waiting for my muse in a dark alley with an aluminum bat

unedited pure neanderthal musings NeANDERThallus's DONut EDiT!!! historical records from my cave walls... brutality, menial labor, minor victories, hot sexy interludes....... 3 years on the edges of a society that i cant distance myself enough from

My Photo

since 2005 i've been picking at this keyboard. the thoughtstreams flow, who knows from whence they came, or to whence they go? enjoy the ride...... i am

Thursday, March 16, 2017



Friday, February 24, 2017


I need a business agent. I have ideas.

 You know people who look for good ideas. I go thru manic phases, where I want to help, or change and I pursue a different life. I am a barnacle in an sacred underground cave, a cenote, in the Yucatan. I have a cheap house and a generous circle of friends. I will return to the USA, if it is obvious that they need me. I will put on my fancy crime-fighting outfit.

 I am reluctant to engage man.

A lawyer, mixed mma, rugby player staffing and security AND CELEBRITY BARSTAR firm. You can hire the 'banD the assassins' to play your event, anywhere. They are all ex-seals, friends of jessie ventura, who must soon come to the rescue with me. And berrnie and barry sanders and some poker dudes I respect named vitale and dgaf; I am the anti-trump. No money lifestyle. I was getting lonely for 24 hour internet, but Mexico has 24 hour poker, and I think I would rather take a coupla shots here, until I have a firm offer. Give me a quarter. I will build a series of events, happenings that I will promote by being the cool guy that I am. Reading from my many writings and open mike bitch. Lets discredit the hippy, if we can, its the age of Aquarius bitch.

This is how blogs were supposeD TO WORK....... AS A SPRINGBOARD. BUT WHO HAS TIME TO READ

it cost me about ten bucks to stay high for a couple of weeks and the shit is asskicking quality, when properly applied. tobe. Interesting people, with interesting opinions, doing RAD shit. If you would like me to look you up when I comenorth next, please let me know. I will be the dude that is all over your situation, with the great ideas …....and then I am off to the next friend who needs help. Here is a chance for your, the super troll to 'GET' me, and you will look like the reality that you are and I will represent the reality I see, as previously seen by this dude, who wants to help....
im gona get the dogs here high...special whistle to find the burner dogs short story...cuidado pitbull...pictures for tee shirt for website for topes.. fund raiser for topes for more pit bulls puppies living longer and kids too tee shirt for sale for this grea cause 20 bucks to my american friends, comes with a free weeks rent of a hammock mtfmtpbpllakt
getting high is just talking to plants..talking to another dimension, the dimension of sun and light and patience..that's my preferred world, my preferred state of being a redwood just chilling for 3000 years...
we humans are the joke, getting high is connecting to the earth who is your mother, connect with your mother, gett high with grandma, get shit started
so I get it now and the garden life dirt mama connection gets upgraded and shared with the right people...my tribe, sign up now for free. Message board commmunity helpers. I need a gringo to...
bild mi haus. Teech my kidd

My friend the principal has a humdinger issue. The plural of which is hymn dy angers. The kind of danger you need to sing your way out of. It is the only way to salvation, songs of salvation, and this is the ticket home? Unlikely. Someone told me unstoppable future boss no? She says that word is not in her vocabulary.
So I guess that it is time to be making bold, possibly helth afffecting, dangerous promises. Grade 2 and 4 need great english and math services. Give them to me. Use roster magic to put the other cuverages or subs in around my english and math classes. 3 perioda a day with one class, three with the other. Double englisn and math or double math and english. 3 periods of intensity and learning and when a new teacher finally comes in to take over one or the other we see what we can do to work with him or her and maybe there is a class I like better and that is a bridge to vrossw when we get to it. The bridge over the river humdinger. It's a movie. A war movie. Education is a war in which the powers that be try not to educate children of color and find hundreds of obstacles and excuses to throw up in the way as a barrier to a solid education because nothing is more dangerous than educated black foax. Foak. Foaks. Dreaming of the reunion I never went to in a hall with many rooms, many waitresses who are overwhelmed, many bitchy people. I remember a kid named zimmerman with an afro but that doesnt sound right but his picture shows him with a fro and pictures dont lie right, but maybe this is another convention. These fuckers will be old old farmers by this point in their life...i tried to remember faces in the dream and came up blank strangers, I did not pick apples to sell cider at the oley fair. the fair. green label jack daniels, led zep 3, a vw superbeetle... the fair was the shit. i may have to go back, play a poker tournament, celbrity bartend with friends from the rugby team or other local badasses... thats the company name... local badass.com. its not far from fight club, but we have cameras everywhere because local badass is a competitive show.
 i didnt want to ask my parents to pay for stupid pukey pedo disneyland, plastic robots and holograms don't do it for me, i stood in line for a roller coaster and ididnt care for the experience. unless the whole amusement park was called the line and your would be on moving sidewalks that circled a dancefloor...set omph apart so you always had new neighbors.....THAT GOES IN THE BIZ PLAN FILE.
I did not buy a yearbook or go to the prom so maybe that explains the lack of memories. as  I speak to a wooden-faced farmer and try to get a name because there is a glimmer of recognition... 

Friday, October 29, 2010



post # 500
100 posts a year for five years........

my grandfather ran away
my dad stayed
there were three young kids up there in hartford
as a result my father was raised by women
the maiden aunts who lived upstairs helped raise him and his sisters
his only escape was the priesthood
finally a place to be around men
to see how men act
men being men under the watchful eyes of a loving god
a god who taught you to love your fellow man
some of the more literal minded clergy helped my dad reconsider this career path
he disappointed his mother when he left
but he still sits down with no discomfort at all

my dad was raised by women and as a result he still wipes his ass while sitting on the toilet
my mother, on the other hand,
stands to wipe
i wipe as she taught me
she was the only girl in a house full of men and a leave it to beaver goes to manhattan mother
wearing pearls to dinner
fashionable, aloof, cultured
cocktails at 4 sharp
uptown sophisticates who dined with senators
they were proud that they could hold their liquor
they sent my mom to brown

my lesbian confidante chuckles about that
"the brown mounds of brown" or something
my mom didnt deny it when i asked her about it at dinner
she said "you would too if all there were around you were brown men"
cue the cackles
my mother is a world class cackler

we can laugh about my fathers near escape with homosexuality and my mothers lesbian experiences because its healthier than repressing it
we laugh things out
it might seem cruel to todays object of derision but you gotta be tough at our dinner table
so tough that many people choose to stay away at holidays
to avoid the truth about themselves
because it will come out sooner or later
thats why im ending this blog here at 500 posts to start a new one
dinner table truths will be the reason my faily stops talking to me
they are too damned supportive of "my art"
so goodbye muse blog
500 is too many on any one thing
you helped me thru some shit
kept the insanity bubbling in my life
helped me start some shit

