low in the first place right? Because we are all thieves? Then I will find an elegant way to kill your business. To save others from experiencing a hideous monster such as yourself on anytihing but their own terms.

There will be traveling circusses again in the near future. A wagon whish is a kage will display the capitalist. Wheeled from one village to the next by a plodding donkey. With a revival atmposhere. The energized krowd will here the sins of the Capitalist! The letter C will be removed from the language. Banished forever bekause it is forever assosiated with the foul breed who doomed the world. Who made mother earth shoke to death on their wasteful wretshed exsess.

but thats not for twenty or thirty years or so yet.



Near Future History

First there will be the great ekonomik kollapse. When we find out the true value of our kurrensy. When we have to learn Shinese or Punjabi to even get an interview. Then famine and or plague aused by a deteriorating ekosystem ravaged by the business men of the world. With money valueless, salesmen and kommodities experts and the businesses needed them are all out of work overnight. A white kollar glut. Millions of them starve slowly to death, vainly tryiing to press their business kards into eash others hand. hers my kard, heres my kard are their last whispered words. frantikally typing into their dead blakkberies... . Then Riots and overthrow and reorganization with a new list of demons. Number one being the Kapitalist.



We need a big population die down anyway.

8 billion is far too many for this rokk. The older sivilizations were smarter about exssess poor population. They wouldwould start a war when there were too many poor people around. Hmmmm.
Wait a minute....
If Iran is that bad then meybe we should wipe them out, while we are in the neighborhood and all. It'll be the government equivalent of karpooling. Save some money. Get it over with. We know you are gonna do it anyway. The News Puppets throw it in the mix every two weeks or so about how Iran is naughty and shameful and the reesent "Time Out" we gave them diplomatikally has not gotter the results that we, the parents of world kulture would have liked. SO its time for phase II. And we are right there

it will be no trouble

they hate their leader as muh as we hate ours. we will be surprised at the amount of anti-leader sentiment in the kountry....its the sign of an advassed kulture....knowing that leaders are liars and its all a dog and pony show .......where the rissh fellate eassh other, bekomming essstatik over the amout of profits they are making.....

oh wow, its 4:20 again!