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

misery is not foreplay
except in the worst kinds of marraiges
anger is fun
who doesnt like an angry fuck?
we can all agree tho,
that we all can safely hate one kind of person
we all hate a miserable fuck
(and usually he brings it on himself)

some women think that a miseable man is a challenge
that they can cure it
mother it
love it away
if you find a woman who equates misery with sex then you are in trouble my friend
misery makes me horny baybee
tell me about your day ....
preying on the sordid details of our work relationships
......... yesss.......ecstatic...

like the dark sith lord evil emporer on star wars feeds on hate
i dated his sister
misery is her thing
it makes her horny when she hears the rough patches
in your relationships with family
the law

she questions the foundations of your life
like water trickling around in the basement
just being water mind you
but water damage is accumulative

then boom, and you are calling a roofer, a plumber or worse, both
but they know a guy who can repour your foundation for you but he only takes cash

Friday, October 22, 2010

i roll out of bed with the working men
this friday morning
the coffee shoppe hotty is surprised
even more so when i head to the back room
"i've got work to do"
i say

the words fail to choke me

so here i sit


it all depends on how loose your definition of work is i guess
in the fantasy world i increasingly inhabit this is what passes for work
my job is to keep the the kittens away from the gumdrops
"bad kitty, shoo!'

maybe a shitty job would be good for my spirit
give me something to actively hate
a focus
mabe im onto something with my environmentally conscious sloth
my laziness might infuriate you but its good for the environment
my inaction is part of a larger entropic plan
my permanent siesta
my PSM
permanent siesta movement
the male form of PMS
where highly developed males rationalize sitting on their big fat asses
bean there, done that
time for a nap
take back the pillows!

Sunday, October 17, 2010

this is the point in the movie where the heroic alcoholic dumps the booze in the toilet and starts to take a sober look at what has become of his life
maybe its a crisis that makes our hero make this radical change in life
altering his body chemistry and makeup so drastically
eliminating alot of empty calories
no more stomach acid nights of sleepless alcoholic tossing and turning
and the booze was eating up valuable memoir writing time
its the age of the asshole
i want to have an asshole off
who is the biggest asshole on tv?
who is the biggest literary asshole?
ALOT of writers are assholes
asshole writers of america....
a series of interviews with writers doing press things
and the asshole answers to questions about his assholer....
your rape scenes have a vivd first person feel to them
how many have you goten away with cuz your a famous writer?
ill make you famous baybee
just let me slip it in your anus bay bee

the asshole expert
advanced assholery
a tool bag for tools

each show ends with the interviewee saying
are you calling me an asshole on tv?
really? and the wrestling match that occurs to try to smash my camera
have a camera that is made to be destroyed by the asshole
and have a second camera secretly filming the encounter
and secret cameras at the payoff
whe have footage of you at assholewriter dot com...

Saturday, October 02, 2010

post number 496
thoughts blossoming fragrantly

eleven hundred plus billionaires in the world
im going to publish a lifestyle magazine
for us billionaires only
gonna start a clothing line too
the ubiquitous campaign
if you not in FOBOS YOU IN BOBOS

put the FOBO logo on bobos for the ultimate in camp as they are lauded on the runways in milan and paris and i must shoot on location there to make this documentary which is a documentary about a possible cinematic venture
take it on the road
live the movie of your life....

the bo bos of clothing
billionaire boys club revisited



a bakeowski joint

opening number.....

theres 100 of us and these are the clothes we wear....geeee its swell to be a billionaire
so happy
and freeeeeee
gee its swell to be a billionaire
geee its swell to be meeeeeeeeee

yeahh....it's the ghetto spelling of mars moon phobos
as popularized by ya boi astro
the astropyshzzzzzzzzzz
music by.....swond boi killaz
fuck im a writer
lets blaze up and throw some words at each other
i need something interesting to do.....

write a song for each act
feature the songs in the musical
which is the blueprint for the best party ever on dec 21st 2010
these are the preliminary events that make this the greatest party ever.....

'''''-----abortive new biz idea******,,,,
still born
whose got time for this....
biz plan...take idea of rugbywhore to rollergirls
see who wants to really promote their sport...

music by black landlord- write a song for him...just for fun

a series of parties leading up to the final where to be admitted you must be wearing a teeshirt/cdedential for end of the world party.....
end of the world party song......

talking to a mayan in the sky
orange way up high
behind the grid which supports the blanket of this cosmos
the blanket kinda slipped
the mayan quite tightlipped
it seems to me now i was doing the all the talking
staring at that grid
wondring what it did
then noticing the torn blanket of this cosmos

then the mayan turned his head
glowing orange like the grid
and as he left he invited me to a party

"SPANISH ACCENTED END OF THE WORLD FREESTYLE RAP MASTERPIECE"------- to be SPAT after some fragrant floral embryo action

i love me some floral zygotes




It's the backstreets....these boys grew up rough.....its the same yuppy ass looking billionare boys clubs dudes...and they are the toughest thing at the mall...
they roll into the arcade and womp on the dance machine better than everybody...taking out every other competitor....they go to malls and take on all comers...its a breaking war....you have been invited to a breaking war....all kindsa suburban jcrew dorks.....same clothes as in the badass movies....referencing sean penn movies
hes their hero
the movie "bad boys" is on in the background.....
sean penn is clubbing the dude with the pillowcase of sodacans....
in the movie hes played by eminem
who dressed like sean penn i badboys
and fetishized the actor creepily
and thats the blueprint for kinds which explains the video slim shady....
sean penn as an aging child rapper

how old were you when you started mr shady
i was five
expos e the early years
slim shady the early years
the unauthorized biography.....

which is my documentary idea
try to get slim shady to allow himself to be interviewed

i make my own documentary....cam corder at walmsrt is less than 40 bucks

they will have technological holidays named in your honor
you are the wired future
you are the electronic buzz that rings in your ears for hours after too much computer use
when the computers run the world
they will kill the chinese last
they are used to obeying orders there

the bsboys are going berserkoid...

have another SPRITE FELLA???? bam!

RC YOU SAY???? bam!

the overlapping media are in a bidding war to get me to create content for them ....
im a five tool entertainer
crooner, comic, writer, bartender, blogger, dart thrower, bowler, rugby player,

hi and thanks for reading.
what a week its been if you are a fan of a crooner, comic, writer, bartender, blogger, dart thrower, bowler, rugby player,
ive been doing this crooner, comic, writer, bartender, blogger, dart thrower, bowler, rugby player, for (insert time frame here) and its starting to make sense to me. the reason that theres this is because
and in the future i expect to see this
but what do i know
theres alot more experiences as a crooner, comic, writer, bartender, blogger, dart thrower, bowler, rugby player, out there that i havent touched on....
if you have an interesting tale to tell lets hear about it at crooner, comic, writer, bartender, blogger, dart thrower, bowler, rugby player,DOT COM FORUM CHAT SITE , dating service, entertainment company.

my newest site is
critquing manifestos...from the riddler to the unabomber
its one of a five book set
last one is the next one from "the unicorn killer" to zodiac homocide.com
the website that tries to tell serial killers the best days to go hunting
better stay inside today the fbi may be in your neighborhood.....
...new cellmate spooks your young FBI visitor. You can't be too brutal.
god of mischeif bears watching this fortnight, sleep lightly, thunder imminent

i was the best looking man at walmart today
i did not support slave labor today
but my brother did
hes not as enlightened as i am
but hes never wrong
which comes in handy
ive known a couple of these guys in my life
read further in this installment i like to call...coffee with an asshole

nothing like seeing a little caffeine trigger the asshole avalanche

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

who killed the albatross?
can you kill a zombie?

i lug the albatross like it is my own
the zombie albatross pollutes my mental environment with his squawking
the afterlife has brought him troubing dreams
and this is definitely the afterlife for him
20 year old references are half of his schtick
the zombie albatross thinks he's a comedian, you see
i sometimes function as his public relations firm
explaining racist or homophobic comments

the apologist

ive had alot of practice explaining behaviors to outsiders
the tribe i roll with is not without its eccentrics
im become accustomed to ranting as everyday coversation
it occurs to me that other people might find this unusual

my tribe is rife with eccentricities
we are opinonated and unruly without magic of alcohol
add distiled sprits and we channel the spirit world
we voice the concerns of the dead

we embrace the walking dead, my tribe
we try to understand their pain
which they happily share
hoping to heal them, somehow
hoping that some form of redemption occurs before we run out of skin
even rhino skin is finite

dogs get put down when they act this way
humans get a second chance
and a ninth

everyday i do not commit murder i become more saintly
so i have that going for me.....

Wednesday, September 08, 2010

the monkey troop that once embraced me is starting to get suspicious of my non-monkey behavior
this might be my last report from the field in a while

the monkeys used to get me
i tried to be like them
i was a rising star in the monkey universe
teaching lower status monkeys how to communicate and follow higher status monkeys directives
an active member of monkey society
now that i actively reject their false monkey values
im more hyena to them

they grow suspicious

this group highly prizes acquisitiveness
they spend years hoarding bananas that they will never eat while other monkeys starve
their own monkey scientists blame DNA for it
it helps the aquisitive monkeys sleep better to think that their greed is based on science
greedy monkeys were the ones that survived to reproduce
monkeys like myself became cheetah fodder
self deprecating monkeys are highly compensated with more bananas they can eat in this society
its important to keep the low status monkeys laughing instead of plotting
important to the monkey heirarchy that there are loser monkeys out there who made it monkeys just like you
who got out therre and id it, chased moneky success and now have to but burglar alarms and hire guerillas to protect them from the rest of monkey society which they freely admit is full of theives
the theivery is celebrated in monkey culture
the grandest banana hoards are based on deceptions and addictions and these clever primates congratulate themselves on their rich primate deceptivensss
deceptive monkeys pass their genetics on
apologists for monkey society shake their head and say thats the way its always been
monkey society is based on fear
fearful monkyes stay in their trees
fearful monkeys are easy to govern
fearful monkeys are our best customers
the fear leads to a need for eascape
which leads these sedentary monkeys now limited to one tree by their fear to cope with the fear by eating drinking or smoking themselves into a coma
addictions make them easy to manipulate
they do this with a series of boxes which are connected to networks of anxiety providers who stoke the monkey imaginations with wildly farcial vignettes of typical monkey life that make the monkeys wasnt to consume
gorgeous emaciated monkeys populate these boxes in order to sell exercise equipment beauty products and fat pills
to cofuse the monkeys even more these gorgeous emaciated monkeys are shown drinking and eating all manner of unhealhy things which trigger similar behavior in the box watching monkeys
confused monkeys are easily led

the monkeys are onto me
ive got to go participate in some social grooming
more later

Monday, September 06, 2010

dry as shit out here
the creek is as low as ive seen
trees leaves wilting or falling off
even the green grass crunches when you walk on it
huge brown swaths
mowing is murder
it was 45 last night and will be 90 in 2 days
interesting climate we have here

Saturday, August 28, 2010

working on a line of childrens coloring books
the main charactor is a cute little baby chicken
hes a meat chicken who goes his own way
except the ones with balles get their necks wrung if they are in the wrong line
his first big experience is being born a meat chicken
he had five brothers who were laying chickens and didnt make it past day one
they are cute little angel chickens and guide our little cute chicken on what to do to survive in the world
the christian groups will call this voo doo and stage a boycott especially if i make a few copies that are heavy on the voodoo and leave them at christian day cares and in church pews and on the bus and theres a website about it and it gets them mad
maybe the most insightful of his spirit guides is a voodoo chicken uncle that shows up for occasionally
named after the bond villian in live and let die...
the one with the great laugh and the metal hand

this chick gets his beak cut off and the ghosts say why you compalining at least you are living..it could be worse you could be in a pile of corpses in the corner like we we you schmuck chicken
they the chicks get all stereotypically "jewy"
and we leave these copies where lil jewish kinds can find them and have them learn about the origin of the word jew lery and about killing jesus and stuff and that might make a ruckus

and when the hero chicken of the story makes it to 90 days with his steroids and is so muscled up and huge that he cant walk anymore because hes a genetically modofied organism and hes been selected by science to be a meat machine and all of the chickens have to die because when they cant stand they are even dirtier birds and hes boiled alive and then he turns into chicken wings and we do a little transfat analysis and salt and grease and the meat is all kinds of roided up as well as pesticides in the grain its been eating as well as chock full of antibiotics cuz chickens live in shit and theres another story line

when it turns out that this poisonous food is a governemnt plot
then we track the diff uses of these industrial birds and thats another story
ok\time to recruit an artist and have a mission meeting

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

ok then
it feels like not drinking has resonance with my soul at this point
what am i drinking to forget?
why do i "need a drink"?
i dont
12 days in and trying to use my conscious hours wisely
throwing another iron in the fire
going to start a new blog called organic gambling
just for fun
i might even do some situps
it would do me some good to get rid of the excess calories that are booze
the sweet tooth is the villain now
my body likes the high sugar levels that booze and chocolate yeild
that will be the big fight
me against my blood stream
retraining my body chemistry to one that doesnt need blood pressure pills
if that means fuck coffee
then fuck coffee
but not this week
one step at a time
break the chain of alcohol and sugar addictions first
then we will go after mr caffiene
then i can live forever
thats sounds fun

Monday, August 02, 2010

crickets and cicadas and cacaphony
its almost too loud to sleep here at night
when the dusk hits i like to try to surprise the family of deer
sometimes ill climb a tree naked and wait for them
get my monkey on
if the wind is riight i can catch them
three fawns all graffittied up with z's and exes and slashos of white
running every direction at once
mamma deer snorting by the creek
that me you smell, mamma
they bound towards the snort and across the creek whitetails flashing

i stared down a mama turkey at high noon
for five minutes i was a statues and then the little ones popped out of the hedgerow
one two three aren't they cute lil buggers, now there are seven
and another mamma at the rear

last nights naked nature walk was alot more exciting than usual
its the grey before the pitchblack
there was a shower earlier so theres a mist that glows a little in the waning but still bright moon which is starting to peek out

i have vague ideas of getting my monkey on
its weird how when you are up a tree and trying to find the way down your brain does a little terminator point of view routine
red numbers gauging distances, probabilities flashing
right foot to skinny branch left hand to adjacent branch for balance and ride the breaking limb to the ground like a surfboard...rejected, chance of failure 33%
walk out this limb to end jump for next tree, will i hang on?
rejected failure rate 57%
grab tree crotch with both hands swing around to other side drop down to thick branch
rotate again...bign bang not as sexy or fast but the easy choice
the other options were good if this particular monkey was being chased and would have worked in a pinch with a little adrenaline
before i get to my tree of choice i hear a rustling in the weeds to my right and behind
i stop in my tracks
its a kitty
i step towards it
"hey there kitty" i say
"aren't you a cutie, pss pss psss, WHOA!"

a flash of a halfwhite tail
im backpedalling calmly
not making anymore noises
and now ive turned and theres the adrenaline
im picking up some speed
goodnight mr or mrs skunkie
enjoy our catfood anytime
just keep that tail in downward and locked position

Monday, July 19, 2010

trying to find the activation switch
ive been a very zen human being lately
if to be zen is to be passive and go with the flow
but is kinda blah not to have goals
whats my motive?
i need the spiritual backdrop to the zen to be formalized
to be in the forfront of my brain
to make life more than a long series of bad meals, cheap booze, cards, and bowel movements
don't get me wrong
im working on the meals part
country living puts tasty dainties from the garden on my plate daily
so i'm fixing that
still an occasional cancerburger binge or poultroids
the smell is hardwired into my monkey brain
im trying to out monkey it
but the monkey brain has had alot of practice
monkeys that ate meat fucked more vigorously than monkeys that didnt
they out fucked the vegetarian monkeys and then they invented mcdonalds
all they had to do then was sit back and count the money

my laziness comes from my monkey brain
lazy monkeys had more energy to run away from tigers than the monkeys who were running around all over the place and being productive
so lazy monkeys fucked more

my monkey brain sees shiny things and rejects them
i killed that monkey
my monkeybrain is a survivor
the survivor monkey has been getting alot of milage on his potential
years and years to flower
years and years to blossom
but this flower is sensitive to too many toxins
its hard to bloom in the city
where all you see is zombies
zombies hate flowers
they try to eat our brains
if you are the bud of flower of human decency and lightness of being, the zombies are coming after you
if you are a butterfly of hope, resting on the bud, waiting to pollinate the bud, whispering encouragement to the bud, licking toxins off the bud, watch out!
tho unvoiced, you are appreciated, watch out for the zombies

once i can put the zombie menace clearly in my rearview, then maybe i can get the time to truly flower
but they are everywhere!
duty compels me too spend more time with zombies than id like
zombies can be very helpful if their dangers are clearly understood
zombies want to convert you to their way of thinking which is the only thing that keeps them from eating you
if they think they can teach you their language and customs then they will keep you around, in their posse, as it were, to provide welcome comic or philosophical relief
zombies dont like to do the heavy thinking
zombiers are a step or two slower and will broadcast your wit for you at the top of their lungs and the whole zombie troop will guffaw

"haw haw haw," guffawed grendel, deep in his cave, as the saquatch finished his story.
"you guffaw like a zombie," interjected the yeti, lighting up the volcano for a deep hit of a hydroponic bubblegum/skunk hybrid that he was developing in conjunction with the chinese government in order to take over the worlds weed supply.
the chinese plan was simple. get obama reelected. have a secret meeting. threaten him like the bankers did last october. he wil cave. its in his dna. hes a born compromiser. but this isnt the frickin' puffington post, the left politcal rantings of puff the magic dragon who robert deniro is shocked to find out is a drug addict of the first order.
since the chinese and sam walton first devised their plan to take over the country, they've been waiting for a wimpy compromiser with ideals to start "running the country." they successfully installed pharmacies all accross the country that sell generic drugs to people. the machinery is there. once he is re-elected, the plan goes into motion. phase three of the mortgage crisis pulls half of the oil money out of the stock market. the economy really tanks. martial law in several cities. unemployment goes to 20 percent. the end of democracy is in sight. the facists start to salivate. black tahoes with tinted windows start showing up at visionaries doors and end their access to the rest of humanity. a supervirus is released on the interwebs to keep people from knowing the truth. the super virus which monitors all interweb communications and sends payments of hush money or detains the ones who wont shut up. the system first tested at in seattle, at gitmo and then in the gulf.
at gitmo they wanted to see if americans REALLY cared about freedom.
"we caught these demons. they hate your freedom. we could let 'em loose but we'd rather torture them? or we could let them loose. your choice. turn on that faucet, grab my board."
Seattle was like spring training for the facist overlords. " just testing our suppression systems, nothing to see here. the 'free-speech zone' is behind the far portapotties."
in the gulf they tried to see if they could truly squelch free speech and the answer was a resounding yes. just as our ancestors gladly took cash in order to kill savages and take their land, we have alwyas been dog eat dog here in our country. its as american as dog pie? who wants some doggie ala mode?
the question was easy with presidential backing. he was in charge of smoothing over the network execs, quietly giving out raises, country club memberships, boats, hookers, chronic, whatever their little vice was in return for the absolute CAP on frontline coverage of the gulf. on cnn i saw an ocean govt official dude tell congress that he he found 464 sea turtles. 60 dolphin and a sperm whale that washed up on land. wheres the picture of the sperm whale? certainly thats news? \
THEY KILLED FLIPPER 60 times already. you can see it on the BP truck drivers windows. like WWII pilots they paint another spremwahle on their door, right above the 60 porpoise silohettes.

ok then....just telling the world i know...anxiously awaiting the tahoe with the tinted windows....maybe ill get some writing done in jail if fighting off the sodomites doesnt prove too taxing....i'e been getting ready for jail my whole life...what do you think all the rugby was about anyway?

but goals are so

Sunday, July 18, 2010

someone get the williams sisters on the phone
theres a 46 year old moron ex-rugby player on utube sweating and grunting
purporting to be doing "williams sisters workout for aging weekend warriors"
alot of squatting
now hes flapping his arms like a bird
hes really not selling alot of product
is kind of repulsive
make it stop, god someone, make it stop

Saturday, July 17, 2010

the woodchuck couldn't see me thru the closed patio door
he was munching on some broadleafed weeds
suddenly i knew where the boston lettuce disappears to....

neatly nibbled to a nub nightly

doesnt care for or hasnt found the swiss chard yet
he grabs off a leaf in his mouth
pops up on his hindquarters chewing insouciantly
leaf hanging out of his mouth
peeping left right
then back for another
sniff sniff
pops up again
looks like dandelion greens

"mind your manners at the dinner son", grunts papa woodchuck from the cannibis patch
the adopted porcupine sisters giggle at their silly papa
mama woodchuck and brother woodchuck have been digging up the compost pile and eaten up the fermenting fruit there
theyre channelling the doors and laughing loudly
woodchucks dig the doors

^FROM WIKIPEDIA^: "...*woodchucks were said to be the indian animal spirit guide of the lead singer of the doors, jim morrison. the previous woodchuck story is one he was working on at the time of his death. he was reinventing himself to take over childrens tv as a result of the many maternmity cases that his label would pay to go away. he knew there were a nations of mojos rising all over the usa, and it was his mission to educate them properly and the onlyu was to do that was on the public airwaves as they lived all over the country. Mr. Rogers was introducing him to the puppets in the new season of his show until given a heroin overdose by g gordon libby on direct orders of the president."

god sure has a wicked sense of humor
went to the tracks and obvious horses jumped off the page
was jumping around between win place show bets and tri and exactas
two longshots ran with the faves a few races back
one beat the fave
he was 35-1
i put him with the other longshot at 9-1 and sprikled in the faves with the rest of my cash
12-4-9 paid 867.00 for a buck
the 4 was the fave
i had 12-9-4 which pays THOUSANDS
i did not box it beacause of a short funds issue but I FELT IT
and it made me sick
thanks god!
i must not need the cash at this point in time....

Thursday, July 08, 2010

model search for my end of the world issue
bikinis and tarballs
may as well make some money off of environmental apocalpse
ill put an ad on craigslist and take the digital camera to the beach
and take some photos
fashion mavens are already trying to frame black spots as "free maryilyn monroe beauty marks"
take a dip in the gulf
come out looking like a legendary screen hottie
the shit should be shut down in mid august
BPs estimates
they have a history of truthfullness
u can trust them
i better get cracking on my book if its ever going to be dome before the end of the world
thats a pretty good deadline
the wheels are going to fall off sometime this winter
so the book has to be slammed out now
no more sleep
this is truly a DEADLINE
when the first school of dolphins wind up dead on the shore
thats when you wil know what the toxic capacity of the ocean is RE number of parts per million in oil
the smarter fish are migrating
the dumb ones are migrating
organisms are designed to move away from toxins
hell this is a just evolution at lightspeed
the seas were getting used to micro amounts of plastic in the food chain
as the texas sized floating reefs of plastic bottles degrade into bite sized chunks that made their way into the food chain
this is just a little faster
buy a shotgun
buy lots of shells
play some R.E.M. at the high decibel levels
get out of the cities before the shit hits the fans
they will close off the expressways with military troops when they impose martial law to proetedt the residents of the richer areas from the starved and crazed roving mobs of looters

Wednesday, June 02, 2010

Jesus was aboorted last spring in a new dehli clinic offering 350 rupee for each operation and 790 for sterilization(150 if you are a male). The line stretched for blocks. Biblical scholars with an interest in keeping the second coming from happening targeted the Indian city as the place most likely to see the second coming and started offering the operations in late april last year, concluding the initiative when the statue of mother mary wept blood in Rio foretelling the death of the latest savior embryo. This is the fourth "jesuscide" reported in the last century and the second to have taken place in utero.
We all remember the rumors of the teen jesus stoned by the palestinians in the early 40's, and of the black jesus lynched right before he picked up his magic powers on his 18th birthday in alabama in the 1800's. Science is clearly having the upperhand over faith here in the early parts of the 21st century as prognosticators and fortune tellers are so much more advanced than before with the advent of intrusive web cams, you tube and blogs to be fed into the data matrix that controls every aspect of our moden lives.
I've said to much already. Protect your data. Scribble is much safer. write in code. felixus del gato esta morte'. bloated fascimile paragon. tofu warrior.

Tuesday, June 01, 2010

bomb bomb bomb,
bomb bomb bomb,
bomb bomb bomb
to the tune of star wars darth vader music
i thought i heard it
on a us army commercial
where they promised to bomb your sewage treatment facilities
if you eff with US

the promise was a subtext

it was there if you looked for it
if your brain was reay to hear it

very liminal
not subliminal at all
if your brain is right....

Thursday, May 27, 2010

the new concept is harry hour
ill find ten people who want to party one night
link three restuarants
do a mini pub crawl and see what heppens next
organize them to flow into the phillies so you are progressing to the game stop dolphin 2-3
bar at next stop, 330-430, one stop away or mcfaddens....shop around
pay in advance
one beer and special shot selections at or a signature drink,let me concoct something for the mood of the crowd for each each place
blog it up
be small famous
four tokens for transportation
20 bucks a person
party goes when ten have paid
each person buys a 2.50 shot at each establishment

that sounds like a job i could do
a could also make my payment to the bars of half the money i take ine
10 for them ten for me and we split the cost of tokens.....
i make the context up
the reason to drink
and maybe thats the title
a reason to drink today
have polar bear night
never go to the same bars twice except always secretly end at the shamrock
(i know the owner)
cab full of people bartender pays for the cab and we come in and drink
drinking adventures
if you are in philly
need to rent a bike
need a bike itinerary
heres the cool places to pedal to and the right streets to take to get you there and a tour guide that works for kenzingtons
tour the breweries on your bike
start at philly, go to manayunk?
tkae the train back or ind closer bars
the adventurer....
the bike posuer combo

walking happy hour tours with a local guide who knows a couple bartenders and a couple secret hiding spots in the city.....

that dog will hunt too

fish and chips crawl
khyber, society hill hitel and an irish bar
start at the irish bar then the kyher and finish at the society hill hotel, whoever has the best ....then a night of fish and chips karoke in which the only songs must first be provent to be tangentially related to fish or chips or very bad song parodies like the one about
"roof-EEZ" Roofies that terrible wonder ful snack
roof EASE roof EASE i will not sit down for a week
psychotic productions
all i needs a camera man
ill give you teh raw footage
ou make it interesting, learn video editing
submit it to my friends video editing and production company
market your interesting take on the world

so many good ideas today
taking the day off suits me
called into my job today
called into my dunb job today
i called in to my unispiring
mortifyingly dull and pointles
i said mortifyingly dumb and fruitless
i said
morally wrong and nsatisfying and
tole the lady i need
speak to de boss
i said i tole her i need to speak to the boss
shes not into day
and it came over me right there
it came to me right there on hold
i was hodling away
i was holing away
the phone she was a beeping
the dea began to creep in great thoughts they started seeping through my brai ain ainnn
the perfect plan for a perfect day

i got on the with the census man and start tawkin
got de man on the phone started tawkin
and tole him id be late
baw naw naw naw gnaw
i called dat census man too DAAYYY
tole him ize gonna be late....
yaa i tol him ize gonna be late
then i said what the work load light
if the work load is light
why dont you send me home right now today
if you know what i mean
he knew what i mean isaid if it suits you
i wont be in at all today

and that was the beginning or a very near perfect day ay ay ay ay ay ay ay aya yAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

ok so thats two solid gold plans, my new blues singing career
my food tour guide idea and the best little idea i ever had
the my friends opening a coffee shoppe and i need free food idea where i volunteer to cook some organic breakfast treats for the fella whil trying out healthy recipes that have staying power to start our fleet of bike food delivery gourment vegan goodies in minutes
we would need a food cart in west philly or base out of the bicycle store there....
one mesenger on staff to deliver food quiclky
hot fast gourmet vegan fare
you make the rice
we'll make it nice....

start with killer tofu egg treats and try to perfect that recipe and reproduce it in an efficien manner
how about a cefs pasry bag full of tofu egg salad
start by having tofu egg salad (just add mustard)
tofu scrabled eggs, just add vegan bacon and muffin and slice of avacado or tomato

i get to get better at that skill
i would like coffe and grub in return
you deal with the money end
i want a dvorce from money
its only interesting to me to gamble with it
ill have moringins free on tuesdays and be in town every tuesday
prolly wednesdays too mayb thurs or a wekend day depending on weather
in nice im poolside

so this is called planning the perfect summer
get recipes by july
have a taste test
see if it flies
devo recipes with him and his team
get along with their dog better
eat cheaply and healthily
help a friend
if some day they feel i desrve cash
they can buy me into the poker game
weds days ill play poker in ac tourny at 11
so i guess ill garuntee them 2 days a wek as an experiment with a reevaluation after the first and fifth weeks to see what needs to change....
600-930 tues and weds mornings
poolside other times
chilling and playing poer and working as little as possible...
develop other little jobs as outlined in this
smile alot more

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

i called in drunk to my census job
told them i wasnt gonna make it in
that i had real life issues to deal with
i think ill stonewall them today if they are curious
there has been talk of writeups for calling out
o well
i called out the second week citing laundry concerns
i fluffed the story lateer to include getting my lothes out of storgae, but fuck them
as soon as they dont need me im gone
right now they think they need me
so i have the hand
if i can stay a little humble tonight and seem genuinely sorry to have missed work
ahhh yes
i'll cue up the "i cant afford to miss work" rant
juice up some details about expenses and add ssome fiction about utilities giving me shutoff notices and gambling losses
maybe il invent a shylock who is after me
i have a few hours to mull it over
nightshift is murder
1100-730 am
deathly queit save for the clicking of keystrokes and shuffling of papers
occaisional cursing
the fat guy makes little noises all night
hes either sucking snot back up his nose
or grunting as he readjusts his girth
sighs, gurlgles, hes a "dangers of transfat" posterboy
they should show filmss about him in health class
do they still have filmstrips in health class?

the bus to the tennis broke down
the rescue bus took to long
i was reccommending cancellation from the jump
the baseball team was on the bus too
loud crass types
their coach is the Athletic director
as soon as the bus died i was lobbying to cancel the games and head to a happy hour

we dropped in on my fave loud italian bartenderess
she was one hot sweaty mama as the air was broken
she had a glow
i started flirting full bore and she got into the game
soon she was talking about her salty nips and telling me "fuck you" whenever i told her how hot she was
she said fuck you again and this time i replied whatdo you want to do to me more than anything
her instant "fuck you" was one of many cherries on top of a fun filled evening
shes quickwitted loud and funny
you dont catch her often, so it was gold
after the fourth pint glass of icetea vodka mixed with lemonade too refreshing for words the census was looking doubtful
when we grabbed a cab back to our hood and dropped into the fabulous shamrock, the census was never gonna happen
it reminded me of another time i called in drunk
when i was bartendering for the multinational corporation and wore shirts whose pattern was repeated on the vinyl table cloths
we were on top of the ferris wheel when we should have been at the meeting place
wed gone to the beach for 2days, but had to be at work at 4
at i was spozed to meet up with my girlfriend and her roomate but me and gay jeff hickey were drunk and laughin on the ferris wheel
oops jeff said theatrically looking at his watch
this was before cell phones
at a time when i was still considered beautiful
when life throbbed and pulsed and forced you to embrace it
as a bartending god at that place i was pretty sure i could call in drunk one time and get away with it
im the asshole who worked his ass off most days
a corporate bar goon, quoting the handbook to managers who were just trying to end the madness of the sunday brunch rush, where i used to expedite orders for shits and giggles when we were shortstaffed and there was no one at the bar
"I cant sell these fries!"
"where's my golfball size sprig of parsley, i cant serve this without my sprig"
adding my madvoice to the chaos, embracing the stress, thrving on the adrenaline rush of being THAT asshole, master of the moment, king of the window
the corporate handbook was the word of god and i was a sweating sppitting pentcostal minister of mayhem on the sundays i would "help" out during brunch
my brian loves insane little factoids like the bit about the sprig of parsely or what constituted the difference between dead and dying food
id yell warnings to the grill man about how he better gat me that burger or hed be making three new chicken sandwiches...
and id live for the moments a harried floor manager would try to push me to the side to serve substandard food and id fix them with the ook and be horrified and throw may hands up and go back to the bar if they were serving food beneath my high corporate standards
that was me
so i was pretty sure that i could finesse another day off there at the beach and the bartender claudia was still around and looking fuckable in her bikini and she would give us a ride home the next day so me and gay jeff hickey had to come up with a plan
and there it appeared
in the form of beach cops who we asked to write us a ticket for public drunkeness that we could sho the boss the next day so we could stay at the beach another night and all was beautiful
the cops were somehow cool with the idea and the beers never tasted better than they did that night as we smoked joints rolled from pages of the bible and laughed the night away

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

machine man
i am what i eat
raw materials consumed and voided
the banana reminds me of the shit i just shat
same basic shape
this machine will not run on distilled spirits until management is satisfied with the waistline/health
ive heard rumors of people who have controlled thier blood pressure thru diet
that sounds like a fun thing for machine man to tackle next

i am a poker machine
programed to play perfect poker and extract maximum value from those foolish enough to sit with me at the card table
sometimes random sequences of cards seem to foul up my computer, but thats just gods way of keeping things fair for the lessr evolved species of machinery

i am a love machine
a hugging kissing thing
every now and again the activation codes are entered into my nervous system and friskiness ensues
but its a complex sequence
hotties do not have the patience for it anymore
the skill to coax the cobra from the basket
swaying to the tune they play on their pipe
i am hypnotized, if the hottie has any musical skills
snake putty in her hands
then the putty does what putty does when exposed to air
and nature takes its course

i am a word machine
an apologetic word machine
hiding from the results of my carefully crafted sentences by hiding these same sentences in scribbled notebooks
apologizing to all about my lack of output and follow through because writing seems alot like work in many ways
im self-programmed to avoid work
work is for suckers, afterall.....

who knows?
the boozelessness affects my sleep considerably
i may have to peck away until sleep takes me
this tossing and turning is for the birds
my body knows that im a few quarts low these days
reprogramming an unquenchable thirst

Friday, March 12, 2010

spectacle creation
i like to stir shit up and see what happens
to see how people react to new information
to apply pressure from an new angle
fuck with the squares

i was very generously given center satge by members of my inner circle
i took my star turn
we fucked shit up
i like to fuck shit up
we're a middle aged flash mob
descending on your sleepy bar
bringing the circus to town
ill be the ticket salesman next time
someone else can run it next time
someone else can soak up the applause and be the diva
diva bukowski is a funny idea
is it funny enough that someone else will dress up as the diva charles bukowski?
or is gaykowski a better idea
i still like DYKEowski
but the ornery old people hating fuck is tiresome, preachy and pendantic at times
when he isnt being funny as shit
but whatever our little flashmob gets behind
whatever the polling numbers indicate
whatever spectacle is next
we have one under our belts
no way i pull shit like zombie off without alot of help
and i thank the universe for them
and fuck everyone else

Sunday, March 07, 2010

watching scarecrows on a red carpet
wearing outfits that will buy houses in most countries
frantically they hold on to their youth
their relavance
their cooling hotness
i know now where the next ground zero should be
neck tendons and shoulder bones stretch what skin they have when they move or talk
sexy it is not
but what do i know?

Saturday, March 06, 2010

crazy energy surging thru me these days
i burn it all up and havent slept better
except when i sit bolt upright in bed at 2 0r 4 and have to write shit down

i may be onto something
the manic phase is lasting alot longer than it has in the past
usually these energy spurts only last a few hours
when i have everything sorted
visions of a master plan
then they peter out a day or three later

i know theres a crusher around the corner, but hell
they are fun too
a different kind of fun
definitely an aquired taste

i am starting to feel connected again after years of disconnected apathetic blah
a plan is coming together
its nice to have a blueprint again
all i gotta do now is get it out there and make it do whatever its gonna do

Wednesday, March 03, 2010

this is my job and shit
im a professional
dont try tis at home
to all my friends
all my friends

is how i think i will open up the poetry reading in honor of bukowskis death day
we will sing happy death day to you
we will award cash prize(s)
we will, we will rock you

but again, i am a professional
dont try this at home
dont try to drink all this booze and entertain the masses
it aint easy
its my job
its what i do
its how we roll
zombie bukowski in the house

go to angels poetry thing

Saturday, February 20, 2010

crazy dream about a pile of babies in a ravine
headless bodies, neatly stacked against the wall
like cord wood
when i add my own to the pile i tip it
its a mess
im sloppy that way
instead of throwing up for days and dying of dehydration we decapitated the babies
out of mercy for them
with a sharp knife its suprisingly easy
just get it between the vertabrae
thats the trick
in a postapocalyptic setting
infused with radiation
we delivered them to the great spirit in a calm and happy fashion
we spoke to the 3-10 year old group as we gutted them
some we just nicked the jugular
others the femoral artery
some wanted the traditional grown up way to daie and those we went
navel to ribcage on
dying with nobility
instead of the other way

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

we are getting the band back together mannnnnn
montana is happening may 1st and 2nd
the legendary maggotfest
the rugby event of the year
i spent a wonderful night in missoula montana handcuffed to the buxomest thing on the planet
she thought it was funny when i lost the handcuff key
thought i was joking
i thought i was at first too
but then the keys were nowhere to be found
her tone got realy serious with me when she had to use the bathroom
i still couldnt find them so i suggested that i would stand in the shower with the curtain closed
she really had to pee
god i hope its just pee i thought to myself from behind the cartooned curtains
luckily it was
post flush
i stepped out of the tub and started to kiss her
bieng romantic i let her pull up her pants first
we were soon negotiating her shirt around the handcuffs and as it turns out theres no way to get a shirt completely off when you are handcuffed to a beautiful buxom blond
we started on the sink
i dont know anybody in their right mind who would willingly lay down on a rugby players bathroom floor
soon tho, we were not in our righy mind
contortionists of love we were
on that cramped bathroom floor
my knee kept hitting the cabinet door closed with a clunk that echoed hollowly in the cabinet itself
a natural drum
today on found percussive performances we are playing a bathroom cabinet door with a knee
the tune is the them from love story
this was recoreded live in missoula montana, circa 1989
note the rich woody tones of the oak, much deeper than a plywood
the drumming caught the ears of my rugby hosts who were soon saying NO wayyy dude and laughing outside the door for a minute until i growled at them to get the fuck away from the door
sleeping in handcuffs is a science
especially when your bed is a beanbag chair
if you put any weight at all on them they click to the next tightest setting
the next morning we called the police
luckily he was laughing
lucking she wasnt pressing charges for what these days would be called kidnapping
ahhh montana
the chief of police was laughing at how shitty my toy handcuffs were
he used a screwdriver to pry them open in a jiffy
i guess we werent trying hard enough to get out of them
this year i go back to the scene of the non-crime
with anyluck ill be met at the airport by me new family
he should be 19 by now
hope he has a job
but that wasnt even the most interesting story of the trip
that one involved a colostomy bag and the middle of a road
but i wasnt there for that one
so it will remain untold for now
until i get the facts straight....

Monday, February 15, 2010

because im so fucking clever im entering a period of frugality
my work is seasonal
this month is the month that im supposed to live on my nest egg
which was quite healthy a month ago
but the unthinkable happened
and instead of growing my nest egg with every poker outing
it shrank horribly

but i had the superbowl pool locked up

all i needed was for one out of four events to happen as i predicted
i was on fire
i was seven for eight
no way i was going to go o - fer - four
no way i could lose!

ill play poker again
the nest egg is covered by my football picking prowess
i can regain what i lost last week and be flush again

and then the unthinkable happened four times
the bird was no longer in my hand
and none seem anywhere near the bushes
red hot became artic
four nines say hi to four queens
kings full on the flop?
meet aces full on the river, runner runner
january was a very cold month

ive worked tight budgets before
i can live on 20 bucks a week and be loaded 4 days a week
the secret is cheap vodka
but im not that thirsty
so theres a savings there
so the next two months are nothing new
i can drink at my once a week daytime bartending job
and whatever i make will be my allowance that week
my living wages
no problemo

i will head to the electric people and humble myself with a small cash offering some signing and promising
they leave my
ill dance a little dance for the gas man
rent might be a real problem in april
this month is in the pipeline
in april i may have to see the man about it
mr loanshark
100 for 130
250 for 325
but ill need to float it til april ninth when the first big tennis check comes
and he may want more ursurious rates for the added time
we will sort it out
theres bound to be a few banquets in spring

i dig minimalism
it's easy to diet when you have no cash!
you never looked so good, you working out?
nope, starving
he he he he he